Five things I’d ask every Supreme Court nominee if I sat on the Senate Judiciary Committee

  1. If you knew to an absolute moral certainty that you could capture and consume a live infant without being caught, how many do you suppose you could eat in a weekend?
  2. Have you ever been spanked erotically by someone who was not your current legal spouse? Just yes or no, please.
  3. Nominee, do you regard these slacks as accentuating my basket in an un-senatorial fashion?
  4. Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind about…your mother.
  5. Kindly rise, and sing the 1979 hit, The Piña Colada Song, also known as Escape.
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