- gestate auxiliary sets of twins in climate-controlled Fendi bags
- make Brad build a big-ass gingerbread house
- explore viability of controversial “dorsal carriage” (a/k/a “butt fetus”)
- surreptitiously cruise Gymboree with mallet and a sack
- lay excess eggs in what’s left of Sean Young
- tearing the veil away from the morally bankrupt raincheck policy at Marshall’s
- “crowdsourcing” the naming of your new unicycle
- taking a symbolic day off from blogging to protest the unjust treatment of “some Oriental dude” you read about on Slashdot
- daring to name names in the “personal holocaust of customer service” you recently suffered at Fry’s
- funny new snapshot of your kitty, “Warrant Officer Ripley,” acting like she’s people
- Rambo V: Could You Repeat the Specials, Please?
- Increasingly Less Over the Top
- Tango & Cash II: Which One Am I Again?
- F.I.S.T.U.L.A.
- Rocky VII: Who Keeps Moving My Medicine?
- talk through a vocoder, so maybe people will infer you’re a mean robot
- as you address your audience, consider stroking a cat or cleaning your mom’s rifle
- display tabular information about your perceived enemies in a large, readable typeface
- avoid contractions, so you’ll sound more like Vincent Price
- work the cravat
- Fishpie-on-Porkstocking
- Poxham
- Monoclesfordington
- Mutton Moat Wood
- Penishire-on-Derbyhat
- Moses: Top 10 Bulletproof Tips for Not Pissing-off The Lord (2 tablets – reg req.)
- HOWTO: Some Guy Compares Thee to a Summer Day
- Crazy Italian Dude Totally Draws on Pope’s Ceiling (DIGG THIS!!!!)
- I CAN HAZ INVISIBLE THUMBSCREWZ? Top 50 LOLInquisiton Macros
- BOOBIES – Hot Naked Chick Horses Around Coventry [PICS!]
- peanut-shaped peanut bowl made of peanut shells
- peanut surrey, drawn by two sweet potato horses
- Atari 2600
- peanut shuriken
- Side 2 of Boston’s Third Stage
- creating a bailment
- “meeting of the minds”
- in loco parentis
- “reasonable expectation of privacy”
- compulsory post-trial interview with effeminate scolding man
- Moving Klingman out
- Whacking Sollozzo
- Going fishing with Al
- Visiting Woltz
- Hiring Sophia
- the International Date Line
- the Electoral College
- how my toilet works
- MMORPG
- “The Seduction Community”
- Sexy Prius
- Sexy Ahmadinejad
- Sexy Oncologist
- Sexy Alexander Pope
- Sexy Scented Candle
- “A Good Man is Hard to Find,” by Flannery O’Connor
- Les Chants de Maldoror by Comte de Lautréamont
- “The Call of Cthulhu” by H. P. Lovecraft
- À rebours by J.K. Huysmans
- Goodnight Moon, by Margaret Wise Brown
- Syphilitic Spice
- Phlegmatic Spice
- Rheumy Spice
- Contradictory Spice
- Emotionally-Unavailable Spice
- semi-boneless
- smooth jazz
- lucky sweatpants
- MySpace friend
- Microsoft fanboy
- Dingell
- Boehner
- Sanchez
- Frank
- Craig
- “When You Sleep” by My Bloody Valentine
- “Outdoor Miner” by Wire
- “Your Wedding” by Smog
- “Brand New Love” by Sebadoh
- “Make Out Club” by Unrest
- “Cellars Remorse” – home radon test
- “Squeak’n Cleen”- industrial degreasing agent
- OEM pre-need funeral plan
- “Ridi Pagliaccio” – pepper spray replacement cartridges
- “Kozy Komb Krabby Kitt” – economy-priced pubic louse removal pack
- World’s Greatest Lover
- Topic Expert
- Vatican Watcher
- Thought Leader
- Poet
- open a modest home ass business
- serve hot meals of ass to the less fortunate
- hold a weekend “Ass Sale” on your lawn
- make colorful ass gift bags for the holidays
- give sympathetic testimony for recovering hump drunks
- chimps
- The Godfather, Part II
- lobster rolls
- nature shows involving predatory insects
- Glengarry Glen Ross
- heavily gelled comb-back
- omnipresent Bluetooth earpiece
- Radio Margaritaville
- the nickel tip
- frequent use of words “impactful” and “‘bro”
- Thoracic Surgery With the Stars
- Track, Destroy, and Consume Your New Mom
- Mormon Idol
- Survivor: Leaky Hot Air Balloon
- Gastroenterologist 911
- “The Gates: An Essay in 5,200 Consecutive Photos”
- “My New Zune ‘Unboxing’”
- “Rhinoplasty Recovery, Day 5: Still All Purple”
- “Back Moles Resembling Notable Whigs”
- “Goatee Moods, Fall ’04″
- the Leslie guitar effect
- the whole step key change on the last chorus
- the gong finale
- the “portamento” keyboard
- the vocoder introduction
- sabre-toothed tiger
- Captain Crunch
- John the Baptist
- dwarf panda
- Casey Kasem
- “Feeling That Way” by Journey
- “Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin
- “You Spin Me Round” by Dead or Alive
- “Leave Me Alone” by New Order
- “Caravan” by Van Morrison
- Kraft Catalina salad dressing
- Sprite
- Concord Grape jam
- Eggo toaster waffles
- Stove-top Stuffing (Chicken flavor)
- Performance
- Excellence
- Mission Statement
- Synergy
- Enterprise
- “Stunning”
- “You are a very beautiful young lady”
- “Please move to MY town! LOL!”
- “I love the color of your eyes”
- “Do you have a sister? Just kidding. Ha ha ha. ;-)”
- your sideboard
- your clergyman
- your thoughts on transubstantiation
- your hypothalamus
- your ranch dressing mix