Five Flickr sets that aren’t driving the long-term traffic you’d hoped for

1. “The Gates: An Essay in 5,200 Consecutive Photos”
1. “My New Zune ‘Unboxing'”
1. “Rhinoplasty Recovery, Day 5: Still All Purple”
1. “Back Moles Resembling Notable Whigs”
1. “Goatee Moods, Fall ’04”

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Five musical embellishments that should be used in moderation

1. the Leslie guitar effect
1. the whole step key change on the last chorus
1. the gong finale
1. the “portamento” keyboard
1. the vocoder introduction

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Five creatures I would depict interacting with one other if I ran a “Creationism Museum”

1. sabre-toothed tiger
1. Captain Crunch
1. John the Baptist
1. dwarf panda
1. Casey Kasem

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Five songs to which I have a very clear recollection of french kissing in the 1980s

1. “Feeling That Way” by Journey
1. “Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin
1. “You Spin Me Round” by Dead or Alive
1. “Leave Me Alone” by New Order
1. “Caravan” by Van Morrison

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Five tastes of childhood with which I’ve recently and happily re-acquainted myself

1. Kraft Catalina salad dressing
1. Sprite
1. Concord Grape jam
1. Eggo toaster waffles
1. Stove-top Stuffing (Chicken flavor)

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Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit

1. Performance
1. Excellence
1. Mission Statement
1. Synergy
1. Enterprise

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Five Flickr comments left on the latest self-portrait of you staring slightly off-camera with your mouth open

1. “Stunning”
1. “You are a very beautiful young lady”
1. “Please move to MY town! LOL!”
1. “I love the color of your eyes”
1. “Do you have a sister? Just kidding. Ha ha ha. ;-)”

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Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”

1. your sideboard
1. your clergyman
1. your thoughts on transubstantiation
1. your hypothalamus
1. your ranch dressing mix

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Five early 80s albums that are better than you probably remember

1. _Working Class Dog_ by Rick Springfield
1. _Spring Session M_ by Missing Persons
1. _Too-Rye-Ay_ by Dexy’s Midnight Runners
1. _The Crossing_ by Big Country
1. _Candy-O_ by The Cars

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Five songs I’d enjoy hearing Tom Waits cover

1. “Fade to Black” by Metallica
1. “Is That Love?” by Squeeze
1. The Star-Spangled Banner
1. “Model Man” by King Crimson
1. “Theme from _Laverne & Shirley_”

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Five recent makebelieve Canadian girlfriends

1. Tricia Helfer
1. Evangeline Lilly
1. Molly Parker
1. Leslie Feist
1. Joni Mitchell

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Five favorite Hee Haw performers

1. Roy Clark
1. Junior Samples
1. Grandpa Jones
1. the cartoon donkey
1. Cathy Baker

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Five hip-hop pseudonyms I’ve considered for myself

1. MC Chalk (because I’m brittle and very white)
3. Professor Adipose
1. Tavis D
1. Sedentary Larry
2. 2 Weak

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Five nouns to which I enjoy prepending an unnecessary definite article

1. The Flickr
1. The AIM
1. The Jesus
1. The Google
1. The El Niño

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Five potentially novel new year’s resolutions

1. authentically behave as though you’re living in an unending Ronnie James Dio song
1. renounce thermodynamics as prideful conceit borne of modern secular culture
1. eat only animals that have appeared in Richard Scarry illustrations
1. lick unused cutlery whenever people aren’t looking
1. finally finish building backyard shrine to Karen Black

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Five nicknames I would find unbearable

1. Li’l Plug
1. Baloney Maurice
1. Chicken Hitler
1. Penis McGarnicle
1. Nacho

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Five favorite words I learned last year

1. shockmount
1. ouroboros
1. catastrophization
1. peloton
1. katoptronophilia

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Five albums I was listening to when I moved to San Francisco (seven years ago today)

1. The Minders / *Cul-de-Sacs & Dead Ends*
1. Basement Jaxx / *Remedy*
1. Air / *Premiers Symptomes*
1. Death Cab for Cutie / _Something About Airplanes_
1. Chemical Brothers / _Dig Your Own Hole_

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Five ideas I’ve had for family theme restaurants

1. **B.F. Skinner’s Original Stuffers** – The poultry skin of your choosing is stuffed with *a la carte* selections from “th’ fixin’s bar,” deep fried to a golden brown, and served with your choice of fun “Dippin'” sauces.
1. **Bobby B. Butterworth’s Old Fashioned Dairy Funshack** – A frozen quarterpound stick of salted creamery butter is hand-battered, “flash fried,” and served with your choice of fun “Dippin'” sauces.
1. **Long John Silvers’ “Dripper” Hut** – Offshoot of the fast-food seafood franchise offers “mini-buckets” of their leftover fried shortening flecks, served with your choice of fun “Dippin'” sauces.
1. **Mouth Meat Mel’s** – 450º pizza — sure to immediately scald the roof of your mouth — is served with your choice of fun “Dippin'” sauces. (note: first-time members of “The Mel’s Mouth Meat Makers” receive a colorful “_I damaged the delicate tissues of my mouth at Mel’s!_” adhesive ribbon)
1. **Dippin’ Dippin’ Dippin’!** – The “Dippin'” sauce of your choice is served with your choice of fun “Dippin'” sauces.

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Five Halloween safety tips

1. For large groups of trick-or-treaters, always set at least one child ablaze, ensuring enough light that other children won’t trip over uneven pavement.
1. Only separate shards of X-Acto blades from rodent poison _once you get home_; doing so in the dark will lead to inevitable mixups and tummyaches for youngsters with allergies.
1. If a home has its porch light off — but an expressionless face can be seen peering from a cellar window — consider limiting your child’s unattended visit with the resident to no more than four hours.
1. If a close-fitting mask causes your child to fall down a well, use fishing line and a paper clip to retrieve her goodie bag. _Nobody likes wet candy._
1. Although children dressed as SS-Sturmbannführer Michael Lippert are not _required_ to “pretend execute” children dressed as Ernst Röhm, many parents find this bit of theatricality kindles the spirit that makes Halloween such a delight.

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Five owners of ambitious combovers

1. Zero Mostel
1. Gene Hackman (retired)
1. Donald Trump
1. that Chinese guy I always see on MUNI
1. Rudy Guiliani (retired)

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Five terrible fake pledge-week specials on PBS

1. Surviving members of *every* 50s doo-wop band fight to the death with clubs — shirtless and totally coked-up — in massive Thunderdome-like arena
1. cast of Monty Python comments on previous pledge-season Python commentaries (available on DVD for one-time $200 donation)
1. Gwen Ifill leads a group of American schoolchildren on a field trip to the Beijing factory where your tote bag was manufactured
1. Suze Orman and Johnny Knoxville kick each other in the genitals for 90 minutes
1. _Antiques Roadshow_ guests offered immediate cash on the barrel-head; provided they can eat their entire antique in three minutes

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Five phrases you may substitute if you are intimidated by overt swearing

1. brassel frassel
1. futza mucker
1. cockle spoker
1. snaggle brassa
1. sacka liquor

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Five possible signs your congressman thinks your teenaged son is hot

1. mysterious dinnertime calls from “underwear police” reveal Capitol Hill area code
1. last-minute codicil of House highway bill briefly renames your town “Jimmy’s Erectionville”
1. “official” email invitation to congressional lap-sitting session clearly comes from AOL address
1. extravagant gift of gladiator movie box-set personally delivered by Rep (perspiring in full gladiator costume)
1. interest in son’s education seems limited to repeated insistence he read _Death in Venice_

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Five things you did while MySpace was down

1. repeatedly checked progress of floppy emo forelock
1. wrote lengthy longhand list of “friends”; “de-friended” each by means of vigorous horizontal pen strokes
1. idly doodled “_Dr. and Mrs. Good Charlotte_” in margins of your Consumer Math book
1. cutting — again with the cutting
1. imagined own funeral (and how sad and sorry everyone will be)

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Five groups, apart from “women and children,” who should get to leave a sinking ship first

1. people who always use turn signals
1. persons who have never purchased a greeting card
1. Broken Social Scene
1. everyone who can and does continue to publicly breakdance
1. un-ironic wearers of suspenders

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Five persons who will eventually appear in every rock documentary

1. Thurston Moore
1. Joe Perry
1. Henry Rollins
1. Flea
1. Chuck Klosterman

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Five excellent Iron Maiden songs (and what each is ostensibly about)

1. “Flight of Icarus” – Greek myth of Daedalus, Icarus, and the wax wings they made
1. “Aces High” – Battle of Britain (1940)
1. “Run to the Hills” – US destroying Native American life and culture (1800s)
1. “The Trooper” – Battle of Balaclava (1854)
1. “The Number of the Beast” – _Damien: Omen II_ (1978)

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Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates

1. getting decent disability insurance
1. rum allergies
1. sexual harassment from that fancy new bosun
1. irritable bowel syndrome
1. finding one-legged pants that won’t make your hips look too broad

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Five people who are much more enjoyable if you imagine them as pro wrestlers

1. Ann Coulter
1. John C. Dvorak
1. Donald Trump
1. John Stossel
1. Tony Robbins

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