Author Archives: Merlin

Five Musicians to Whom I’ve Drunkenly Introduced Myself

1. John Doe (X) 2. Carl Newman (New Pornographers) 3. Sharky Laguana (Creeper Lagoon) 4. Lois Maffeo (Lois) 5. Brent Nelson (Built to Spill)

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Five things we should clear up

1. A car should not have to “honk” when you lock it 2. Farts should be acknowledged, if not celebrated 3. Mr. Obama is not _actually_ reading your Twitter 4. Your hair looked better before 5. No one likes your … Continue reading

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Five extremely minor characters

1. the affectless engineer in the recording booth when Davy Jones sang on _The Brady Bunch_ 2. the waiter who takes Fredo’s _banana daiquiri_ order in _The Godfather II_ 3. the G.I. in the next stall in _Slaughterhouse-Five_ 4. the … Continue reading

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Five terrible fake X-Men franchises

1. Dazzler’s Irrational X-Uberance 2. 50 Shades of Jean Grey 3. Astonishing X-Actuaries 4. Professor Sartre and the All-New X-Istentialists 5. Uncanny X-Girlfriends

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Five things that rarely indicate the beginning of a world-class blog comment

1. “Is it just me or…” 2. “I used to really like this site, but…” 3. “Am I missing something here or…” 4. “LMAO…” 5. “So:”

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Five names that sound like they have too many syllables

1. Roger Federer 2. McLean Stevenson 3. Boutros Boutros-Ghali 4. Renée Zellweger 5. Thurl Ravenscroft

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Five superpowers I promise would use only for good

1. giant rubberband johnson 2. bottle opener eyes 3. Black BMW-disintegrating laser hands 4. Ultimate Walgreens Nullifier 5. flawless Stratego telepathy

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Five cool baby names based on U.S. presidents

1. Hardington 2. Coolidge 3. Milhous 4. Li’l Smokin’ Wheelchair Dude 5. Hoover-Marie

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Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes

1. Where I’m Calling For a Cab From 2. Will You Please Be Quiet, Please, My Head is *POUNDING*, Please? 3. Call If You Need Me to Bring Ice 4. Tell the Women We’re Going on a Beer Run 5. … Continue reading

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Five reasons 5ives was down for two years

1. Rubberbands holding WordPress together broke. Again. 2. Chronic katalogosophobia 3. Deliciously addictive *Sex in the City* Box Set 4. Painful condition involving corns or something 5. I’m a *complete* idiot

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Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens

1. Raging Boner Quoits 2. Fanta ‘n Meth Slammerz 3. Locker Room Orthodonture 4. Ear Jobs 5. Bukkake Arby’s

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Five controversial ontologies

1. We actually exist in a snow globe ruled by the autistic kid from _St. Elsewhere_ 2. The Universe, like sexual intercourse, was created by The Beatles in the Autumn of 1962 3. The Creator’s machinations are always subject to … Continue reading

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Five cutting-edge greeting cards

1. Mazel Tov on That Reversed Vasectomy! 1. Third Divorce is a Charm, Mom! 1. Your New Boobs Look Large and Super-Hard! 1. Condolences on Your Poorly-Thought-Out Home-Based Business! 1. I’m Minding Your Halitosis Less!

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Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo

1. Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac) 2. The Edge (U2) 3. Neil Young 4. Paul Reynolds (A Flock of Seagulls) 5. My friend, Mike

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Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII

1. warranty automatically extended 90 days on all E-meters™ 2. tone level over 20 entitles you to free iced tea refills at the Celebrity Centre© 3. Xenu personally emails your kid on her birthday 4. complimentary _Look Who’s Talking_ tote … Continue reading

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Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California

1. shaving porch 2. koi barn 3. crying trellis 4. grudging fellatio pantry 5. remodeling room

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Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now

1. “I hope Mr. Phineas T. Snugglewhiskers doesn’t hog all the treats from The Princess Party Triplets and Li’l Cap’n Funnynose.”
1. “I’ll bet the cats other people here think about aren’t as precious as mine and can’t even tell when the mailman is secretly waiting for the best time to take all of us out to Applebee’s in his mail truck for a big skillet dinner and a Fanta.”
1. “My feet hurt.”
1. “I wonder if my feet hurt because I have diabetes. Jesus, I hope Pickles McPicklepickle No. 3 and Kitti Katfenstahl don’t eat my toes tonight.”
2. “Felicia Butterfly Oliver Sacks Von Precioushugs better not be recording over my stories; she’s not _that_ gee-dee precious.”

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Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker

1. Jasmine Rice
1. Ginger Snapper
1. Rainbow Salad
1. Volcano Prawns
1. Pumpkin Curry

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Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books

3. *Mondays with Whiskey*
2. *The Five People You Meet in Line at Arby’s*
1. *Saturday with Morrie’s Roommate…It’s…Like…Oh…You Know…Like… “Sal,” or “Sid,” or Something Kind of Jew-y*
4. *Wednesdays When That One Nurse with the Rack Washes Morrie Real Slow Like*
2. *Something Something Inspiration Old Person Just Call It Whatever But Just Definitely Change This Shit, Okay? –ma*

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Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use

1. Kel Domage
1. Rosco Green
1. Skip Intro
1. Fanny B. Tender
1. Romana Clay

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Five inanimate objects that frequently seem annoyed with me

1. Nüvi GPS navigator
1. Windows Media Player
2. pineapples
3. all sports equipment
1. the Taco Bell lady

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Five terrible fake Jane Austen novels

1. Rash and Rationality
1. Punk and Punctuality
1. Beast and Bestiality
1. Funk and Functionality
1. Fried and Credulous

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Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurants

1. The Saltiest Joint
1. Suck the Bone
1. Unexpectedly Covered in Sauce
1. Bar-B-Q*bert
1. Texas Pete’s Rootin’, Tootin’ Pulled Pork ‘n’ Fellatio Funfactory

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Five records I wish I could have sung backup on

1. “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by The Lovin’ Spoonful
1. “Wall of Death” by Richard & Linda Thompson
1. “Rocks Off” by The Rolling Stones
1. _anything_ by Neil Young & Crazy Horse
1. “The Village Green Preservation Society” by The Kinks

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Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing

1. barber
1. MUNI driver
1. flight attendant
1. kung-fu master
1. deceased fried chicken entrepreneur

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Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday

1. condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
1. _The Elements of Style_ by Strunk and White
1. phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
1. _Surfer Rosa_ by Pixies
1. iPod on which to listen to _Surfer Rosa_ at painfully loud volume

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Five unusual Top Chef production crew titles

  1. Fauxhawk Sharpener
  2. Timpani Dramaticizer
  3. Molecular Gastronomy Re-explainer
  4. Foam Consultant
  5. Clog Wrangler

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Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic report

1. slow in pockets
1. jackknifed big rig
1. backed-up to the maze
1. Friday-light
1. goat on the shoulder

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Five rejected titles for the latest Coldplay record

1. _¿Perry Cómo Estás?_
1. _Que Syrah Syrah_
1. _Bicycletarse_
1. _Chili Art Carney_
1. _No Hablamos Español_

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Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product

1. Quiet Evenings
1. Me & the Kitties
1. Lonesome Bites
1. Monomunches
1. Singles…for Life! Continue reading

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