August 25th, 2003
- Silkworm / In the West
- Creeper Lagoon / I Become Small and Go
- Guided by Voices / Do the Collapse
- Pavement / Terror Twilight
- Elliott Smith / XO
July 9th, 2003
- Which piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken are you? (thigh)
- Which abusive celebrity parent are you? (Joan Crawford)
- Which unreleased Jerry Lewis vehicle are you? (The Day the Clown Cried)
- Which difficult calisthenic are you? (sit ups)
- Which odd euphemism for sexual intercourse are you? (genital congress)
July 3rd, 2003
- Envelopes are Good for Mailing Letters
- (We’re Having) Leftover Pot Roast for Lunch
- 12:15, 12:15–It’s Almost 12:16
- Mike Keeps Hollering (at Me and My Imaginary Friend)
- French Fries in My Beard (Make Me Happy, But Sometimes Very Sad)
June 25th, 2003
- 16oz. of BBQ pork chow mein & 3 dim sum of your choice: $2.33 (Bay Pastry)
- Forestville 2000 Cabernet Sauvignon, 1.5l bottle: $8.49 (Sevan Liquors [a/k/a “The Little Laotian Man”])
- 1/4 BBQ duck, 1/4 soy sauce chicken, served over baby bok choy and enormous pile of white rice: $3.50 (8 Immortals Seafood Restaurant)
- Huge-ass steak burrito with avocado, rice, and beans: $4.00 (El Burrito Express)
- 3 crispy tacos: $2.00 w/coupon (Taco Bell/KFC)
June 24th, 2003
- H.R. Pufnstuf (1970)
- Tony the Tiger (1973)
- Santa (numerous)
- Gerald Ford (1975)
- Jonathan Richman (1988)
June 24th, 2003
- The Beach Boys / Greatest Hits
- The Monkees / Greatest Hits
- KISS / Destroyer
- Peter Frampton / Comes Alive
- Dolly Parton / The Best of…
June 24th, 2003
- Brian Dennehy
- Dolph Sweet
- Wilford Brimley
- Charles Durning
- That one guy who’s on Law & Order sometimes
June 24th, 2003
- Relining your own brakes
- Wearing that tube-top
- Ending your emails with “Cheers!”
- Naming the kid “Tyler”
- Watching that same “Friends” again
June 23rd, 2003
- Put your hands in the air!
- Go crazy!
- Make some noise!
- Put your hands in the fucking air!
- Clap them fucking hands!
June 18th, 2003
- Playground at recess
- That place in the woods where the bad kids smoke
- Behind the Burger Chef
- Parking lot of the skating rink
- At the mall, outside “Hoffritz for Cutlery”
June 18th, 2003
- “Bring Back my Baby!” (Merdith Baxter)
- “Hey, That’s my Baby You’ve Got!” (Suzanne Somers)
- “Baby, Come Back” (Mariel Hemingway)
- “My Baby is Missing!” (Anne Heche)
- “Baby in a Tree: A True Story” (Mariette Hartley)
April 28th, 2003
- Hit fenders repeatedly with a ball-peen hammer
- Defecate on windshield
- Break into trunk, fill with AOL® discs
- Throw razor-sharp lawn darts at tires
- Draw pee-pees and woo-woos on the driver-side door
April 17th, 2003
- No Shit Sherlock
- You Rot
- A Homo Sez What?
- Sped!
- Doy
April 10th, 2003
- 37
- 1
- 5
- 10
- you’re not thinking of a number
April 9th, 2003
- Freaky French manicure constantly inspected and maintained
- Seems to really enjoy saying “Solutions Seminar” over and over
- Cell phone’s “Für Elise” ringtone
- Thumb ring thought to be quietly boho, perhaps in a T.G.I. Friday’s kind of way
- Loves that fucking speakerphone, doesn’t she?
March 27th, 2003
- my nigga
- bodacious rack
- tequila poppers
- fully monetized
- mental floss
March 24th, 2003
- I used to underbid other web developers by saying “The Requirements Process? Fuck that! They’re trying to soak you!” (1997)
- I used to forward things I thought were funny to lots of people via email (1994)
- I voted for Nader/LaDuke (2000)
- I used to be a telemarketer (1984)
- I used to “snake” on (mean) people’s hamburgers at McDonald’s (1985)
March 15th, 2003
- Paolo Frechetti’s Original “Zodiac”
- Gravitage
- Fünk Mechanicz!
- “New Zodiac,” featuring Rob Volaré and Martin “Mook” Beelman
- The Feelin’ Fines
March 13th, 2003
- O’Hurlington’s Beet Majesty in Unrendered Goo: 12-oz. Can
- Generic-brand 12-Bean Ranchero Puffs with Cornsilk Dip’n Sauce: FunPak™ of 5
- Mysterious Lady Friend’s Pork Torquelinas in Brine: 14-oz. can (with attached Brinevelope)
- “No Fucking Way is This Flan!” (aka N.F.W.I.T.F.®): 12 4-oz. pellets
- Shiftless José’s Organic Taco-style Shell Product with Embarcadero Cheezey Drizzlin’s: 15-piece “¡Bueno Suerte!” case
March 13th, 2003
- Pricey McMarkup’s House of Suspicious Deals
- Hot Fence Electronics Village
- Kostly Kornerz
- Chez Ripoffski: A Retailerié
- Misleadington’s Big Box