Five ways Angelina Jolie can quickly acquire more children

  1. gestate auxiliary sets of twins in climate-controlled Fendi bags
  2. make Brad build a big-ass gingerbread house
  3. explore viability of controversial “dorsal carriage” (a/k/a “butt fetus”)
  4. surreptitiously cruise Gymboree with mallet and a sack
  5. lay excess eggs in what’s left of Sean Young
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Five ways you’re unleashing the power of your blog

  1. tearing the veil away from the morally bankrupt raincheck policy at Marshall’s
  2. “crowdsourcing” the naming of your new unicycle
  3. taking a symbolic day off from blogging to protest the unjust treatment of “some Oriental dude” you read about on Slashdot
  4. daring to name names in the “personal holocaust of customer service” you recently suffered at Fry’s
  5. funny new snapshot of your kitty, “Warrant Officer Ripley,” acting like she’s people
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Five terrible fake Sylvester Stallone franchise revivals

  1. Rambo V: Could You Repeat the Specials, Please?
  2. Increasingly Less Over the Top
  3. Tango & Cash II: Which One Am I Again?
  4. F.I.S.T.U.L.A.
  5. Rocky VII: Who Keeps Moving My Medicine?
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Five presentation tips for delivering your Internet Manifesto

  1. talk through a vocoder, so maybe people will infer you’re a mean robot
  2. as you address your audience, consider stroking a cat or cleaning your mom’s rifle
  3. display tabular information about your perceived enemies in a large, readable typeface
  4. avoid contractions, so you’ll sound more like Vincent Price
  5. work the cravat
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Five terrible fake names for villages in England

  1. Fishpie-on-Porkstocking
  2. Poxham
  3. Monoclesfordington
  4. Mutton Moat Wood
  5. Penishire-on-Derbyhat
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Five historical blog posts

  1. Moses: Top 10 Bulletproof Tips for Not Pissing-off The Lord (2 tablets – reg req.)
  2. HOWTO: Some Guy Compares Thee to a Summer Day
  3. Crazy Italian Dude Totally Draws on Pope’s Ceiling (DIGG THIS!!!!)
  4. I CAN HAZ INVISIBLE THUMBSCREWZ? Top 50 LOLInquisiton Macros
  5. BOOBIES – Hot Naked Chick Horses Around Coventry [PICS!]
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Five surprising things George Washington Carver made from peanuts

  1. peanut-shaped peanut bowl made of peanut shells
  2. peanut surrey, drawn by two sweet potato horses
  3. Atari 2600
  4. peanut shuriken
  5. Side 2 of Boston’s Third Stage
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Five legal concepts I’m pretty sure I first learned from watching The People’s Court

  1. creating a bailment
  2. “meeting of the minds”
  3. in loco parentis
  4. “reasonable expectation of privacy”
  5. compulsory post-trial interview with effeminate scolding man
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Five more terrible fake euphemisms for defecating (based on The Godfather series)

  1. Moving Klingman out
  2. Whacking Sollozzo
  3. Going fishing with Al
  4. Visiting Woltz
  5. Hiring Sophia
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Five things I still don’t really understand

  1. the International Date Line
  2. the Electoral College
  3. how my toilet works
  4. MMORPG
  5. “The Seduction Community”
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Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering

  1. Sexy Prius
  2. Sexy Ahmadinejad
  3. Sexy Oncologist
  4. Sexy Alexander Pope
  5. Sexy Scented Candle
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Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me

  1. “A Good Man is Hard to Find,” by Flannery O’Connor
  2. Les Chants de Maldoror by Comte de Lautréamont
  3. “The Call of Cthulhu” by H. P. Lovecraft
  4. À rebours by J.K. Huysmans
  5. Goodnight Moon, by Margaret Wise Brown
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Five rejected Spice Girl personalities

  1. Syphilitic Spice
  2. Phlegmatic Spice
  3. Rheumy Spice
  4. Contradictory Spice
  5. Emotionally-Unavailable Spice
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Five phrases I often find disorienting

  1. semi-boneless
  2. smooth jazz
  3. lucky sweatpants
  4. MySpace friend
  5. Microsoft fanboy
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Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)

  1. Dingell
  2. Boehner
  3. Sanchez
  4. Frank
  5. Craig
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Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception

  1. “When You Sleep” by My Bloody Valentine
  2. “Outdoor Miner” by Wire
  3. “Your Wedding” by Smog
  4. “Brand New Love” by Sebadoh
  5. “Make Out Club” by Unrest
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Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally

  1. “Cellars Remorse” – home radon test
  2. “Squeak’n Cleen”- industrial degreasing agent
  3. OEM pre-need funeral plan
  4. “Ridi Pagliaccio” – pepper spray replacement cartridges
  5. “Kozy Komb Krabby Kitt” – economy-priced pubic louse removal pack
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Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself

  1. World’s Greatest Lover
  2. Topic Expert
  3. Vatican Watcher
  4. Thought Leader
  5. Poet
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Five things you might do with “all that ass”

  1. open a modest home ass business
  2. serve hot meals of ass to the less fortunate
  3. hold a weekend “Ass Sale” on your lawn
  4. make colorful ass gift bags for the holidays
  5. give sympathetic testimony for recovering hump drunks
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Five things of which I will never tire

  1. chimps
  2. The Godfather, Part II
  3. lobster rolls
  4. nature shows involving predatory insects
  5. Glengarry Glen Ross
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Five douchebag power tools

  1. heavily gelled comb-back
  2. omnipresent Bluetooth earpiece
  3. Radio Margaritaville
  4. the nickel tip
  5. frequent use of words “impactful” and “‘bro”
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Five terrible fake reality TV shows

  1. Thoracic Surgery With the Stars
  2. Track, Destroy, and Consume Your New Mom
  3. Mormon Idol
  4. Survivor: Leaky Hot Air Balloon
  5. Gastroenterologist 911
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Five Flickr sets that aren’t driving the long-term traffic you’d hoped for

  1. “The Gates: An Essay in 5,200 Consecutive Photos”
  2. “My New Zune ‘Unboxing’”
  3. “Rhinoplasty Recovery, Day 5: Still All Purple”
  4. “Back Moles Resembling Notable Whigs”
  5. “Goatee Moods, Fall ’04″
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Five musical embellishments that should be used in moderation

  1. the Leslie guitar effect
  2. the whole step key change on the last chorus
  3. the gong finale
  4. the “portamento” keyboard
  5. the vocoder introduction
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Five creatures I would depict interacting with one other if I ran a “Creationism Museum”

  1. sabre-toothed tiger
  2. Captain Crunch
  3. John the Baptist
  4. dwarf panda
  5. Casey Kasem
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Five songs to which I have a very clear recollection of french kissing in the 1980s

  1. “Feeling That Way” by Journey
  2. “Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin
  3. “You Spin Me Round” by Dead or Alive
  4. “Leave Me Alone” by New Order
  5. “Caravan” by Van Morrison
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Five tastes of childhood with which I’ve recently and happily re-acquainted myself

  1. Kraft Catalina salad dressing
  2. Sprite
  3. Concord Grape jam
  4. Eggo toaster waffles
  5. Stove-top Stuffing (Chicken flavor)
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Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit

  1. Performance
  2. Excellence
  3. Mission Statement
  4. Synergy
  5. Enterprise
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Five Flickr comments left on the latest self-portrait of you staring slightly off-camera with your mouth open

  1. “Stunning”
  2. “You are a very beautiful young lady”
  3. “Please move to MY town! LOL!”
  4. “I love the color of your eyes”
  5. “Do you have a sister? Just kidding. Ha ha ha. ;-)”
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Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”

  1. your sideboard
  2. your clergyman
  3. your thoughts on transubstantiation
  4. your hypothalamus
  5. your ranch dressing mix
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