October 13th, 2003
- trepanation
- illiquid
- defenestration
- antediluvian
- kopophobia
October 12th, 2003
- I curse like a sailor, even in mixed company
- I don’t really enjoy reading novels very much
- I should stop interrupting people
- I don’t understand the game of craps at all
- I should eat much more fruit
October 12th, 2003
- Using the phrase “First Annual”
- Foot tattoos
- Talk radio
- Heroin
- Televised awards shows
October 12th, 2003
- Speaking in the passive voice
- The Old Testament
- Justin Timberlake
- Waking up really early
- Saying “See you in cyberspace!” when I drunkenly leave a party
October 11th, 2003
- Mr. Bob Dobalina
- Thorstenson Finlandson
- Rrrrrrrrrroberto!
- Bubb Rubb
- Dr. Julius Kelp
October 10th, 2003
- I’m sorry, but what does this have to do with human sacrifice?
- Seriously, will you still be this interested in me after we’ve dated for a while?
- Would you be able to tell if I were defecating right now?
- I am French. Your money means nothing to me.
- I can smell your panties through the phone.
October 8th, 2003
- Popcorn Marie Jackson
- Backrub Jackson
- John Paul Michael Ringo Jackson
- Catbox Mel Ramen Pants Jackson
- Mannix II
October 8th, 2003
- AwkwardFish.com
- DreamShepherds.com
- PicklePixel.com
- CashNozzle.com
- MonkeyMonkey.com
September 22nd, 2003
- Jennifer Lopez (Struggling single mother and diner waitress, beset with late-onset acromegaly melts the hearts of her recent-immigrant customers)
- John Goodman (Struggling morbidly obese food critic, tragically born without a hypothalamus, devours flatware and crockery of Chicago’s finest eateries)
- Jim Carrey (Struggling set of profoundly retarded triplets with intermittent psychic abilities fails to consistently predict important international events)
- Brittany Murphy (Struggling double-amputee, 1/4-Cherokee law student with mild IBS teaches a town of old fogies how to dance…and, consequently, to love)
- Haley Joel Osment (Struggling child actor faces decreasing cuteness and an intruding urge to kill)
September 21st, 2003
- La Salsa Hombre
- Onan’s Bearnaise
- Love Pollution
- Saint Mayo’s Spread of Desperation
- Instant Daddy Mix
September 14th, 2003
- Finding ways to mention you don’t own a TV. Repeatedly.
- Expecting me to call you “Doctor”
- Pronouncing the French film festival “kahn”
- That little Garth Brooks headset you use with the cell phone
- Using the word “vortal” without a speck of irony
September 6th, 2003
- Adam & the Ants screen-printed velcro sports wallet (1982)
- Levi’s© denim billfold with patch (1978)
- Sharper Image™ taxicab driver’s wallet (1999)
- (My late father’s) Masonic wallet, featuring enormous creepy “G” (1976)
- Two rubberbands (1988)
September 6th, 2003
- Bumper pool
- est
- Macramé
- Pogs
- T’Pau
September 1st, 2003
- Belle & Sebastian / Fold your Hands Child, You Walk Like a Peasant
- Badly Drawn Boy / The Hour of Bewilderbeast
- The Zombies / Odessey & Oracle
- Oranger / Doorway to Norway
- The Posies / Amazing Disgrace
September 1st, 2003
- I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do)
- Kiss on my List
- Private Eyes
- When the Morning Comes
- You Make My Dreams
August 31st, 2003
- Ozzy Osbourne / The Blizzard of Ozz
- The Who / Tommy
- Adam & the Ants / Prince Charming
- Night Ranger / Dawn Patrol
- Cheap Trick / One on One
August 31st, 2003
- My best friend, John Patten, and I should live in a fanciful treehouse with our future wives and a menagerie of mostly wild animals
- There should be a national system where everyone has to get a permanent identifying mark so the police know who they are (my paternal grandmother informs this is fascism and that it’s historically been frowned upon in the US)
- People should give me a TV show where I can talk to all of my favorite performers from a variety of media. Early guests were slated to include John Schneider, Blackjack Mulligan Jr. (nee “Barry Windham”), and Devo.
- Diane Lane (or possibly Jill Whelan) should kiss me deeply and often
- I should be allowed to play Tic-Tac-Dough for money, from my home, since I got so many of the questions right every night.
August 31st, 2003
- Laden
- Helmac
- Hoisin
- Finland
- Havlicek
August 31st, 2003
- Gentle Saltine Days
- 2 Tickets to Me
- Waving at Yesterdays
- (Get Inside) The Pencils of my Mind
- The Ironic Woman
August 31st, 2003
- Carpet bombing
- Trimming Daddy’s Christmas tree
- Flipping my burgers
- Busting a Pollock
- Rewarding our heroes