Category Archives: five things

Where I’m Calling For a Cab From Will You Please Be Quiet, Please, My Head is POUNDING, Please? Call If You Need Me to Bring Ice Tell the Women We’re Going on a Beer Run What We Talk About When … Continue reading →

Rubberbands holding WordPress together broke. Again. Chronic katalogosophobia Deliciously addictive Sex in the City Box Set Painful condition involving corns or something I’m a complete idiot

Raging Boner Quoits Fanta ‘n Meth Slammerz Locker Room Orthodonture Ear Jobs Bukkake Arby’s

warranty automatically extended 90 days on all E-meters™ tone level over 20 entitles you to free iced tea refills at the Celebrity Centre© Xenu personally emails your kid on her birthday complimentary Look Who’s Talking tote bag, Risky Business satin … Continue reading →

Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac) The Edge (U2) Neil Young Paul Reynolds (A Flock of Seagulls) My friend, Mike

Mazel Tov on That Reversed Vasectomy! Third Divorce is a Charm, Mom! Your New Boobs Look Large and Super-Hard! Condolences on Your Poorly-Thought-Out Home-Based Business! I’m Minding Your Halitosis Less!

We actually exist in a snow globe ruled by the autistic kid from St. Elsewhere The Universe, like sexual intercourse, was created by The Beatles in the Autumn of 1962 The Creator’s machinations are always subject to even more all-powerful … Continue reading →

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1. “I hope Mr. Phineas T. Snugglewhiskers doesn’t hog all the treats from The Princess Party Triplets and Li’l Cap’n Funnynose.”
2. “I’ll bet the cats other people here think about aren’t as precious as mine and can’t even tell when the mailman is secretly waiting for the best time to take all of us out to Applebee’s in his mail truck for a big skillet dinner and a Fanta.”
3. “My feet hurt.”
4. “I wonder if my feet hurt because I have diabetes. Jesus, I hope Pickles McPicklepickle No. 3 and Kitti Katfenstahl don’t eat my toes tonight.”
5. “Felicia Butterfly Oliver Sacks Von Precioushugs better not be recording over my stories; she’s not that gee-dee precious.”

1. Jasmine Rice
2. Ginger Snapper
3. Rainbow Salad
4. Volcano Prawns
5. Pumpkin Curry

1. Mondays with Whiskey
2. The Five People You Meet in Line at Arby’s
3. Saturday with Morrie’s Roommate…It’s…Like…Oh…You Know…Like… “Sal,” or “Sid,” or Something Kind of Jew-y
4. Wednesdays When That One Nurse with the Rack Washes Morrie Real Slow Like
5. Something Something Inspiration Old Person Just Call It Whatever But Just Definitely Change This Shit, Okay? –ma

1. Kel Domage
2. Rosco Green
3. Skip Intro
4. Fanny B. Tender
5. Romana Clay

1. Nüvi GPS navigator
2. Windows Media Player
3. pineapples
4. all sports equipment
5. the Taco Bell lady

1. Rash and Rationality
2. Punk and Punctuality
3. Beast and Bestiality
4. Funk and Functionality
5. Fried and Credulous

1. The Saltiest Joint
2. Suck the Bone
3. Unexpectedly Covered in Sauce
4. Bar-B-Q*bert
5. Texas Pete’s Rootin’, Tootin’ Pulled Pork ‘n’ Fellatio Funfactory

1. “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by The Lovin’ Spoonful
2. “Wall of Death” by Richard & Linda Thompson
3. “Rocks Off” by The Rolling Stones
4. anything by Neil Young & Crazy Horse
5. “The Village Green Preservation Society” by The Kinks

1. barber
2. MUNI driver
3. flight attendant
4. kung-fu master
5. deceased fried chicken entrepreneur

1. condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
2. The Elements of Style by Strunk and White
3. phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
4. Surfer Rosa by Pixies
5. iPod on which to listen to Surfer Rosa at painfully loud volume

1. Fauxhawk Sharpener
2. Timpani Dramaticizer
3. Molecular Gastronomy Re-explainer
4. Foam Consultant
5. Clog Wrangler

1. slow in pockets
2. jackknifed big rig
3. backed-up to the maze
4. Friday-light
5. goat on the shoulder

1. ¿Perry Cómo Estás?
2. Que Syrah Syrah
3. Bicycletarse
4. Chili Art Carney
5. No Hablamos Español

1. Quiet Evenings
2. Me & the Kitties
3. Lonesome Bites
4. Monomunches
5. Singles…for Life!

1. blogmobisodes
2. webmobinars
3. telestreamanogisodes
4. lividmobipostiscussions
5. netconvermomomobomasations

1. add unflattering Flickr tag, “Fat asshole with a unibrow”
2. change Facebook status to “He’s literally dead to me”
3. web widget counts up days since your last climax (currently: “193″)
4. share Zoho spreadsheet to split up MySpace friends
5. decline to participate in Series B round of affection

1. Ever wonder what’s happening under Orion’s belt?
2. Hop in my van, and I’ll show you something else that’s constantly expanding.
3. Was Democritus the first one to postulate your mysterious Milky Way?
4. I’d like to Sagittarius your Pisces, and that’s no Taurus.
5. How about we go outside and discover Uranus?

1. Daniel Poon
2. Mr. Strange
3. Steve the Sleeve
4. Snatch Adams
5. Ol’ Vag

1. gently enquires as to where you like to put the turkey baster
2. repeatedly offers to demonstrate “how Blighty squeezes the lemonade”
3. stands in your front yard, pants-less and swinging a garden hose in lazy figure-eights
4. makes rapid “milking a cow” gesture while screaming something incoherent about Robert Johnson
5. drops his semi-erect penis onto your dessert plate

1. Are You Smarter Than an Ottoman?
2. Project Segway
3. Would You Eat This for Money?
4. America’s Next Top Preclear
5. Who Wants to Be a Cultural Footnote?

1. your Flickr.com photos are still your own (although human faces are now obscured by selected partner company logos)
2. owing to unavoidable data corruption, all Upcoming.org events must be reinstalled monthly
3. following upgrade to Vista, clicking del.icio.us links now requires 1 GB of RAM and 40 GB drive space (per link)
4. Jerry Yang now compelled to “do that funny MC Hammer dance” whenever Ballmer’s meds start wearing off
5. folksy motto tweaked to “If You Ever Want to See That Pretty Family of Yours Again, You Damned Straight Better Fucking Yahoo!“

1. Frank Black
2. Bob Hodgkins
3. Barack Obama
4. Ponce De Leon
5. John Hodgman