Five “Web 2.0″ ways to break up with your boyfriend

  1. add unflattering Flickr tag, “Fat asshole with a unibrow”
  2. change Facebook status to “He’s literally dead to me”
  3. web widget counts up days since your last climax (currently: “193”)
  4. share Zoho spreadsheet to split up MySpace friends
  5. decline to participate in Series B round of affection
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Five terrible fake astronomical pickup lines

  1. Ever wonder what’s happening under Orion’s belt?
  2. Hop in my van, and I’ll show you something else that’s constantly expanding.
  3. Was Democritus the first one to postulate your mysterious Milky Way?
  4. I’d like to Sagittarius your Pisces, and that’s no Taurus.
  5. How about we go outside and discover Uranus?
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Five rejected names for “Cooter” on The Dukes of Hazzard

  1. Daniel Poon
  2. Mr. Strange
  3. Steve the Sleeve
  4. Snatch Adams
  5. Ol’ Vag
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Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you

  1. gently enquires as to where you like to put the turkey baster
  2. repeatedly offers to demonstrate “how Blighty squeezes the lemonade”
  3. stands in your front yard, pants-less and swinging a garden hose in lazy figure-eights
  4. makes rapid “milking a cow” gesture while screaming something incoherent about Robert Johnson
  5. drops his semi-erect penis onto your dessert plate
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Five more terrible fake reality TV shows

  1. Are You Smarter Than an Ottoman?
  2. Project Segway
  3. Would You Eat This for Money?
  4. America’s Next Top Preclear
  5. Who Wants to Be a Cultural Footnote?
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Five subtle changes in the event that Microsoft acquires Yahoo!

  1. your Flickr.com photos are still your own (although human faces are now obscured by selected partner company logos)
  2. owing to unavoidable data corruption, all Upcoming.org events must be reinstalled monthly
  3. following upgrade to Vista, clicking del.icio.us links now requires 1 GB of RAM and 40 GB drive space (per link)
  4. Jerry Yang now compelled to “do that funny MC Hammer dance” whenever Ballmer’s meds start wearing off
  5. folksy motto tweaked to “If You Ever Want to See That Pretty Family of Yours Again, You Damned Straight Better Fucking Yahoo!
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Five names you can belch

  1. Frank Black
  2. Bob Hodgkins
  3. Barack Obama
  4. Ponce De Leon
  5. John Hodgman
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Five ways Angelina Jolie can quickly acquire more children

  1. gestate auxiliary sets of twins in climate-controlled Fendi bags
  2. make Brad build a big-ass gingerbread house
  3. explore viability of controversial “dorsal carriage” (a/k/a “butt fetus”)
  4. surreptitiously cruise Gymboree with mallet and a sack
  5. lay excess eggs in what’s left of Sean Young
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Five ways you’re unleashing the power of your blog

  1. tearing the veil away from the morally bankrupt raincheck policy at Marshall’s
  2. “crowdsourcing” the naming of your new unicycle
  3. taking a symbolic day off from blogging to protest the unjust treatment of “some Oriental dude” you read about on Slashdot
  4. daring to name names in the “personal holocaust of customer service” you recently suffered at Fry’s
  5. funny new snapshot of your kitty, “Warrant Officer Ripley,” acting like she’s people
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Five terrible fake Sylvester Stallone franchise revivals

  1. Rambo V: Could You Repeat the Specials, Please?
  2. Increasingly Less Over the Top
  3. Tango & Cash II: Which One Am I Again?
  4. F.I.S.T.U.L.A.
  5. Rocky VII: Who Keeps Moving My Medicine?
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Five presentation tips for delivering your Internet Manifesto

  1. talk through a vocoder, so maybe people will infer you’re a mean robot
  2. as you address your audience, consider stroking a cat or cleaning your mom’s rifle
  3. display tabular information about your perceived enemies in a large, readable typeface
  4. avoid contractions, so you’ll sound more like Vincent Price
  5. work the cravat
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Five terrible fake names for villages in England

  1. Fishpie-on-Porkstocking
  2. Poxham
  3. Monoclesfordington
  4. Mutton Moat Wood
  5. Penishire-on-Derbyhat
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Five historical blog posts

  1. Moses: Top 10 Bulletproof Tips for Not Pissing-off The Lord (2 tablets – reg req.)
  2. HOWTO: Some Guy Compares Thee to a Summer Day
  3. Crazy Italian Dude Totally Draws on Pope’s Ceiling (DIGG THIS!!!!)
  4. I CAN HAZ INVISIBLE THUMBSCREWZ? Top 50 LOLInquisiton Macros
  5. BOOBIES – Hot Naked Chick Horses Around Coventry [PICS!]
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Five surprising things George Washington Carver made from peanuts

  1. peanut-shaped peanut bowl made of peanut shells
  2. peanut surrey, drawn by two sweet potato horses
  3. Atari 2600
  4. peanut shuriken
  5. Side 2 of Boston’s Third Stage
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Five legal concepts I’m pretty sure I first learned from watching The People’s Court

  1. creating a bailment
  2. “meeting of the minds”
  3. in loco parentis
  4. “reasonable expectation of privacy”
  5. compulsory post-trial interview with effeminate scolding man
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Five more terrible fake euphemisms for defecating (based on The Godfather series)

  1. Moving Klingman out
  2. Whacking Sollozzo
  3. Going fishing with Al
  4. Visiting Woltz
  5. Hiring Sophia
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Five things I still don’t really understand

  1. the International Date Line
  2. the Electoral College
  3. how my toilet works
  4. MMORPG
  5. “The Seduction Community”
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Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering

  1. Sexy Prius
  2. Sexy Ahmadinejad
  3. Sexy Oncologist
  4. Sexy Alexander Pope
  5. Sexy Scented Candle
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Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me

  1. “A Good Man is Hard to Find,” by Flannery O’Connor
  2. Les Chants de Maldoror by Comte de Lautréamont
  3. “The Call of Cthulhu” by H. P. Lovecraft
  4. À rebours by J.K. Huysmans
  5. Goodnight Moon, by Margaret Wise Brown
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Five rejected Spice Girl personalities

  1. Syphilitic Spice
  2. Phlegmatic Spice
  3. Rheumy Spice
  4. Contradictory Spice
  5. Emotionally-Unavailable Spice
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Five phrases I often find disorienting

  1. semi-boneless
  2. smooth jazz
  3. lucky sweatpants
  4. MySpace friend
  5. Microsoft fanboy
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Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)

  1. Dingell
  2. Boehner
  3. Sanchez
  4. Frank
  5. Craig
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Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception

  1. “When You Sleep” by My Bloody Valentine
  2. “Outdoor Miner” by Wire
  3. “Your Wedding” by Smog
  4. “Brand New Love” by Sebadoh
  5. “Make Out Club” by Unrest
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Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally

  1. “Cellars Remorse” – home radon test
  2. “Squeak’n Cleen”- industrial degreasing agent
  3. OEM pre-need funeral plan
  4. “Ridi Pagliaccio” – pepper spray replacement cartridges
  5. “Kozy Komb Krabby Kitt” – economy-priced pubic louse removal pack
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Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself

  1. World’s Greatest Lover
  2. Topic Expert
  3. Vatican Watcher
  4. Thought Leader
  5. Poet
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Five things you might do with “all that ass”

  1. open a modest home ass business
  2. serve hot meals of ass to the less fortunate
  3. hold a weekend “Ass Sale” on your lawn
  4. make colorful ass gift bags for the holidays
  5. give sympathetic testimony for recovering hump drunks
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Five things of which I will never tire

  1. chimps
  2. The Godfather, Part II
  3. lobster rolls
  4. nature shows involving predatory insects
  5. Glengarry Glen Ross
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Five douchebag power tools

  1. heavily gelled comb-back
  2. omnipresent Bluetooth earpiece
  3. Radio Margaritaville
  4. the nickel tip
  5. frequent use of words “impactful” and “‘bro”
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Five terrible fake reality TV shows

  1. Thoracic Surgery With the Stars
  2. Track, Destroy, and Consume Your New Mom
  3. Mormon Idol
  4. Survivor: Leaky Hot Air Balloon
  5. Gastroenterologist 911
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Five Flickr sets that aren’t driving the long-term traffic you’d hoped for

  1. “The Gates: An Essay in 5,200 Consecutive Photos”
  2. “My New Zune ‘Unboxing'”
  3. “Rhinoplasty Recovery, Day 5: Still All Purple”
  4. “Back Moles Resembling Notable Whigs”
  5. “Goatee Moods, Fall ’04”
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