Archive for October, 2006
Monday, October 23rd, 2006
- For large groups of trick-or-treaters, always set at least one child ablaze, ensuring enough light that other children won’t trip over uneven pavement.
- Only separate shards of X-Acto blades from rodent poison once you get home; doing so in the dark will lead to inevitable mixups and tummyaches for youngsters with allergies.
- If a home has its porch light off — but an expressionless face can be seen peering from a cellar window — consider limiting your child’s unattended visit with the resident to no more than four hours.
- If a close-fitting mask causes your child to fall down a well, use fishing line and a paper clip to retrieve her goodie bag. Nobody likes wet candy.
- Although children dressed as SS-Sturmbannführer Michael Lippert are not required to “pretend execute” children dressed as Ernst Röhm, many parents find this bit of theatricality kindles the spirit that makes Halloween such a delight.
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Monday, October 23rd, 2006
- Zero Mostel
- Gene Hackman (retired)
- Donald Trump
- that Chinese guy I always see on MUNI
- Rudy Guiliani (retired)
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Monday, October 23rd, 2006
- Surviving members of every 50s doo-wop band fight to the death with clubs — shirtless and totally coked-up — in massive Thunderdome-like arena
- cast of Monty Python comments on previous pledge-season Python commentaries (available on DVD for one-time $200 donation)
- Gwen Ifill leads a group of American schoolchildren on a field trip to the Beijing factory where your tote bag was manufactured
- Suze Orman and Johnny Knoxville kick each other in the genitals for 90 minutes
- Antiques Roadshow guests offered immediate cash on the barrel-head; provided they can eat their entire antique in three minutes
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Monday, October 23rd, 2006
- brassel frassel
- futza mucker
- cockle spoker
- snaggle brassa
- sacka liquor
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Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
- mysterious dinnertime calls from “underwear police” reveal Capitol Hill area code
- last-minute codicil of House highway bill briefly renames your town “Jimmy’s Erectionville”
- “official” email invitation to congressional lap-sitting session clearly comes from AOL address
- extravagant gift of gladiator movie box-set personally delivered by Rep (perspiring in full gladiator costume)
- interest in son’s education seems limited to repeated insistence he read Death in Venice
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Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
- repeatedly checked progress of floppy emo forelock
- wrote lengthy longhand list of “friends”; “de-friended” each by means of vigorous horizontal pen strokes
- idly doodled “Dr. and Mrs. Good Charlotte” in margins of your Consumer Math book
- cutting — again with the cutting
- imagined own funeral (and how sad and sorry everyone will be)
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Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
- people who always use turn signals
- persons who have never purchased a greeting card
- Broken Social Scene
- everyone who can and does continue to publicly breakdance
- un-ironic wearers of suspenders
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Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
- Thurston Moore
- Joe Perry
- Henry Rollins
- Flea
- Chuck Klosterman
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Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
- “Flight of Icarus” - Greek myth of Daedalus, Icarus, and the wax wings they made
- “Aces High” - Battle of Britain (1940)
- “Run to the Hills” - US destroying Native American life and culture (1800s)
- “The Trooper” - Battle of Balaclava (1854)
- “The Number of the Beast” - Damien: Omen II (1978)
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