5ives Merlin Mann's lists of five things, 2002–2016. https://5ives.com/ Merlin Mann 2016-09-01T12:00:00Z Five Musicians to Whom I’ve Drunkenly Introduced Myself https://5ives.com/archives/2016/12/02/five-musicians-to-whom-ive-drunkenly-introduced-myself/ 2016-12-02T12:00:00Z
  • John Doe (X)
  • Carl Newman (New Pornographers)
  • Sharky Laguana (Creeper Lagoon)
  • Lois Maffeo (Lois)
  • Brent Nelson (Built to Spill)
    • ]]>         Five things we should clear up https://5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-things-we-should-clear-up/ 2015-07-02T12:00:00Z
  • A car should not have to “honk” when you lock it
  • Farts should be acknowledged, if not celebrated
  • Mr. Obama is not actually reading your Twitter
  • Your hair looked better before
  • No one likes your Harley
    • ]]>         Five things that rarely indicate the beginning of a world-class blog comment https://5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-things-that-rarely-indicate-the-beginning-of-a-world-class-blog-comment/ 2015-07-02T12:00:00Z
  • “Is it just me or…”
  • “I used to really like this site, but…”
  • “Am I missing something here or…”
  • “LMAO…”
  • “So:”
    • ]]>         Five terrible fake X-Men franchises https://5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-terrible-fake-x-men-franchises/ 2015-07-02T12:00:00Z
  • Dazzler’s Irrational X-Uberance
  • 50 Shades of Jean Grey
  • Astonishing X-Actuaries
  • Professor Sartre and the All-New X-Istentialists
  • Uncanny X-Girlfriends
    • ]]>         Five superpowers I promise would use only for good https://5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-superpowers-i-promise-would-use-only-for-good/ 2015-07-02T12:00:00Z
  • giant rubberband johnson
  • bottle opener eyes
  • Black BMW-disintegrating laser hands
  • Ultimate Walgreens Nullifier
  • flawless Stratego telepathy
    • ]]>         Five names that sound like they have too many syllables https://5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-names-that-sound-like-they-have-too-many-syllables/ 2015-07-02T12:00:00Z
  • Roger Federer
  • McLean Stevenson
  • Boutros Boutros-Ghali
  • Renée Zellweger
  • Thurl Ravenscroft
    • ]]>         Five extremely minor characters https://5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-extremely-minor-characters/ 2015-07-02T12:00:00Z
  • the affectless engineer in the recording booth when Davy Jones sang on The Brady Bunch
  • the waiter who takes Fredo’s banana daiquiri order in The Godfather II
  • the G.I. in the next stall in Slaughterhouse-Five
  • the pomaded guy playing drums on the street in Taxi Driver
  • Donald Trump
    • ]]>         Five cool baby names based on U.S. presidents https://5ives.com/archives/2015/07/02/five-cool-baby-names-based-on-u-s-presidents/ 2015-07-02T12:00:00Z
  • Hardington
  • Coolidge
  • Milhous
  • Li’l Smokin’ Wheelchair Dude
  • Hoover-Marie
    • ]]>         Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes https://5ives.com/archives/2011/05/30/five-obvious-raymond-carver-jokes/ 2011-05-30T12:00:00Z
  • Where I’m Calling For a Cab From
  • Will You Please Be Quiet, Please, My Head is POUNDING, Please?
  • Call If You Need Me to Bring Ice
  • Tell the Women We’re Going on a Beer Run
  • What We Talk About When We Talk About Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes
    • ]]>         Five reasons 5ives was down for two years https://5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-reasons-5ives-was-down-for-two-years/ 2011-03-09T12:00:00Z
  • Rubberbands holding WordPress together broke. Again.
  • Chronic katalogosophobia
  • Deliciously addictive Sex in the City Box Set
  • Painful condition involving corns or something
  • I’m a complete idiot
    • ]]>         Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens https://5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-terrible-fake-panics-obsessing-parents-of-teens/ 2011-03-09T12:00:00Z
  • Raging Boner Quoits
  • Fanta ‘n Meth Slammerz
  • Locker Room Orthodonture
  • Ear Jobs
  • Bukkake Arby’s
    • ]]>         Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII https://5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-nice-perks-of-becoming-an-ot-vii-2/ 2011-03-09T12:00:00Z
  • warranty automatically extended 90 days on all E-meters™
  • tone level over 20 entitles you to free iced tea refills at the Celebrity Centre©
  • Xenu personally emails your kid on her birthday
  • complimentary Look Who’s Talking tote bag, Risky Business satin jacket
  • double card stamps toward your next “‘Ron the Commodore’ 12-inch Hoagie” for each celebrity “girlfriend” you can contribute
    • ]]>         Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo https://5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-guitarists-who-can-rock-the-three-note-solo/ 2011-03-09T12:00:00Z
  • Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac)
  • The Edge (U2)
  • Neil Young
  • Paul Reynolds (A Flock of Seagulls)
  • My friend, Mike
    • ]]>         Five cutting-edge greeting cards https://5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-cutting-edge-greeting-cards/ 2011-03-09T12:00:00Z
  • Mazel Tov on That Reversed Vasectomy!
  • Third Divorce is a Charm, Mom!
  • Your New Boobs Look Large and Super-Hard!
  • Condolences on Your Poorly-Thought-Out Home-Based Business!
  • I’m Minding Your Halitosis Less!
    • ]]>         Five controversial ontologies https://5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-controversial-ontologies/ 2011-03-09T12:00:00Z
  • We actually exist in a snow globe ruled by the autistic kid from St. Elsewhere
  • The Universe, like sexual intercourse, was created by The Beatles in the Autumn of 1962
  • The Creator’s machinations are always subject to even more all-powerful beings: Mrs. Creator. (And, her new lawyer, Sid)
  • We live in a galaxy on the thumbnail of a Santa Cruz student who’s really, really fucking high right now
  • A wizard in the sky created an infinite universe then let his son get murdered by politically-powerful bigots so he could fly back to the sky to help people who agree to believe in the wizard in return for not being forced to be sad and hot for the rest of forever
    • ]]>         Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California https://5ives.com/archives/2011/03/09/five-popular-remodeling-projects-in-northern-california/ 2011-03-09T12:00:00Z
  • shaving porch
  • koi barn
  • crying trellis
  • grudging fellatio pantry
  • remodeling room
    • ]]>         Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now https://5ives.com/archives/2009/04/12/today-cat-lady/ 2009-04-12T12:00:00Z
  • “I hope Mr. Phineas T. Snugglewhiskers doesn’t hog all the treats from The Princess Party Triplets and Li’l Cap’n Funnynose.”
  • “I’ll bet the cats other people here think about aren’t as precious as mine and can’t even tell when the mailman is secretly waiting for the best time to take all of us out to Applebee’s in his mail truck for a big skillet dinner and a Fanta.”
  • “My feet hurt.”
  • “I wonder if my feet hurt because I have diabetes. Jesus, I hope Pickles McPicklepickle No. 3 and Kitti Katfenstahl don’t eat my toes tonight.”
  • “Felicia Butterfly Oliver Sacks Von Precioushugs better not be recording over my stories; she’s not that gee-dee precious.”
    • ]]>         Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker https://5ives.com/archives/2009/04/12/five-menu-items-at-silver-spoon-thai-that-could-also-be-the-name-of-an-unsuccessful-sex-worker/ 2009-04-12T12:00:00Z
  • Jasmine Rice
  • Ginger Snapper
  • Rainbow Salad
  • Volcano Prawns
  • Pumpkin Curry
    • ]]>         Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books https://5ives.com/archives/2009/04/12/five-terrible-fake-mitch-albom-books/ 2009-04-12T12:00:00Z
  • Mondays with Whiskey
  • The Five People You Meet in Line at Arby’s
  • Saturday with Morrie’s Roommate…It’s…Like…Oh…You Know…Like… “Sal,” or “Sid,” or Something Kind of Jew-y
  • Wednesdays When That One Nurse with the Rack Washes Morrie Real Slow Like
  • Something Something Inspiration Old Person Just Call It Whatever But Just Definitely Change This Shit, Okay? –ma
    • ]]>         Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use https://5ives.com/archives/2009/04/12/five-excellent-fake-names-ive-never-found-a-place-to-use/ 2009-04-12T12:00:00Z
  • Kel Domage
  • Rosco Green
  • Skip Intro
  • Fanny B. Tender
  • Romana Clay
    • ]]>