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- Five Musicians to Whom I’ve Drunkenly Introduced Myself
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- Five Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
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Search Results for: halloween
Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
1. Sexy Prius
1. Sexy Ahmadinejad
1. Sexy Oncologist
1. Sexy Alexander Pope
1. Sexy Scented Candle
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Five Halloween safety tips
1. For large groups of trick-or-treaters, always set at least one child ablaze, ensuring enough light that other children won’t trip over uneven pavement.
1. Only separate shards of X-Acto blades from rodent poison _once you get home_; doing so in the dark will lead to inevitable mixups and tummyaches for youngsters with allergies.
1. If a home has its porch light off — but an expressionless face can be seen peering from a cellar window — consider limiting your child’s unattended visit with the resident to no more than four hours.
1. If a close-fitting mask causes your child to fall down a well, use fishing line and a paper clip to retrieve her goodie bag. _Nobody likes wet candy._
1. Although children dressed as SS-Sturmbannführer Michael Lippert are not _required_ to “pretend execute” children dressed as Ernst Röhm, many parents find this bit of theatricality kindles the spirit that makes Halloween such a delight.
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Five Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Sexy Nurse
- Sexy Cop
- Sexy Alien
- Sexy Hitler
- Sexy Doris Roberts
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Five things I used to look forward to each Autumn
- new season of TV shows
- big-ass Sears Christmas catalogue
- Halloween
- fresh Duo-Tang folders
- impending birthday
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Five articles of clothing that once gave me joy
+ Painters’ pants worn with ‘Mork’ rainbow suspenders and Dallas Cowboys 3/4-sleeve shirt (1979)
+ Red Johnny Bench sneakers (1975)
+ T-shirt airbrushed with the cover of “Wolverine #1” comic book (1982)
+ Hüsker Dü “Metal Circus” t-shirt (1987)
+ Batman halloween costume (1972) Continue reading
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