Five requests with regard to my eventual death

  1. If it happens that my death occurred in some public place, there is to be no ersatz memorial created on that location comprised of teddy bears, mylar balloons, or terrible poems written on posterboard in pink Magic Marker™. This is very, very important.
  2. If you choose to have any kind of service “memorializing” me, there will be no use of the phrase “looking down on us.”
  3. At no time is any outraged friend or family member to appear in public looking indignant and holding up a framed photograph of me.
  4. If you refer to anything I’ve ever done as “brave,” “courageous,” or “special,” I will personally come back from the grave and shit angry ghost turds in your coffee pot.
  5. If the resources exist and the weather is fine, I’d prefer to have my remains torn asunder by vicious dogs while “Tusk” is performed by an enthusiastic high school marching band.
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