5ives

authentically behave as though you’re living in an unending Ronnie James Dio song
renounce thermodynamics as prideful conceit borne of modern secular culture
eat only animals that have appeared in Richard Scarry illustrations
lick unused cutlery whenever people aren’t looking
finally finish building backyard shrine to Karen Black

Five nicknames I would find unbearable

January 13th, 2007

January 13th, 2007

November 16th, 2006

November 13th, 2006

B.F. Skinner’s Original Stuffers - The poultry skin of your choosing is stuffed with a la carte selections from “th’ fixin’s bar,” deep fried to a golden brown, and served with your choice of fun “Dippin’” sauces.
Bobby B. Butterworth’s Old Fashioned Dairy Funshack - A frozen quarterpound stick of salted creamery butter is hand-battered, “flash fried,” and served with your choice of fun “Dippin’” sauces.
Long John Silvers’ “Dripper” Hut - Offshoot of the fast-food seafood franchise offers “mini-buckets” of their leftover fried shortening flecks, served with your choice of fun “Dippin’” sauces.
Mouth Meat Mel’s - 450º pizza — sure to immediately scald the roof of your mouth — is served with your choice of fun “Dippin’” sauces. (note: first-time members of “The Mel’s Mouth Meat Makers” receive a colorful “I damaged the delicate tissues of my mouth at Mel’s!” adhesive ribbon)
Dippin’ Dippin’ Dippin’! - The “Dippin’” sauce of your choice is served with your choice of fun “Dippin’” sauces.

October 23rd, 2006

For large groups of trick-or-treaters, always set at least one child ablaze, ensuring enough light that other children won’t trip over uneven pavement.
Only separate shards of X-Acto blades from rodent poison once you get home; doing so in the dark will lead to inevitable mixups and tummyaches for youngsters with allergies.
If a home has its porch light off — but an expressionless face can be seen peering from a cellar window — consider limiting your child’s unattended visit with the resident to no more than four hours.
If a close-fitting mask causes your child to fall down a well, use fishing line and a paper clip to retrieve her goodie bag. Nobody likes wet candy.
Although children dressed as SS-Sturmbannführer Michael Lippert are not required to “pretend execute” children dressed as Ernst Röhm, many parents find this bit of theatricality kindles the spirit that makes Halloween such a delight.

October 23rd, 2006

October 23rd, 2006

Surviving members of every 50s doo-wop band fight to the death with clubs — shirtless and totally coked-up — in massive Thunderdome-like arena
cast of Monty Python comments on previous pledge-season Python commentaries (available on DVD for one-time $200 donation)
Gwen Ifill leads a group of American schoolchildren on a field trip to the Beijing factory where your tote bag was manufactured
Suze Orman and Johnny Knoxville kick each other in the genitals for 90 minutes
Antiques Roadshow guests offered immediate cash on the barrel-head; provided they can eat their entire antique in three minutes

October 23rd, 2006

October 11th, 2006

mysterious dinnertime calls from “underwear police” reveal Capitol Hill area code
last-minute codicil of House highway bill briefly renames your town “Jimmy’s Erectionville”
“official” email invitation to congressional lap-sitting session clearly comes from AOL address
extravagant gift of gladiator movie box-set personally delivered by Rep (perspiring in full gladiator costume)
interest in son’s education seems limited to repeated insistence he read Death in Venice

October 11th, 2006

repeatedly checked progress of floppy emo forelock
wrote lengthy longhand list of “friends”; “de-friended” each by means of vigorous horizontal pen strokes
idly doodled “Dr. and Mrs. Good Charlotte” in margins of your Consumer Math book
cutting — again with the cutting
imagined own funeral (and how sad and sorry everyone will be)

October 11th, 2006

October 11th, 2006

October 11th, 2006

“Flight of Icarus” - Greek myth of Daedalus, Icarus, and the wax wings they made
“Aces High” - Battle of Britain (1940)
“Run to the Hills” - US destroying Native American life and culture (1800s)
“The Trooper” - Battle of Balaclava (1854)
“The Number of the Beast” - Damien: Omen II (1978)