April 4th, 2008
- Quiet Evenings
- Me & the Kitties
- Lonesome Bites
- Monomunches
- Singles…for Life!
March 19th, 2008
- blogmobisodes
- webmobinars
- telestreamanogisodes
- lividmobipostiscussions
- netconvermomomobomasations
March 18th, 2008
- add unflattering Flickr tag, “Fat asshole with a unibrow”
- change Facebook status to “He’s literally dead to me”
- web widget counts up days since your last climax (currently: “193″)
- share Zoho spreadsheet to split up MySpace friends
- decline to participate in Series B round of affection
March 13th, 2008
- Ever wonder what’s happening under Orion’s belt?
- Hop in my van, and I’ll show you something else that’s constantly expanding.
- Was Democritus the first one to postulate your mysterious Milky Way?
- I’d like to Sagittarius your Pisces, and that’s no Taurus.
- How about we go outside and discover Uranus?
March 6th, 2008
- Daniel Poon
- Mr. Strange
- Steve the Sleeve
- Snatch Adams
- Ol’ Vag
March 6th, 2008
- Romana Clay
- Rosco Green
- Kel Domage
- Fanny B. Tender
- Farrell Katz
February 12th, 2008
- gently enquires as to where you like to put the turkey baster
- repeatedly offers to demonstrate “how Blighty squeezes the lemonade”
- stands in your front yard, pants-less and swinging a garden hose in lazy figure-eights
- makes rapid “milking a cow” gesture while screaming something incoherent about Robert Johnson
- drops his semi-erect penis onto your dessert plate
February 4th, 2008
- Are You Smarter Than an Ottoman?
- Project Segway
- Would You Eat This for Money?
- America’s Next Top Preclear
- Who Wants to Be a Cultural Footnote?
February 1st, 2008
- your Flickr.com photos are still your own (although human faces are now obscured by selected partner company logos)
- owing to unavoidable data corruption, all Upcoming.org events must be reinstalled monthly
- following upgrade to Vista, clicking del.icio.us links now requires 1 GB of RAM and 40 GB drive space (per link)
- Jerry Yang now compelled to “do that funny MC Hammer dance” whenever Ballmer’s meds start wearing off
- folksy motto tweaked to “If You Ever Want to See That Pretty Family of Yours Again, You Damned Straight Better Fucking Yahoo!“
February 1st, 2008
- Frank Black
- Bob Hodgkins
- Barack Obama
- Ponce De Leon
- John Hodgman
January 31st, 2008
- gestate auxiliary sets of twins in climate-controlled Fendi bags
- make Brad build a big-ass gingerbread house
- explore viability of controversial “dorsal carriage” (a/k/a “butt fetus”)
- surreptitiously cruise Gymboree with mallet and a sack
- lay excess eggs in what’s left of Sean Young
January 29th, 2008
- tearing the veil away from the morally bankrupt raincheck policy at Marshall’s
- “crowdsourcing” the naming of your new unicycle
- taking a symbolic day off from blogging to protest the unjust treatment of “some Oriental dude” you read about on Slashdot
- daring to name names in the “personal holocaust of customer service” you recently suffered at Fry’s
- funny new snapshot of your kitty, “Warrant Officer Ripley,” acting like she’s people
January 28th, 2008
- Rambo V: Could You Repeat the Specials, Please?
- Increasingly Less Over the Top
- Tango & Cash II: Which One Am I Again?
- F.I.S.T.U.L.A.
- Rocky VII: Who Keeps Moving My Medicine?
January 27th, 2008
- talk through a vocoder, so maybe people will infer you’re a mean robot
- as you address your audience, consider stroking a cat or cleaning your mom’s rifle
- display tabular information about your perceived enemies in a large, readable typeface
- avoid contractions, so you’ll sound more like Vincent Price
- work the cravat
January 25th, 2008
- Fishpie-on-Porkstocking
- Poxham
- Monoclesfordington
- Mutton Moat Wood
- Penishire-on-Derbyhat
January 25th, 2008
- Moses: Top 10 Bulletproof Tips for Not Pissing-off The Lord (2 tablets - reg req.)
- HOWTO: Some Guy Compares Thee to a Summer Day
- Crazy Italian Dude Totally Draws on Pope’s Ceiling (DIGG THIS!!!!)
- I CAN HAZ INVISIBLE THUMBSCREWZ? Top 50 LOLInquisiton Macros
- BOOBIES - Hot Naked Chick Horses Around Coventry [PICS!]
January 25th, 2008
- peanut-shaped peanut bowl made of peanut shells
- peanut surrey, drawn by two sweet potato horses
- Atari 2600
- peanut shuriken
- Side 2 of Boston’s Third Stage
January 25th, 2008
- creating a bailment
- “meeting of the minds”
- in loco parentis
- “reasonable expectation of privacy”
- compulsory post-trial interview with effeminate scolding man
December 3rd, 2007
- Moving Klingman out
- Whacking Sollozzo
- Going fishing with Al
- Visiting Woltz
- Hiring Sophia
October 23rd, 2007
- the International Date Line
- the Electoral College
- how my toilet works
- MMORPG
- “The Seduction Community”