Five great reasons to buy a Hummer™

  1. You’ve been wanting to buy much wider groceries (but have been stymied by the timid width of your Escalade)
  2. You and your make-believe wife were thinking of having 11 or 12 imaginary kids
  3. You’re sick of always being the environment’s goddamned bitch
  4. You could totally put a keg back there and just drive around and shit
  5. They were all out of penises
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