Author Archives: Merlin

Five things we should clear up

A car should not have to “honk” when you lock it Farts should be acknowledged, if not celebrated Mr. Obama is not actually reading your Twitter Your hair looked better before No one likes your Harley

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things we should clear up

Five cool baby names based on U.S. presidents

Hardington Coolidge Milhous Li’l Smokin’ Wheelchair Dude Hoover-Marie

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five cool baby names based on U.S. presidents

Five extremely minor characters

the affectless engineer in the recording booth when Davy Jones sang on The Brady Bunch the waiter who takes Fredo’s banana daiquiri order in The Godfather II the G.I. in the next stall in Slaughterhouse-Five the pomaded guy playing drums … Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five extremely minor characters

Five terrible fake X-Men franchises

Dazzler’s Irrational X-Uberance 50 Shades of Jean Grey Astonishing X-Actuaries Professor Sartre and the All-New X-Istentialists Uncanny X-Girlfriends

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake X-Men franchises

Five things that rarely indicate the beginning of a world-class blog comment

“Is it just me or…” “I used to really like this site, but…” “Am I missing something here or…” “LMAO…” “So:”

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things that rarely indicate the beginning of a world-class blog comment

Five names that sound like they have too many syllables

Roger Federer McLean Stevenson Boutros Boutros-Ghali Renée Zellweger Thurl Ravenscroft

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five names that sound like they have too many syllables

Five superpowers I promise would use only for good

giant rubberband johnson bottle opener eyes Black BMW-disintegrating laser hands Ultimate Walgreens Nullifier flawless Stratego telepathy

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five superpowers I promise would use only for good

Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes

Where I’m Calling For a Cab From Will You Please Be Quiet, Please, My Head is POUNDING, Please? Call If You Need Me to Bring Ice Tell the Women We’re Going on a Beer Run What We Talk About When … Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes

Five reasons 5ives was down for two years

Rubberbands holding WordPress together broke. Again. Chronic katalogosophobia Deliciously addictive Sex in the City Box Set Painful condition involving corns or something I’m a complete idiot

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five reasons 5ives was down for two years

Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens

Raging Boner Quoits Fanta ‘n Meth Slammerz Locker Room Orthodonture Ear Jobs Bukkake Arby’s

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens

Five controversial ontologies

We actually exist in a snow globe ruled by the autistic kid from St. Elsewhere The Universe, like sexual intercourse, was created by The Beatles in the Autumn of 1962 The Creator’s machinations are always subject to even more all-powerful … Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five controversial ontologies

Five cutting-edge greeting cards

Mazel Tov on That Reversed Vasectomy! Third Divorce is a Charm, Mom! Your New Boobs Look Large and Super-Hard! Condolences on Your Poorly-Thought-Out Home-Based Business! I’m Minding Your Halitosis Less!

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five cutting-edge greeting cards

Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo

Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac) The Edge (U2) Neil Young Paul Reynolds (A Flock of Seagulls) My friend, Mike

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo

Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII

warranty automatically extended 90 days on all E-meters™ tone level over 20 entitles you to free iced tea refills at the Celebrity Centre© Xenu personally emails your kid on her birthday complimentary Look Who’s Talking tote bag, Risky Business satin … Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII

Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California

shaving porch koi barn crying trellis grudging fellatio pantry remodeling room

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California

Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now

  1. “I hope Mr. Phineas T. Snugglewhiskers doesn’t hog all the treats from The Princess Party Triplets and Li’l Cap’n Funnynose.”
  2. “I’ll bet the cats other people here think about aren’t as precious as mine and can’t even tell when the mailman is secretly waiting for the best time to take all of us out to Applebee’s in his mail truck for a big skillet dinner and a Fanta.”
  3. “My feet hurt.”
  4. “I wonder if my feet hurt because I have diabetes. Jesus, I hope Pickles McPicklepickle No. 3 and Kitti Katfenstahl don’t eat my toes tonight.”
  5. “Felicia Butterfly Oliver Sacks Von Precioushugs better not be recording over my stories; she’s not that gee-dee precious.”
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now

Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker

  1. Jasmine Rice
  2. Ginger Snapper
  3. Rainbow Salad
  4. Volcano Prawns
  5. Pumpkin Curry
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker

Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books

  1. Mondays with Whiskey
  2. The Five People You Meet in Line at Arby’s
  3. Saturday with Morrie’s Roommate…It’s…Like…Oh…You Know…Like… “Sal,” or “Sid,” or Something Kind of Jew-y
  4. Wednesdays When That One Nurse with the Rack Washes Morrie Real Slow Like
  5. Something Something Inspiration Old Person Just Call It Whatever But Just Definitely Change This Shit, Okay? –ma
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books

Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use

  1. Kel Domage
  2. Rosco Green
  3. Skip Intro
  4. Fanny B. Tender
  5. Romana Clay
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use

Five inanimate objects that frequently seem annoyed with me

  1. Nüvi GPS navigator
  2. Windows Media Player
  3. pineapples
  4. all sports equipment
  5. the Taco Bell lady
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five inanimate objects that frequently seem annoyed with me

Five terrible fake Jane Austen novels

  1. Rash and Rationality
  2. Punk and Punctuality
  3. Beast and Bestiality
  4. Funk and Functionality
  5. Fried and Credulous
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake Jane Austen novels

Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurants

  1. The Saltiest Joint
  2. Suck the Bone
  3. Unexpectedly Covered in Sauce
  4. Bar-B-Q*bert
  5. Texas Pete’s Rootin’, Tootin’ Pulled Pork ‘n’ Fellatio Funfactory
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurants

Five records I wish I could have sung backup on

  1. “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by The Lovin’ Spoonful
  2. “Wall of Death” by Richard & Linda Thompson
  3. “Rocks Off” by The Rolling Stones
  4. anything by Neil Young & Crazy Horse
  5. “The Village Green Preservation Society” by The Kinks
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five records I wish I could have sung backup on

Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing

  1. barber
  2. MUNI driver
  3. flight attendant
  4. kung-fu master
  5. deceased fried chicken entrepreneur
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing

Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday

  1. condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
  2. The Elements of Style by Strunk and White
  3. phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
  4. Surfer Rosa by Pixies
  5. iPod on which to listen to Surfer Rosa at painfully loud volume
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday

Five unusual Top Chef production crew titles

  1. Fauxhawk Sharpener
  2. Timpani Dramaticizer
  3. Molecular Gastronomy Re-explainer
  4. Foam Consultant
  5. Clog Wrangler
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five unusual Top Chef production crew titles

Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic report

  1. slow in pockets
  2. jackknifed big rig
  3. backed-up to the maze
  4. Friday-light
  5. goat on the shoulder
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic report

Five rejected titles for the latest Coldplay record

  1. ¿Perry Cómo Estás?
  2. Que Syrah Syrah
  3. Bicycletarse
  4. Chili Art Carney
  5. No Hablamos Español
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five rejected titles for the latest Coldplay record

Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product

  1. Quiet Evenings
  2. Me & the Kitties
  3. Lonesome Bites
  4. Monomunches
  5. Singles…for Life!
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product

Five ways to leverage the mobile thinkosphere

  1. blogmobisodes
  2. webmobinars
  3. telestreamanogisodes
  4. lividmobipostiscussions
  5. netconvermomomobomasations
Continue reading

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five ways to leverage the mobile thinkosphere