Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering

October 21st, 2007
  1. Sexy Prius
  2. Sexy Ahmadinejad
  3. Sexy Oncologist
  4. Sexy Alexander Pope
  5. Sexy Scented Candle

Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me

October 18th, 2007
  1. “A Good Man is Hard to Find,” by Flannery O’Connor
  2. Les Chants de Maldoror by Comte de Lautréamont
  3. “The Call of Cthulhu” by H. P. Lovecraft
  4. À rebours by J.K. Huysmans
  5. Goodnight Moon, by Margaret Wise Brown

Five rejected Spice Girl personalities

October 9th, 2007
  1. Syphilitic Spice
  2. Phlegmatic Spice
  3. Rheumy Spice
  4. Contradictory Spice
  5. Emotionally-Unavailable Spice

Five phrases I often find disorienting

October 9th, 2007
  1. semi-boneless
  2. smooth jazz
  3. lucky sweatpants
  4. MySpace friend
  5. Microsoft fanboy

Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)

October 9th, 2007
  1. Dingell
  2. Boehner
  3. Sanchez
  4. Frank
  5. Craig

Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception

August 28th, 2007
  1. “When You Sleep” by My Bloody Valentine
  2. “Outdoor Miner” by Wire
  3. “Your Wedding” by Smog
  4. “Brand New Love” by Sebadoh
  5. “Make Out Club” by Unrest

Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally

June 26th, 2007
  1. “Cellars Remorse” - home radon test
  2. “Squeak’n Cleen”- industrial degreasing agent
  3. OEM pre-need funeral plan
  4. “Ridi Pagliaccio” - pepper spray replacement cartridges
  5. “Kozy Komb Krabby Kitt” - economy-priced pubic louse removal pack

Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself

June 26th, 2007
  1. World’s Greatest Lover
  2. Topic Expert
  3. Vatican Watcher
  4. Thought Leader
  5. Poet

Five things you might do with “all that ass”

June 21st, 2007
  1. open a modest home ass business
  2. serve hot meals of ass to the less fortunate
  3. hold a weekend “Ass Sale” on your lawn
  4. make colorful ass gift bags for the holidays
  5. give sympathetic testimony for recovering hump drunks

Five things of which I will never tire

June 21st, 2007
  1. chimps
  2. The Godfather, Part II
  3. lobster rolls
  4. nature shows involving predatory insects
  5. Glengarry Glen Ross

Five douchebag power tools

June 12th, 2007
  1. heavily gelled comb-back
  2. omnipresent Bluetooth earpiece
  3. Radio Margaritaville
  4. the nickel tip
  5. frequent use of words “impactful” and “‘bro”

Five terrible fake reality TV shows

June 12th, 2007
  1. Thoracic Surgery With the Stars
  2. Track, Destroy, and Consume Your New Mom
  3. Mormon Idol
  4. Survivor: Leaky Hot Air Balloon
  5. Gastroenterologist 911

Five Flickr sets that aren’t driving the long-term traffic you’d hoped for

June 12th, 2007
  1. “The Gates: An Essay in 5,200 Consecutive Photos”
  2. “My New Zune ‘Unboxing’”
  3. “Rhinoplasty Recovery, Day 5: Still All Purple”
  4. “Back Moles Resembling Notable Whigs”
  5. “Goatee Moods, Fall ‘04″

Five musical embellishments that should be used in moderation

June 12th, 2007
  1. the Leslie guitar effect
  2. the whole step key change on the last chorus
  3. the gong finale
  4. the “portamento” keyboard
  5. the vocoder introduction

Five creatures I would depict interacting with one other if I ran a “Creationism Museum”

May 29th, 2007
  1. sabre-toothed tiger
  2. Captain Crunch
  3. John the Baptist
  4. dwarf panda
  5. Casey Kasem

Five songs to which I have a very clear recollection of french kissing in the 1980s

May 29th, 2007
  1. “Feeling That Way” by Journey
  2. “Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin
  3. “You Spin Me Round” by Dead or Alive
  4. “Leave Me Alone” by New Order
  5. “Caravan” by Van Morrison

Five tastes of childhood with which I’ve recently and happily re-acquainted myself

May 29th, 2007
  1. Kraft Catalina salad dressing
  2. Sprite
  3. Concord Grape jam
  4. Eggo toaster waffles
  5. Stove-top Stuffing (Chicken flavor)

Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit

May 29th, 2007
  1. Performance
  2. Excellence
  3. Mission Statement
  4. Synergy
  5. Enterprise

Five Flickr comments left on the latest self-portrait of you staring slightly off-camera with your mouth open

April 5th, 2007
  1. “Stunning”
  2. “You are a very beautiful young lady”
  3. “Please move to MY town! LOL!”
  4. “I love the color of your eyes”
  5. “Do you have a sister? Just kidding. Ha ha ha. ;-)”

Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”

April 5th, 2007
  1. your sideboard
  2. your clergyman
  3. your thoughts on transubstantiation
  4. your hypothalamus
  5. your ranch dressing mix