Archive for April, 2004

Five terrible fake names for James Bond women

Friday, April 23rd, 2004
  1. Cunnalingua Fränka
  2. Bosomy Flava
  3. Badonka Donk
  4. Felacia Von Succulent
  5. Uterus Jones

Five favorite moments on a given commercial airline flight

Friday, April 23rd, 2004
  1. When the guy in the Delta pre-flight video blows lovingly into his inflatable vest
  2. When the tiny Maker’s Mark arrives
  3. When the portly guy in the next row who’s been “flying this route for thirty years” finally falls asleep
  4. When the second tiny Maker’s Mark arrives
  5. When the Drew Barrymore movie ends

Five excuses to get you out of work today

Friday, April 23rd, 2004
  1. You ate almost a quart of bad paella and have violent squirts
  2. You accidentally fell on a set of bicycle handlebars in the shower and will need a day to get them dislodged
  3. New Roman Catholic holiday: “The Festival of St. Malingerer”
  4. Your beloved burro, Henrietta, has died from the cancer
  5. You’re drunk on Jesus and don’t care who knows it

Five terrrible fake names for kung fu fighting styles

Friday, April 23rd, 2004
  1. The Dyspeptic Bridgekeeper
  2. The Whimsical Producer
  3. The Jonesing Junky
  4. The Elliptical Trainer
  5. The Dismissive Operator

Five folksy, context-free catch phrases you are encouraged to spread with friends and co-workers

Friday, April 23rd, 2004
  1. Brown dog got ass hairs, too
  2. You can’t cash an excuse
  3. Mama don’t like no Fritos in a bowl
  4. Now that’s a big monkey!
  5. Shittin’ on a dollar don’t make it a candy cane

Five people I’d like to see play Jesus in a hastily-devised network TV miniseries

Friday, April 23rd, 2004
  1. Gallagher
  2. Michael Madsen
  3. Mason Reese
  4. Mark E. Smith
  5. William “The Refrigerator” Perry

Five great things about southern Ohio

Friday, April 23rd, 2004
  1. You get a basement
  2. Everyone’s always apologizing
  3. King’s Island
  4. Great climbing trees
  5. It’s not Kentucky or Indiana

Five people who never got the chance to opine at length about Gmail

Friday, April 16th, 2004
  1. Edward Gibbon
  2. E.B. White
  3. Antonio Gramsci
  4. Walter Pater
  5. Theodor Adorno

Five great 45’s on the jukebox at New College (that I eventually got really sick of) (1989)

Friday, April 16th, 2004
  1. “Makes No Sense At All” / Hüsker Dü
  2. “You Got It” / Mudhoney
  3. “Brown Eyed Girl” / Van Morrison
  4. “Hot Rod Lincoln” / Commander Cody & His Lost Planet Airmen
  5. “Ring of Fire” / Wall of Voodoo

Five terrible fake AC/DC songs about how hard it is to be in a band

Friday, April 9th, 2004
  1. These Amps Ain’t Made of Candy Floss, ‘Guv
  2. Fuckin’ Olive Loaf Again
  3. Angus Drank (The Last Mountain Dew)
  4. (Almost Nothing) Rhymes with ‘Dynamite’
  5. These Knees Is Almost Fifty