Archive for September, 2002

Five odd things my hateful stepfather consumed in large quantities

Tuesday, September 17th, 2002
  1. Dutch Masters™ cigars
  2. Turkey Salami
  3. Tab™
  4. Head Cheese
  5. Human souls

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Five celebrities who would really creep me out if I found them sitting in my living room when I got home from the Safeway

Tuesday, September 17th, 2002
  1. Stone Phillips
  2. Steve Vai
  3. Dr. Phil
  4. Trent Lott (pantsless, especially)
  5. David Soul

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Five Things Banned by Mr. Marsh, 5th Grade teacher

Tuesday, September 17th, 2002
  1. My novelization of “The Warriors”
  2. My grassroots movement to begin an “Animal House”-style fraternity
  3. Paper torn from spiral notebooks (”I don’t need any frilly underwear,” he’d creepily declare)
  4. My extemporaneous remarks on the principal’s Nordic accent
  5. Monkey business

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