January 9th, 2004
- Papa’s Li’l Cry for Help
- Thar’s Gold in Them Thar Prostates
- Your Mom’s Not Coming Home IV
- Better’n a Hairweave, Matey
- The Boss’s Obsequious Little Bitch
January 9th, 2004
- Faddish, i.e. punk hair-styles
- Halter tops and/or bare midriff costumes
- Public Display of Affection (PDA)
- Shoving, skylarking, and other horseplay
- Articles of clothing advertising alcohol, drugs or tobacco
January 9th, 2004
- Thompson Twins’ Into the Gap album cover (entire back)
- Map of Bayonet Point, FL (face, shaved head)
- Cartoon Calvin peeing joyfully on the staff of Pitchfork (upper
left arm)
- “TALK” & “ROCK” (knuckles of either hand)
- Hash mark for each time I’ve seen Cheap Trick (back of neck; currently 5)
January 9th, 2004
- Chinese Throwing Star Night
- Loaded .22 (with scope) Night
- Guess Your Cholesterol and Get a Free Footlong Night
- Leaky Bag of Urine Night
- Nickel Absinthe Night
January 9th, 2004
- Professor Candypants (mime & contortionist)
- MC Preclear ‘n’ the “Get Audizzited” Crew (evangelical rap crew)
- Principal Badtouch (tapdancer & close magician)
- Roofie McSleepytime (clown hypnotist)
- Whitevan Andy & the Roadtrip Kidz (unspecified travel initiative)
January 9th, 2004
- Like I was just traded to another inmate for 2 packs of menthol cigarettes
- Like I’ve been slapped repeatedly with a half-frozen sturgeon
- Like I’ve accidentally just agreed to finish the homework of every kid in my middle school
- Like somewhere in a big Sprint building, there’s a fat man with a monocle and a top hat smoking a cigar while dancing a jig and holding a fat bag of five-dollar bills with my bewildered face on it
- Very, very unclean
January 9th, 2004
- Uncomfortable to see Fred McMurray and sons all playing Petula Clark’s “Downtown” on saxaphone (late in the run of My Three Sons)
- Genuinely saddened when it appeared Fonzie would have to spend Christmas alone in the garage (early episode of Happy Days)
- Pulling with all of my mental might for the buxom, wisecracking “Team ABC” (every Battle of the Network Stars)
- Utter years-long frustration at my lack of vocabulary to ask why some TV shows looked “inside” or “shiny” [shot on video] while others were “outside” or “flat” [shot on film] (various)
- Feeling an awkward but overwhelmingly powerful proto-sexual attraction to Emmy Jo (The New Zoo Revue, early 70s)
January 8th, 2004
- This Rodney Yee person is in much better physical condition than I am
- Yoga is not, apparently, a competition; thus, you are discouraged from yelling “In your face!” at your partner/opponent
- “Downward facing dog” makes me feel a little dirty
- Lacking a points system, Yoga offers no particular bonus for finishing quickly or making pithy remarks
- I remain suspicious of activities in which I cannot wear shoes or drink
January 1st, 2004
- All-day reggae festival (1988)
- Chewing on a fistful of D batteries (1970)
- Being in a Neil Simon play (1984)
- Talking to Pete Rose (1976)
- Lead singer in a execrably bad metal cover band (1985)
December 29th, 2003
- Goin’ Nowhere
- Happy Right Here
- Basement Belters
- No Vistas
- In One Place
December 26th, 2003
- USC - Had that marching band that played on Tusk (1979)
- Florida State - Brochure featured prominent photo of adorable blonde girl dressed like an indian (1984)
- Rollins - Heard classes were easy and underaged drinking was widely tolerated (1983)
- University of Florida - Orange and blue were my favorite colors, plus alligators are cool (1980)
- West Point - Everything seemed so tidy (1978)
December 24th, 2003
- A Scaled-Down Christmas: Going Through the Motions with Martha Stewart
- The Town That Forgot to Ship Early
- Kazuki Takahashi’s© Yu-Gi-Oh™ Cardtastical Action Holiday Tournament®
- Rudolph’s Shiny New Prince Albert
- E!’s “Background Noise for Drinking Alone” Marathon
December 24th, 2003
- To sing in perfect harmony (naturally)
- To use their turn signals
- To buy music and t-shirts from bands they like at live shows
- To offer their seats on MUNI to old Chinese ladies
- To give the whole “white hip-hop guy” thing a rest for a while
December 24th, 2003
- Fiber Optic Angel (with five-color oscillating ass-wings)
- Celine Dion “Parfums”
- Neon Guitar Wall Art
- Electronic-Eye Santa (joylessly croaking “Ho, ho, ho” when it detects motion)
- Advanced Formula Toe Fungus Cream
December 21st, 2003
- Tom Arnold
- Tony Danza
- Kirstie Alley
- John Walsh
- All prop comics (except Rip Taylor)
December 21st, 2003
- You’ve been wanting to buy much wider groceries (but have been stymied by the timid width of your Escalade)
- You and your make-believe wife were thinking of having 11 or 12 imaginary kids
- You’re sick of always being the environment’s goddamned bitch
- You could totally put a keg back there and just drive around and shit
- They were all out of penises
December 21st, 2003
- My crappy BSR turntable played everything a full step too fast (1984)
- “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” is a dirty play on words (1987)
- New Order was mostly a disco band who stood very still (1989)
- “Expendable” apparently does not mean the same thing as “flexible” (1980)
- “Seals & Croft” and “Sid and Marty Krofft” have nothing in particular to do with one other (1978)
December 17th, 2003
- Stop apologizing for drinking at work
- Undertake some kind of faith-based initiative
- Start carrying a yoga mat everywhere
- Spearhead a trucker cap buy-back initiative
- Begin more publicly referring to myself in the third-person as “Daddy.”
October 29th, 2003
- Clove cigarettes (1985)
- Spiderman-like web shooters (1977)
- Hash (1986)
- Fonzie-like hairstyle (using Vaseline Petroleum Jelly) (1976)
- Poems (1987)
October 13th, 2003
- My Banana Splits cereal bowl
- My full set of mid-’60s Batman and Tarzan trading cards
- My 7-inch of “Silly Love Songs” by Wings
- My 1970 VW camper van
- Easy access to Skyline Chili