Five markings I think I’d enjoy having on my grave

1. Often Punctual
1. Half-Assing’s King
1. So Hated Meetings
1. Largely Tolerated by Friends
1. Eventually Less Annoying Than in High School

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Five TV shows I’ll bet you don’t remember

1. Q.E.D.
1. Sword of Justice
1. Mr. T and Tina
1. The San Pedro Beach Bums
1. Pop! Goes the Country

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Five injustices you bravely suffer

1. de-friended by the singer from that band you never really liked anyway
1. flagging sales of your recent eBook on the sidewalk cafes of Southern Indiana
1. raw volume of co-workers who never even *acknowledge* your funny t-shirts
1. fucking Eggers never responded to your email
1. you totally had an eyebrow ring *months* before that goon from IT got one

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Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty

1. chocolate fountain
1. melon baller
1. meat baster
1. boning knife
1. corn holders

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Five possible meanings of that Kanji tattoo you can’t read

1. “See Rock City”
1. “L.A. Law / Thursdays at 10”
1. “due diligence”
1. “Kajagoogoo4Evs”
1. “I fellate goats while sporting a tattoo that I was told says ‘Harley Davidson'”

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Five terrible fake scripts from a notional fourth season of Gilligan’s Island

1. Ginger gets badly hooked on coconut-based diet pills
1. Gilligan quietly begins surreptitious relationship with Mary Ann’s cut-offs
1. Mr. Howell acquires Skipper in stock-only buy-out
1. Intact Coast Guard ship lands in lagoon; Professor disassembles parts to construct ersatz wooden “rescue telephone”
1. Cousin Oliver arrives, reviving the tired franchise with his inspired island mayhem

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Five amazing high-hat parts

1. “Dial-Up” – Ted Leo & the Pharmacists (Chris Wilson)
1. “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” – The Police (Stewart Copeland)
1. “Peg” – Steely Dan (Rick Marotta)
1. “Ceremony” – New Order (Stephen Morris)
1. “Harborcoat” – R.E.M. (Bill Berry)

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Five things, besides lying, that Shakira’s hips don’t do

1. poach eggs
1. long division
1. tap your phone
1. moblog
1. take no mess

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Five terrible fake Spears family parenting lapses

1. Kevin repeatedly leaves baby in ashtray at check cashing store
1. Britney scores pyrrhic victory in tequila-soaked belly flop contest
1. new sitter hastily hired in parking lot of Jack in the Boxâ„¢
1. baby’s favorite beer bong often loaded with unpalatably lukewarm Coors
1. Kevin promises “that next li’l critter” as escrow toward new ATV

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Five songs I wish would become popular drunken singalongs at sporting events

1. “How Soon is Now?” / The Smiths
1. “Blasphemous Rumors” / Depeche Mode
1. “Uncertain Smile” / The The
1. “If Only You Were Lonely” / The Replacements
1. “The Killing Moon” / Echo & the Bunnymen

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Five terrible fake David Blaine endurance stunts

1. perches atop a Shoney’s salad bar (throughout busy Mother’s Day holiday)
1. wedges deep in Ted Kennedy’s jowl (duration of lengthy filibuster)
1. stands dutifully in line at the DMV (16 weeks)
1. sealed in oversized Ziploc® bag; simply forgotten in back of fridge (2½ years)
1. attends taping of _Dr. Phil_ (60 minutes)

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Five phrases I wish I had occasion to use more often

1. foxy boxing
1. bitch slap
1. jack-knifed big rig
1. junk in the trunk
1. hot stone massage

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Five things you probably don’t need to be carrying all the time

1. the carabiner
1. the big-ass ring of keys
1. the skateboard you never actually ride
1. the shurikens
1. the two-year-old condom

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Five things I wish I could get more into

1. Diet Coke
1. vim
1. situps
1. kale
1. cats

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Five suggested Flickr tags

1. “Rows Of Seated White Men Typing At Conferences”
1. “My Underlit Dessert With One Bite Missing”
1. “My Defenseless Child In A Funny Shirt I Made Him Wear”
1. “Attractive Man In His Twenties Playing An Electric Guitar”
1. “The Photo From This ‘Impromptu’ Self Portrait Series That Suggests I Don’t Have A Dewlap”

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Five periodicals I loved in the 90s

1. *Might*
1. *Ben is Dead*
1. *Beer Frame*
1. *Grand Royal*
1. *Thrift Score*

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Five amazing Beatles bridges

1. You Won’t See Me
1. Here, There, and Everywhere
1. I Feel Fine
1. Help!
1. We Can Work It Out

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Five ubiquitous anatomical embellishments from which I could use a break

1. the muffintop
1. the whale tail
1. the be-ringed toe
1. the back tattoo
1. the pierced nostril

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Five terrible fake Morrissey songs

1. Bachelor in a Casserole
1. The Swirling Clergyman’s Lament
1. St. Sebastian’s Disused Quiver
1. Dolorous Dolores
1. Gracious Knows These Trousers Bind

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Five modifiers you might have intended when you just said “literally”

1. completely
1. kind of
1. almost
1. not at all
1. figuratively

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Five places where the burnouts would hang out and smoke in junior high

1. The Tree
1. The Bridge
1. The Pit
1. outside the Red Baron
1. Scott’s dad’s trailer

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Five things that make me smile

1. the little arrow in the FedEx logo
1. elderly couples in matching outfits
1. “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by the Lovin’ Spoonful
1. _Candide_
1. Jack Horkheimer

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Five songs I sometimes listen to on repeat for 20 minutes

1. “North to Nothing” / The Wrens
1. “Most People are DJs” / The Hold Steady
1. “Only Shallow” / My Bloody Valentine
1. “7/4 (Shoreline)” / Broken Social Scene
1. “See That Girl” / Kirsty MacColl

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Five composers I’m glad never had to hear their work performed primarily as ear-screeching ringtones

1. Mozart
1. Bizet
1. Beethoven
1. Bach
1. Tupac

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Five things I currently have no intention of doing

1. voting for Pedro
1. doing the Dew
1. getting vertical
1. catching air
1. nailing the 720

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Five things that aren’t particularly helping my nascent dharma practice

1. Amazon Prime
1. no-foam soy lattes
1. ubiquitous clocks
1. Charles Shaw Cab Sav ($2/bottle)
1. The House of Prime Rib

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Five songs I’ve completely obsessed over

1. Stand and Deliver – Adam & the Ants – 1982
1. So. Central Rain – R.E.M. – 1984
1. Brand New Love – Sebadoh – 1993
1. Listen to What the Man Said – Wings – 1975
1. Makes No Sense at All – Hüsker Dü – 1985

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Five terrible fake “Morning Zoo” teams

1. Skirtbot’s Screaming Monkey Cage (featuring “Tiffany”)
1. Tank and Fawn: The Q98 Dream Team
1. Lesbo and Günther’s Drivetime Wacky Pack
1. ¡Loco Pedro y El Pollo de la Mañana! (de Caliente 103)
1. The Fart Factory

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Five candidates Madeline has repeatedly vetoed to be “our song”

1. “Peg” by Steely Dan
1. that dolorous “Magnadoodle” jingle
1. “Tom Sawyer” by Rush
1. “Cars” by Gary Numan
1. a song I made up about Madeline that rhymes her last name with “sinus”

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Five things I had to keep explaining to the guy at REI

1. I’ll mostly be seated and typing while I wear these shoes
1. I very rarely leave the house
1. There’s a paucity of rocks to climb in the Sunset District
1. I’d prefer shoes that don’t look like “The Visible Man”
1. These have _more than enough_ “torsion control” for smoking cigars and walking to the Walgreens

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