Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday

1. condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
1. _The Elements of Style_ by Strunk and White
1. phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
1. _Surfer Rosa_ by Pixies
1. iPod on which to listen to _Surfer Rosa_ at painfully loud volume

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