Archive for February, 2008

Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008
  1. gently enquires as to where you like to put the turkey baster
  2. repeatedly offers to demonstrate “how Blighty squeezes the lemonade”
  3. stands in your front yard, pants-less and swinging a garden hose in lazy figure-eights
  4. makes rapid “milking a cow” gesture while screaming something incoherent about Robert Johnson
  5. drops his semi-erect penis onto your dessert plate

Five more terrible fake reality TV shows

Monday, February 4th, 2008
  1. Are You Smarter Than an Ottoman?
  2. Project Segway
  3. Would You Eat This for Money?
  4. America’s Next Top Preclear
  5. Who Wants to Be a Cultural Footnote?

Five subtle changes in the event that Microsoft acquires Yahoo!

Friday, February 1st, 2008
  1. your Flickr.com photos are still your own (although human faces are now obscured by selected partner company logos)
  2. owing to unavoidable data corruption, all Upcoming.org events must be reinstalled monthly
  3. following upgrade to Vista, clicking del.icio.us links now requires 1 GB of RAM and 40 GB drive space (per link)
  4. Jerry Yang now compelled to “do that funny MC Hammer dance” whenever Ballmer’s meds start wearing off
  5. folksy motto tweaked to “If You Ever Want to See That Pretty Family of Yours Again, You Damned Straight Better Fucking Yahoo!

Five names you can belch

Friday, February 1st, 2008
  1. Frank Black
  2. Bob Hodgkins
  3. Barack Obama
  4. Ponce De Leon
  5. John Hodgman