Archive for the 'five things' Category

Five terrible fake Sylvester Stallone franchise revivals

Monday, January 28th, 2008
  1. Rambo V: Could You Repeat the Specials, Please?
  2. Increasingly Less Over the Top
  3. Tango & Cash II: Which One Am I Again?
  4. F.I.S.T.U.L.A.
  5. Rocky VII: Who Keeps Moving My Medicine?

Five presentation tips for delivering your Internet Manifesto

Sunday, January 27th, 2008
  1. talk through a vocoder, so maybe people will infer you’re a mean robot
  2. as you address your audience, consider stroking a cat or cleaning your mom’s rifle
  3. display tabular information about your perceived enemies in a large, readable typeface
  4. avoid contractions, so you’ll sound more like Vincent Price
  5. work the cravat

Five terrible fake names for villages in England

Friday, January 25th, 2008
  1. Fishpie-on-Porkstocking
  2. Poxham
  3. Monoclesfordington
  4. Mutton Moat Wood
  5. Penishire-on-Derbyhat

Five historical blog posts

Friday, January 25th, 2008
  1. Moses: Top 10 Bulletproof Tips for Not Pissing-off The Lord (2 tablets - reg req.)
  2. HOWTO: Some Guy Compares Thee to a Summer Day
  3. Crazy Italian Dude Totally Draws on Pope’s Ceiling (DIGG THIS!!!!)
  4. I CAN HAZ INVISIBLE THUMBSCREWZ? Top 50 LOLInquisiton Macros
  5. BOOBIES - Hot Naked Chick Horses Around Coventry [PICS!]

Five surprising things George Washington Carver made from peanuts

Friday, January 25th, 2008
  1. peanut-shaped peanut bowl made of peanut shells
  2. peanut surrey, drawn by two sweet potato horses
  3. Atari 2600
  4. peanut shuriken
  5. Side 2 of Boston’s Third Stage

Five legal concepts I’m pretty sure I first learned from watching The People’s Court

Friday, January 25th, 2008
  1. creating a bailment
  2. “meeting of the minds”
  3. in loco parentis
  4. “reasonable expectation of privacy”
  5. compulsory post-trial interview with effeminate scolding man

Five more terrible fake euphemisms for defecating (based on The Godfather series)

Monday, December 3rd, 2007
  1. Moving Klingman out
  2. Whacking Sollozzo
  3. Going fishing with Al
  4. Visiting Woltz
  5. Hiring Sophia

Five things I still don’t really understand

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007
  1. the International Date Line
  2. the Electoral College
  3. how my toilet works
  4. MMORPG
  5. “The Seduction Community”

Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering

Sunday, October 21st, 2007
  1. Sexy Prius
  2. Sexy Ahmadinejad
  3. Sexy Oncologist
  4. Sexy Alexander Pope
  5. Sexy Scented Candle

Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me

Thursday, October 18th, 2007
  1. “A Good Man is Hard to Find,” by Flannery O’Connor
  2. Les Chants de Maldoror by Comte de Lautréamont
  3. “The Call of Cthulhu” by H. P. Lovecraft
  4. À rebours by J.K. Huysmans
  5. Goodnight Moon, by Margaret Wise Brown

Five rejected Spice Girl personalities

Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
  1. Syphilitic Spice
  2. Phlegmatic Spice
  3. Rheumy Spice
  4. Contradictory Spice
  5. Emotionally-Unavailable Spice

Five phrases I often find disorienting

Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
  1. semi-boneless
  2. smooth jazz
  3. lucky sweatpants
  4. MySpace friend
  5. Microsoft fanboy

Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)

Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
  1. Dingell
  2. Boehner
  3. Sanchez
  4. Frank
  5. Craig

Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception

Tuesday, August 28th, 2007
  1. “When You Sleep” by My Bloody Valentine
  2. “Outdoor Miner” by Wire
  3. “Your Wedding” by Smog
  4. “Brand New Love” by Sebadoh
  5. “Make Out Club” by Unrest

Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007
  1. “Cellars Remorse” - home radon test
  2. “Squeak’n Cleen”- industrial degreasing agent
  3. OEM pre-need funeral plan
  4. “Ridi Pagliaccio” - pepper spray replacement cartridges
  5. “Kozy Komb Krabby Kitt” - economy-priced pubic louse removal pack

Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007
  1. World’s Greatest Lover
  2. Topic Expert
  3. Vatican Watcher
  4. Thought Leader
  5. Poet

Five things you might do with “all that ass”

Thursday, June 21st, 2007
  1. open a modest home ass business
  2. serve hot meals of ass to the less fortunate
  3. hold a weekend “Ass Sale” on your lawn
  4. make colorful ass gift bags for the holidays
  5. give sympathetic testimony for recovering hump drunks

Five things of which I will never tire

Thursday, June 21st, 2007
  1. chimps
  2. The Godfather, Part II
  3. lobster rolls
  4. nature shows involving predatory insects
  5. Glengarry Glen Ross

Five douchebag power tools

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
  1. heavily gelled comb-back
  2. omnipresent Bluetooth earpiece
  3. Radio Margaritaville
  4. the nickel tip
  5. frequent use of words “impactful” and “‘bro”

Five terrible fake reality TV shows

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
  1. Thoracic Surgery With the Stars
  2. Track, Destroy, and Consume Your New Mom
  3. Mormon Idol
  4. Survivor: Leaky Hot Air Balloon
  5. Gastroenterologist 911