Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday

  1. condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
  2. The Elements of Style by Strunk and White
  3. phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
  4. Surfer Rosa by Pixies
  5. iPod on which to listen to Surfer Rosa at painfully loud volume
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