Archive for June, 2003

Five extraordinary food and drink deals within three blocks of our flat

Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
  1. 16oz. of BBQ pork chow mein & 3 dim sum of your choice: $2.33 (Bay Pastry)
  2. Forestville 2000 Cabernet Sauvignon, 1.5l bottle: $8.49 (Sevan Liquors [a/k/a “The Little Laotian Man”])
  3. 1/4 BBQ duck, 1/4 soy sauce chicken, served over baby bok choy and enormous pile of white rice: $3.50 (8 Immortals Seafood Restaurant)
  4. Huge-ass steak burrito with avocado, rice, and beans: $4.00 (El Burrito Express)
  5. 3 crispy tacos: $2.00 w/coupon (Taco Bell/KFC)

Five Celebrities Who Wrote Me Back

Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
  1. H.R. Pufnstuf (1970)
  2. Tony the Tiger (1973)
  3. Santa (numerous)
  4. Gerald Ford (1975)
  5. Jonathan Richman (1988)

Five LPs the RCA Music Club Erroneously Sent to My House, 1978

Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
  1. The Beach Boys / Greatest Hits
  2. The Monkees / Greatest Hits
  3. KISS / Destroyer
  4. Peter Frampton / Comes Alive
  5. Dolly Parton / The Best of…

Five Actors I Constantly Confuse with One Another

Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
  1. Brian Dennehy
  2. Dolph Sweet
  3. Wilford Brimley
  4. Charles Durning
  5. That one guy who’s on Law & Order sometimes

Five Things You Might Want to Reconsider

Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
  1. Relining your own brakes
  2. Wearing that tube-top
  3. Ending your emails with “Cheers!”
  4. Naming the kid “Tyler”
  5. Watching that same “Friends” again

Five things Ozzy Osbourne would like you to do for him tonight

Monday, June 23rd, 2003
  1. Put your hands in the air!
  2. Go crazy!
  3. Make some noise!
  4. Put your hands in the fucking air!
  5. Clap them fucking hands!

Five Good Places to be Menaced by Bullies

Wednesday, June 18th, 2003
  1. Playground at recess
  2. That place in the woods where the bad kids smoke
  3. Behind the Burger Chef
  4. Parking lot of the skating rink
  5. At the mall, outside “Hoffritz for Cutlery”

Five terrible fake movies on Lifetime this week (and who each stars)

Wednesday, June 18th, 2003
  1. “Bring Back my Baby!” (Merdith Baxter)
  2. “Hey, That’s my Baby You’ve Got!” (Suzanne Somers)
  3. “Baby, Come Back” (Mariel Hemingway)
  4. “My Baby is Missing!” (Anne Heche)
  5. “Baby in a Tree: A True Story” (Mariette Hartley)