April 12th, 2009
- “I hope Mr. Phineas T. Snugglewhiskers doesn’t hog all the treats from The Princess Party Triplets and Li’l Cap’n Funnynose.”
- “I’ll bet the cats other people here think about aren’t as precious as mine and can’t even tell when the mailman is secretly waiting for the best time to take all of us out to Applebee’s in his mail truck for a big skillet dinner and a Fanta.”
- “My feet hurt.”
- “I wonder if my feet hurt because I have diabetes. Jesus, I hope Pickles McPicklepickle No. 3 and Kitti Katfenstahl don’t eat my toes tonight.”
- “Felicia Butterfly Oliver Sacks Von Precioushugs better not be recording over my stories; she’s not that gee-dee precious.”
April 12th, 2009
- Jasmine Rice
- Ginger Snapper
- Rainbow Salad
- Volcano Prawns
- Pumpkin Curry
April 12th, 2009
- Mondays with Whiskey
- The Five People You Meet in Line at Arby’s
- Saturday with Morrie’s Roommate…It’s…Like…Oh…You Know…Like… “Sal,” or “Sid,” or Something Kind of Jew-y
- Wednesdays When That One Nurse with the Rack Washes Morrie Real Slow Like
- Something Something Inspiration Old Person Just Call It Whatever But Just Definitely Change This Shit, Okay? –ma
April 12th, 2009
- Kel Domage
- Rosco Green
- Skip Intro
- Fanny B. Tender
- Romana Clay
April 12th, 2009
- Nüvi GPS navigator
- Windows Media Player
- pineapples
- all sports equipment
- the Taco Bell lady
August 19th, 2008
- Rash and Rationality
- Punk and Punctuality
- Beast and Bestiality
- Funk and Functionality
- Fried and Credulous
August 19th, 2008
- The Saltiest Joint
- Suck the Bone
- Unexpectedly Covered in Sauce
- Bar-B-Q*bert
- Texas Pete’s Rootin’, Tootin’ Pulled Pork ‘n’ Fellatio Funfactory
August 19th, 2008
- “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by The Lovin’ Spoonful
- “Wall of Death” by Richard & Linda Thompson
- “Rocks Off” by The Rolling Stones
- anything by Neil Young & Crazy Horse
- “The Village Green Preservation Society” by The Kinks
August 19th, 2008
- barber
- MUNI driver
- flight attendant
- kung-fu master
- deceased fried chicken entrepreneur
July 19th, 2008
- condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
- The Elements of Style by Strunk and White
- phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
- Surfer Rosa by Pixies
- iPod on which to listen to Surfer Rosa at painfully loud volume
June 9th, 2008
- Fauxhawk Sharpener
- Timpani Dramaticizer
- Molecular Gastronomy Re-explainer
- Foam Consultant
- Clog Wrangler
June 9th, 2008
- slow in pockets
- jackknifed big rig
- backed-up to the maze
- Friday-light
- goat on the shoulder
June 9th, 2008
- ¿Perry Cómo Estás?
- Que Syrah Syrah
- Bicycletarse
- Chili Art Carney
- No Hablamos Español
April 4th, 2008
- Quiet Evenings
- Me & the Kitties
- Lonesome Bites
- Monomunches
- Singles…for Life!
March 19th, 2008
- blogmobisodes
- webmobinars
- telestreamanogisodes
- lividmobipostiscussions
- netconvermomomobomasations
March 18th, 2008
- add unflattering Flickr tag, “Fat asshole with a unibrow”
- change Facebook status to “He’s literally dead to me”
- web widget counts up days since your last climax (currently: “193″)
- share Zoho spreadsheet to split up MySpace friends
- decline to participate in Series B round of affection
March 13th, 2008
- Ever wonder what’s happening under Orion’s belt?
- Hop in my van, and I’ll show you something else that’s constantly expanding.
- Was Democritus the first one to postulate your mysterious Milky Way?
- I’d like to Sagittarius your Pisces, and that’s no Taurus.
- How about we go outside and discover Uranus?
March 6th, 2008
- Daniel Poon
- Mr. Strange
- Steve the Sleeve
- Snatch Adams
- Ol’ Vag
February 12th, 2008
- gently enquires as to where you like to put the turkey baster
- repeatedly offers to demonstrate “how Blighty squeezes the lemonade”
- stands in your front yard, pants-less and swinging a garden hose in lazy figure-eights
- makes rapid “milking a cow” gesture while screaming something incoherent about Robert Johnson
- drops his semi-erect penis onto your dessert plate
February 4th, 2008
- Are You Smarter Than an Ottoman?
- Project Segway
- Would You Eat This for Money?
- America’s Next Top Preclear
- Who Wants to Be a Cultural Footnote?