Monthly Archives: October 2006

1. For large groups of trick-or-treaters, always set at least one child ablaze, ensuring enough light that other children won’t trip over uneven pavement.
1. Only separate shards of X-Acto blades from rodent poison _once you get home_; doing so in the dark will lead to inevitable mixups and tummyaches for youngsters with allergies.
1. If a home has its porch light off — but an expressionless face can be seen peering from a cellar window — consider limiting your child’s unattended visit with the resident to no more than four hours.
1. If a close-fitting mask causes your child to fall down a well, use fishing line and a paper clip to retrieve her goodie bag. _Nobody likes wet candy._
1. Although children dressed as SS-Sturmbannführer Michael Lippert are not _required_ to “pretend execute” children dressed as Ernst Röhm, many parents find this bit of theatricality kindles the spirit that makes Halloween such a delight.
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1. Zero Mostel
1. Gene Hackman (retired)
1. Donald Trump
1. that Chinese guy I always see on MUNI
1. Rudy Guiliani (retired)
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1. Surviving members of *every* 50s doo-wop band fight to the death with clubs — shirtless and totally coked-up — in massive Thunderdome-like arena
1. cast of Monty Python comments on previous pledge-season Python commentaries (available on DVD for one-time $200 donation)
1. Gwen Ifill leads a group of American schoolchildren on a field trip to the Beijing factory where your tote bag was manufactured
1. Suze Orman and Johnny Knoxville kick each other in the genitals for 90 minutes
1. _Antiques Roadshow_ guests offered immediate cash on the barrel-head; provided they can eat their entire antique in three minutes

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1. brassel frassel
1. futza mucker
1. cockle spoker
1. snaggle brassa
1. sacka liquor
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1. mysterious dinnertime calls from “underwear police” reveal Capitol Hill area code
1. last-minute codicil of House highway bill briefly renames your town “Jimmy’s Erectionville”
1. “official” email invitation to congressional lap-sitting session clearly comes from AOL address
1. extravagant gift of gladiator movie box-set personally delivered by Rep (perspiring in full gladiator costume)
1. interest in son’s education seems limited to repeated insistence he read _Death in Venice_
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1. repeatedly checked progress of floppy emo forelock
1. wrote lengthy longhand list of “friends”; “de-friended” each by means of vigorous horizontal pen strokes
1. idly doodled “_Dr. and Mrs. Good Charlotte_” in margins of your Consumer Math book
1. cutting — again with the cutting
1. imagined own funeral (and how sad and sorry everyone will be)
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1. people who always use turn signals
1. persons who have never purchased a greeting card
1. Broken Social Scene
1. everyone who can and does continue to publicly breakdance
1. un-ironic wearers of suspenders
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1. Thurston Moore
1. Joe Perry
1. Henry Rollins
1. Flea
1. Chuck Klosterman
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1. “Flight of Icarus” – Greek myth of Daedalus, Icarus, and the wax wings they made
1. “Aces High” – Battle of Britain (1940)
1. “Run to the Hills” – US destroying Native American life and culture (1800s)
1. “The Trooper” – Battle of Balaclava (1854)
1. “The Number of the Beast” – _Damien: Omen II_ (1978)
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