Five ways I tend to feel after speaking with Sprint’s Customer Service

  1. Like I was just traded to another inmate for 2 packs of menthol cigarettes
  2. Like I’ve been slapped repeatedly with a half-frozen sturgeon
  3. Like I’ve accidentally just agreed to finish the homework of every kid in my middle school
  4. Like somewhere in a big Sprint building, there’s a fat man with a monocle and a top hat smoking a cigar while dancing a jig and holding a fat bag of five-dollar bills with my bewildered face on it
  5. Very, very unclean
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