March 6th, 2003
- “Hold on Loosely,” by .38 Special
- “Stairway to Heaven,” by Led Zeppelin
- “Spirit of Radio,” by Rush
- “Sister Christian,” by Night Ranger
- “Don’t Stop Believin’,” by Journey
March 6th, 2003
- “June’s Foreign Spell,” by Spoon
- “Snowsuit Sound,” by Sloan
- “Come On, Come On,” by Cheap Trick
- “Car Radio,” by Spoon
- “Rocks Off,” by the Rolling Stones
March 6th, 2003
- Law & Order
- The Sopranos
- Six Feet Under
- The West Wing
- Newshour
January 11th, 2003
- A morbid fear of closing a cat in a door
- Uncontrollable counting of patterns of four
- Repeatedly listening to “Convoy” by C.W. McCall
- The constant sense that I’d forgotten to wear pants
- Wondering if I was the only human and everyone else was a robot placed here by God or a scientist
January 4th, 2003
- The Devil’s Handbag
- Dead Man’s Meadow
- The Widow Encourager
- Pointy Spikes Through Your Eyes Junction
- Thumbsnatch Cove
December 11th, 2002
- If it happens that my death occurred in some public place, there is to be no ersatz memorial created on that location comprised of teddy bears, mylar balloons, or terrible poems written on posterboard in pink Magic Marker™. This is very, very important.
- If you choose to have any kind of service “memorializing” me, there will be no use of the phrase “looking down on us.”
- At no time is any outraged friend or family member to appear in public looking indignant and holding up a framed photograph of me.
- If you refer to anything I’ve ever done as “brave,” “courageous,” or “special,” I will personally come back from the grave and shit angry ghost turds in your coffee pot.
- If the resources exist and the weather is fine, I’d prefer to have my remains torn asunder by vicious dogs while “Tusk” is performed by an enthusiastic high school marching band.
November 2nd, 2002
- I dress like a slightly-retarded farm hand
- I drink Natural Light Beer almost exclusively
- I still can’t distinguish spoken Cantonese from Mandarin
- I still say things like “I’m not paying $2000 a month so you can block my driveway, Bub!”
- I still think “Eww” every time I step over a human turd on the sidewalk
October 11th, 2002
- How Kitties Pray
- Sleep Your Carcinoma Away
- Healthy Tomorrow…with Tarragon!
- Armchair Aerobic Crunch
- International Images of Jesus in Bread
October 10th, 2002
- Pit-Pat
- Col. Sanders
- Hamburglar
- Burger Chef & Jeff
- Quaker Oats Guy
October 10th, 2002
- Commercial for ventriloquist movie, “Magic”
- Tiny animated Chuck Wagon chased by dog
- Chanel #5 swimming pool ad
- Calgon: Ancient Chinese Secret
- John Cameron Swayze Timex ads
October 9th, 2002
- No Time for Sundays
- Die on Your Own Time
- Tumbler of Bullets
- Game for Two
- Fall Down Faster, Lovely
October 9th, 2002
- Bob Trumpy
- Steve Garvey
- Tommy Lasorda
- Ron Cey
- Davey Lopes
September 17th, 2002
- Dutch Masters™ cigars
- Turkey Salami
- Tab™
- Head Cheese
- Human souls
September 17th, 2002
- Stone Phillips
- Steve Vai
- Dr. Phil
- Trent Lott (pantsless, especially)
- David Soul
September 17th, 2002
- My novelization of “The Warriors”
- My grassroots movement to begin an “Animal House”-style fraternity
- Paper torn from spiral notebooks (”I don’t need any frilly underwear,” he’d creepily declare)
- My extemporaneous remarks on the principal’s Nordic accent
- Monkey business
August 19th, 2002
- Sack Lunch
- Rochelle, Rochelle
- Cry, Cry Again
- Death Blow
- Prognosis Negative
April 29th, 2002
- Two guys are caught–uh–enjoying one another’s company between two houses in a residential area. One speaks only Spanish, while the other speaks a kind of fractured English. When the second man is asked why his fly is down and there’s grass all over his back, he plays it off legit: “I doan know! He breeng me back here…maybe kill me or something and steal my money!”
- Man is thrown off bus for disruptive behavior. Police, curious about the metallic sparkle on the tip of his nose, search him and discover a plastic bag with half an inch of liquified spray paint in it. Further searching reveals several pairs of ladies underwear–still on the teeny hangers–stuffed under his waistband. Every mother’s nightmare; their son on a binge of spray paint huffing and panty theft.
- Woman pulled over for suspicious driving speaks gibberish: “You can squeeze my wrist all you want, whoremongers, but you ain’t gonna get nothing but my wallet.” Sublime.
- Enormous, naked, bleeding, cracked-up man in barber shop must be subdued by five or six officers.
- Man coerces estranged girlfriend (smoking a butt in a beaded fringe t-shirt) to talk to him by offering money, a carton of cigarettes, or a steak and shrimp dinner.
April 29th, 2002
- Corn snake in bedroom, 1984
- Mother Opossum on the back porch, 1994
- White mouse, captured under 5-gallon bucket, 1980
- Turtle in side yard, 1977
- Imaginary alligator in bathroom, 1972
April 29th, 2002
- Hair gel
- Puns
- Expressions of sympathy
- Novelty records
- Comments on a breakup
April 29th, 2002
- “What are you guys, some kind of head fuck band?”
(Guy with a mullet at a Bacon Ray show, 1995)
- “As far as I’m concerned, all you new wavers are in purgatory.”
(Doorman at Backstreets, 1990)
- “If he’s not, he’s missing his best bet.”
(Sam’s Dad, asked if their interior decorator was gay, 1984)
- “The heft of your rhetoric far outweighs the fragility of your insights.”
(Mac Miller, upon reading my first paper for Vonnegut class, 1986)
- “If you played with your fingers, you’d sound like Stanley Clarke.”
(Sound man at Yanni’s to Mike Coleman, 1993)