Five potentially novel new year’s resolutions

  1. authentically behave as though you’re living in an unending Ronnie James Dio song
  2. renounce thermodynamics as prideful conceit borne of modern secular culture
  3. eat only animals that have appeared in Richard Scarry illustrations
  4. lick unused cutlery whenever people aren’t looking
  5. finally finish building backyard shrine to Karen Black
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