Five favorite bands (10th grade)

April 17th, 2002
  1. Adam & the Ants
  2. The Who
  3. Black Sabbath
  4. The Police
  5. The Beatles

Five things I variously wanted to be as a kid

April 17th, 2002
  1. Accountant
  2. Lawyer
  3. Minister
  4. President of a Bank
  5. Funnycar driver

Five TV shows I once lived for

April 17th, 2002
  1. The Kids from C.A.P.E.R
  2. The Dukes of Hazzard
  3. Mission: Impossible
  4. Lancelot Link
  5. SWAT

Five things I’m glad I didn’t have in high school

April 17th, 2002
  1. Back acne
  2. Siblings
  3. Ulcers
  4. Access to hard drugs
  5. An affinity for sports

Five places that make me nervous

April 15th, 2002
  1. Hooters
  2. “Just stopping by this one guy’s house for a minute”
  3. Bars where women sell shots in test tubes
  4. Rooms containing teenagers
  5. Anyplace people are praying

Five words I suspect have never been used to describe me

April 15th, 2002
  1. Reserved
  2. Bootylicious
  3. Thrifty
  4. Laconic
  5. Hospitaliano

Five things I hated about working in an office

April 15th, 2002
  1. “Wings night!”
  2. Softball
  3. Asking/being asked “how was your weekend?”
  4. “Sign the birthday card…pass it on”
  5. Boss picks ass while walking down hallway

Five things about Elvis

April 15th, 2002
  1. Frequently ate nothing but mashed potatoes and piping hot coffee
  2. Liked watching girls wrestle in their underpants
  3. Had a chimp that did dirty things to visitors
  4. Hated his own movies–especially the scripts and his acting
  5. Gave all his “guys” matching mobile homes

Five favorite bible characters

April 15th, 2002
  1. Job
  2. Paul
  3. Jesus
  4. Moses
  5. God

Five bad signs about the band onstage

April 15th, 2002
  1. Large gong behind drummer
  2. > 3 guitar players
  3. Teleprompters
  4. Anyone wearing own band’s t shirt (bonus if it’s for the current tour)
  5. Opening with a cover

Five snapshots from the day pot “took” (1984)

April 15th, 2002
  1. At home, I hallucinated that Suzie was a limited edition Elizabeth Taylor Denny’s children’s menu (complete with punchouts and maze game)
  2. Completely unclear how I made it to work (as busboy at a steakhouse)
  3. Foolishly attempted to pick up 40-lb tray of dirty dishes; I ask to go home (”very, very sick”)
  4. Grandma picks me up. She has a nose bleed. She talks compulsively as she drives northbound into southbound US 19 traffic.
  5. My eyes roll back in my head. Grandma prays aloud as she careens off the road. This is a true story

Five good dreams

April 15th, 2002
  1. Eaten by a large purple dragon. He flies around, and the lavender sunlight shines through his translucent skin as I sit nervously in his stomach, 1971
  2. Score big touchdown and fall in end zone. Stunning blond girl my age (12) stoops down, smiles and kisses me square on the mouth, 1979
  3. “It’s a small world”-style boat ride through the Ringling Museum, 1992
  4. I fly in deft circles around our 12 x 12 living room, 1974
  5. Slow-motion camera work captures my concentration as I crouch and then effortlessly leap over Melissa’s (the fireman’s daughter) house, 1976

Five cassettes from orientation week, 1986

April 15th, 2002
  1. Stan Ridgway, “The Big Heat”
  2. R.E.M., “Lifes Rich Pageant”
  3. The Smiths, “The Queen is Dead”
  4. Big Audio Dynamite, “This is Big Audio Dynamite”
  5. Dead Kennedys/Black Flag Mix Tape

Five who wrecked my sexual cosmology

April 15th, 2002
  1. Catwoman (Batman)
  2. Joy (the Bugaloos)
  3. Bat Girl (Batman)
  4. Julie (The Mod Squad)
  5. Gwen (Airport)

Five things I still don’t get

April 15th, 2002
  1. Tortoise
  2. Java
  3. SUVs
  4. Goldfish
  5. Mormons

Five college roommate situations (by date)

April 15th, 2002
  1. Evan Feldman, 1986
  2. Pete Cerny, 1987
  3. [The guy who listened to Pat Matheny], 1987
  4. Richard & Jake, 1988
  5. Michael & Dan, 1989

Five weird trips

April 14th, 2002
  1. 2CB with Dawn, Rick’s House, 1988
  2. Sugarcube with Lynn, Rm 146, 1987
  3. 1/2 tab + 1/2 X with Kim, Tony, Schick & Terri, Butgereit, et al, Sandor’s motel, 1994
  4. 2/3 tab, Hamilton Center, 1993 (StarBuster night!)
  5. San Pedro (tar-based cactus), West Campus with Pete, Lynn, Ron, Chris, & friends, 1986

Five bad men

April 14th, 2002
  1. Jack Stayin, Stepfather, 1982
  2. John Brown, Landlord, 1989
  3. John Cooper, House father, 1979
  4. Don Price, Landlord, 1990
  5. Mike Something, Landlord, 1983

Five unrequited crushes

April 14th, 2002
  1. Lisa Hughes, 1976 (the big one)
  2. Michele Crumley, 1982-1985 (sporadically, later requited)
  3. Kim Mundt, 1990 (later requited)
  4. Donna Hall, 1982
  5. Kismet Abbey, 1981

Five memorable vomits

April 14th, 2002
  1. 2 Quarts of Magnum, followed by a flask of Clan MacGregor. Ferguson plays me “Everything Flows” for the first time, I cover myself in patchouli and pass out on Charlie’s bed. Next day: Madonna-thon and 12 hours of vomiting, 1990.
  2. Soft serve after oral surgery, 1978
  3. Southern Comfort & Mountain Dew with KC Misemer, 1985
  4. “Holy Grail” at Rich Gennaro’s house, 1984
  5. Sausage dog, followed by 15-minute-walk-run, 1980