Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now

  1. “I hope Mr. Phineas T. Snugglewhiskers doesn’t hog all the treats from The Princess Party Triplets and Li’l Cap’n Funnynose.”
  2. “I’ll bet the cats other people here think about aren’t as precious as mine and can’t even tell when the mailman is secretly waiting for the best time to take all of us out to Applebee’s in his mail truck for a big skillet dinner and a Fanta.”
  3. “My feet hurt.”
  4. “I wonder if my feet hurt because I have diabetes. Jesus, I hope Pickles McPicklepickle No. 3 and Kitti Katfenstahl don’t eat my toes tonight.”
  5. “Felicia Butterfly Oliver Sacks Von Precioushugs better not be recording over my stories; she’s not that gee-dee precious.”
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