Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you

  1. gently enquires as to where you like to put the turkey baster
  2. repeatedly offers to demonstrate “how Blighty squeezes the lemonade”
  3. stands in your front yard, pants-less and swinging a garden hose in lazy figure-eights
  4. makes rapid “milking a cow” gesture while screaming something incoherent about Robert Johnson
  5. drops his semi-erect penis onto your dessert plate

And, moreover, we offer these theoretically similar 5ives…

  1. Five who wrecked my sexual cosmology
  2. Five actors I prefer not to visualize having intercourse
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