Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes

  1. Where I’m Calling For a Cab From
  2. Will You Please Be Quiet, Please, My Head is POUNDING, Please?
  3. Call If You Need Me to Bring Ice
  4. Tell the Women We’re Going on a Beer Run
  5. What We Talk About When We Talk About Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes
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Five reasons 5ives was down for two years

  1. Rubberbands holding WordPress together broke. Again.
  2. Chronic katalogosophobia
  3. Deliciously addictive Sex in the City Box Set
  4. Painful condition involving corns or something
  5. I’m a complete idiot
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Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens

  1. Raging Boner Quoits
  2. Fanta ‘n Meth Slammerz
  3. Locker Room Orthodonture
  4. Ear Jobs
  5. Bukkake Arby’s
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Five controversial ontologies

  1. We actually exist in a snow globe ruled by the autistic kid from St. Elsewhere
  2. The Universe, like sexual intercourse, was created by The Beatles in the Autumn of 1962
  3. The Creator’s machinations are always subject to even more all-powerful beings: Mrs. Creator. (And, her new lawyer, Sid)
  4. We live in a galaxy on the thumbnail of a Santa Cruz student who’s really, really fucking high right now
  5. A wizard in the sky created an infinite universe then let his son get murdered by politically-powerful bigots so he could fly back to the sky to help people who agree to believe in the wizard in return for not being forced to be sad and hot for the rest of forever
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Five cutting-edge greeting cards

  1. Mazel Tov on That Reversed Vasectomy!
  2. Third Divorce is a Charm, Mom!
  3. Your New Boobs Look Large and Super-Hard!
  4. Condolences on Your Poorly-Thought-Out Home-Based Business!
  5. I’m Minding Your Halitosis Less!
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Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo

  1. Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac)
  2. The Edge (U2)
  3. Neil Young
  4. Paul Reynolds (A Flock of Seagulls)
  5. My friend, Mike
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Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII

  1. warranty automatically extended 90 days on all E-meters™
  2. tone level over 20 entitles you to free iced tea refills at the Celebrity Centre©
  3. Xenu personally emails your kid on her birthday
  4. complimentary Look Who’s Talking tote bag, Risky Business satin jacket
  5. double card stamps toward your next “‘Ron the Commodore’ 12-inch Hoagie” for each celebrity “girlfriend” you can contribute
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Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California

  1. shaving porch
  2. koi barn
  3. crying trellis
  4. grudging fellatio pantry
  5. remodeling room
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Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now

  1. “I hope Mr. Phineas T. Snugglewhiskers doesn’t hog all the treats from The Princess Party Triplets and Li’l Cap’n Funnynose.”
  2. “I’ll bet the cats other people here think about aren’t as precious as mine and can’t even tell when the mailman is secretly waiting for the best time to take all of us out to Applebee’s in his mail truck for a big skillet dinner and a Fanta.”
  3. “My feet hurt.”
  4. “I wonder if my feet hurt because I have diabetes. Jesus, I hope Pickles McPicklepickle No. 3 and Kitti Katfenstahl don’t eat my toes tonight.”
  5. “Felicia Butterfly Oliver Sacks Von Precioushugs better not be recording over my stories; she’s not that gee-dee precious.”
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Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker

  1. Jasmine Rice
  2. Ginger Snapper
  3. Rainbow Salad
  4. Volcano Prawns
  5. Pumpkin Curry
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Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books

  1. Mondays with Whiskey
  2. The Five People You Meet in Line at Arby’s
  3. Saturday with Morrie’s Roommate…It’s…Like…Oh…You Know…Like… “Sal,” or “Sid,” or Something Kind of Jew-y
  4. Wednesdays When That One Nurse with the Rack Washes Morrie Real Slow Like
  5. Something Something Inspiration Old Person Just Call It Whatever But Just Definitely Change This Shit, Okay? –ma
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Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use

  1. Kel Domage
  2. Rosco Green
  3. Skip Intro
  4. Fanny B. Tender
  5. Romana Clay
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Five inanimate objects that frequently seem annoyed with me

  1. Nüvi GPS navigator
  2. Windows Media Player
  3. pineapples
  4. all sports equipment
  5. the Taco Bell lady
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Five terrible fake Jane Austen novels

  1. Rash and Rationality
  2. Punk and Punctuality
  3. Beast and Bestiality
  4. Funk and Functionality
  5. Fried and Credulous
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Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurants

  1. The Saltiest Joint
  2. Suck the Bone
  3. Unexpectedly Covered in Sauce
  4. Bar-B-Q*bert
  5. Texas Pete’s Rootin’, Tootin’ Pulled Pork ‘n’ Fellatio Funfactory
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Five records I wish I could have sung backup on

  1. “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by The Lovin’ Spoonful
  2. “Wall of Death” by Richard & Linda Thompson
  3. “Rocks Off” by The Rolling Stones
  4. anything by Neil Young & Crazy Horse
  5. “The Village Green Preservation Society” by The Kinks
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Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing

  1. barber
  2. MUNI driver
  3. flight attendant
  4. kung-fu master
  5. deceased fried chicken entrepreneur
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Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday

  1. condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
  2. The Elements of Style by Strunk and White
  3. phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
  4. Surfer Rosa by Pixies
  5. iPod on which to listen to Surfer Rosa at painfully loud volume
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Five unusual Top Chef production crew titles

  1. Fauxhawk Sharpener
  2. Timpani Dramaticizer
  3. Molecular Gastronomy Re-explainer
  4. Foam Consultant
  5. Clog Wrangler
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Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic report

  1. slow in pockets
  2. jackknifed big rig
  3. backed-up to the maze
  4. Friday-light
  5. goat on the shoulder
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Five rejected titles for the latest Coldplay record

  1. ¿Perry Cómo Estás?
  2. Que Syrah Syrah
  3. Bicycletarse
  4. Chili Art Carney
  5. No Hablamos Español
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Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product

  1. Quiet Evenings
  2. Me & the Kitties
  3. Lonesome Bites
  4. Monomunches
  5. Singles…for Life!
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Five ways to leverage the mobile thinkosphere

  1. blogmobisodes
  2. webmobinars
  3. telestreamanogisodes
  4. lividmobipostiscussions
  5. netconvermomomobomasations
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Five “Web 2.0″ ways to break up with your boyfriend

  1. add unflattering Flickr tag, “Fat asshole with a unibrow”
  2. change Facebook status to “He’s literally dead to me”
  3. web widget counts up days since your last climax (currently: “193″)
  4. share Zoho spreadsheet to split up MySpace friends
  5. decline to participate in Series B round of affection
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Five terrible fake astronomical pickup lines

  1. Ever wonder what’s happening under Orion’s belt?
  2. Hop in my van, and I’ll show you something else that’s constantly expanding.
  3. Was Democritus the first one to postulate your mysterious Milky Way?
  4. I’d like to Sagittarius your Pisces, and that’s no Taurus.
  5. How about we go outside and discover Uranus?
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Five rejected names for “Cooter” on The Dukes of Hazzard

  1. Daniel Poon
  2. Mr. Strange
  3. Steve the Sleeve
  4. Snatch Adams
  5. Ol’ Vag
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Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you

  1. gently enquires as to where you like to put the turkey baster
  2. repeatedly offers to demonstrate “how Blighty squeezes the lemonade”
  3. stands in your front yard, pants-less and swinging a garden hose in lazy figure-eights
  4. makes rapid “milking a cow” gesture while screaming something incoherent about Robert Johnson
  5. drops his semi-erect penis onto your dessert plate
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Five more terrible fake reality TV shows

  1. Are You Smarter Than an Ottoman?
  2. Project Segway
  3. Would You Eat This for Money?
  4. America’s Next Top Preclear
  5. Who Wants to Be a Cultural Footnote?
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Five subtle changes in the event that Microsoft acquires Yahoo!

  1. your Flickr.com photos are still your own (although human faces are now obscured by selected partner company logos)
  2. owing to unavoidable data corruption, all Upcoming.org events must be reinstalled monthly
  3. following upgrade to Vista, clicking del.icio.us links now requires 1 GB of RAM and 40 GB drive space (per link)
  4. Jerry Yang now compelled to “do that funny MC Hammer dance” whenever Ballmer’s meds start wearing off
  5. folksy motto tweaked to “If You Ever Want to See That Pretty Family of Yours Again, You Damned Straight Better Fucking Yahoo!
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Five names you can belch

  1. Frank Black
  2. Bob Hodgkins
  3. Barack Obama
  4. Ponce De Leon
  5. John Hodgman
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