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- Five Musicians to Whom I’ve Drunkenly Introduced Myself
- Five things we should clear up
- Five extremely minor characters
- Five terrible fake X-Men franchises
- Five things that rarely indicate the beginning of a world-class blog comment
- Five names that sound like they have too many syllables
- Five superpowers I promise would use only for good
- Five cool baby names based on U.S. presidents
- Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes
- Five reasons 5ives was down for two years
- Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens
- Five controversial ontologies
- Five cutting-edge greeting cards
- Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo
- Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII
- Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California
- Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now
- Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker
- Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books
- Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use
- Five inanimate objects that frequently seem annoyed with me
- Five terrible fake Jane Austen novels
- Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurants
- Five records I wish I could have sung backup on
- Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing
- Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday
- Five unusual Top Chef production crew titles
- Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic report
- Five rejected titles for the latest Coldplay record
- Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product
- Five ways to leverage the mobile thinkosphere
- Five “Web 2.0” ways to break up with your boyfriend
- Five terrible fake astronomical pickup lines
- Five rejected names for “Cooter” on The Dukes of Hazzard
- Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you
- Five more terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five subtle changes in the event that Microsoft acquires Yahoo!
- Five names you can belch
- Five ways Angelina Jolie can quickly acquire more children
- Five ways you’re unleashing the power of your blog
- Five terrible fake Sylvester Stallone franchise revivals
- Five presentation tips for delivering your Internet Manifesto
- Five terrible fake names for villages in England
- Five historical blog posts
- Five surprising things George Washington Carver made from peanuts
- Five legal concepts I’m pretty sure I first learned from watching The People’s Court
- Five more terrible fake euphemisms for defecating (based on The Godfather series)
- Five things I still don’t really understand
- Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me
- Five rejected Spice Girl personalities
- Five phrases I often find disorienting
- Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)
- Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception
- Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally
- Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself
- Five things you might do with “all that ass”
- Five things of which I will never tire
- Five douchebag power tools
- Five terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five Flickr sets that aren’t driving the long-term traffic you’d hoped for
- Five musical embellishments that should be used in moderation
- Five creatures I would depict interacting with one other if I ran a “Creationism Museum”
- Five songs to which I have a very clear recollection of french kissing in the 1980s
- Five tastes of childhood with which I’ve recently and happily re-acquainted myself
- Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit
- Five Flickr comments left on the latest self-portrait of you staring slightly off-camera with your mouth open
- Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”
- Five early 80s albums that are better than you probably remember
- Five songs I’d enjoy hearing Tom Waits cover
- Five recent makebelieve Canadian girlfriends
- Five favorite Hee Haw performers
- Five hip-hop pseudonyms I’ve considered for myself
- Five nouns to which I enjoy prepending an unnecessary definite article
- Five potentially novel new year’s resolutions
- Five nicknames I would find unbearable
- Five favorite words I learned last year
- Five albums I was listening to when I moved to San Francisco (seven years ago today)
- Five ideas I’ve had for family theme restaurants
- Five Halloween safety tips
- Five owners of ambitious combovers
- Five terrible fake pledge-week specials on PBS
- Five phrases you may substitute if you are intimidated by overt swearing
- Five possible signs your congressman thinks your teenaged son is hot
- Five things you did while MySpace was down
- Five groups, apart from “women and children,” who should get to leave a sinking ship first
- Five persons who will eventually appear in every rock documentary
- Five excellent Iron Maiden songs (and what each is ostensibly about)
- Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates
- Five people who are much more enjoyable if you imagine them as pro wrestlers
- Five markings I think I’d enjoy having on my grave
- Five TV shows I’ll bet you don’t remember
- Five injustices you bravely suffer
- Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty
- Five possible meanings of that Kanji tattoo you can’t read
- Five terrible fake scripts from a notional fourth season of Gilligan’s Island
- Five amazing high-hat parts
- Five things, besides lying, that Shakira’s hips don’t do
- Five terrible fake Spears family parenting lapses
- Five songs I wish would become popular drunken singalongs at sporting events
- Five terrible fake David Blaine endurance stunts
- Five phrases I wish I had occasion to use more often
- Five things you probably don’t need to be carrying all the time
- Five things I wish I could get more into
- Five suggested Flickr tags
- Five periodicals I loved in the 90s
- Five amazing Beatles bridges
- Five ubiquitous anatomical embellishments from which I could use a break
- Five terrible fake Morrissey songs
- Five modifiers you might have intended when you just said “literally”
- Five places where the burnouts would hang out and smoke in junior high
- Five things that make me smile
- Five songs I sometimes listen to on repeat for 20 minutes
- Five composers I’m glad never had to hear their work performed primarily as ear-screeching ringtones
- Five things I currently have no intention of doing
- Five things that aren’t particularly helping my nascent dharma practice
- Five songs I’ve completely obsessed over
- Five terrible fake “Morning Zoo” teams
- Five candidates Madeline has repeatedly vetoed to be “our song”
- Five things I had to keep explaining to the guy at REI
- Five places I’ve had my hair cut
- Five good things to absorb while you’re still young
- Five reasons the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
- Five decidedly un-super supergroups
- Five things you can bring along to help make the party all about you
- Five people I’d love to observe trying to have dinner together
- Five more excellent public radio names
- Five works I adore by artists I otherwise don’t care for
- Five people I’m told I impersonate badly
- Five things it’s worth paying a little extra for
- Five notional movies that might not have gone over as well with fundamentalists
- Five ways to get on the del.icio.us home page
- Five terrible fake entrees from the dotcom era
- Five ways your histrionic anti-abortion friend might refer to a fetus
- Five people of whom I confess to being a bit weary
- Five things (besides a television) that you could constantly remind people you won’t use
- Five rules of thumb
- Five more things Pat Robertson needs you to pray on
- Five They Might Be Giants songs I often find myself singing
- Five thoughts on who “they” might be
- Five favorite guitar chords
- Five rules from the NPR drinking game
- Five bands I’m sorry I never got to see live
- Five terrible fake non-fiction bestsellers
- Five favorite new wave drummers
- Five terrible fake secrets about Seals & Crofts
- Five things I have read repeatedly in the bathroom
- Five beverages I haven’t drunk very often since college
- Five Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five user icons
Here’s All of the 5ives
Monthly Archives: May 2004
Five epic childhood injuries (and how I got each)
- 7-inch cut on outside left leg (jumping ramp on a dare, 1976)
- big bloody hole in center of head (slammed into corner of bathroom sink, 1973)
- teeny tiny cut above left upper lip (accidental glancing fingernail for which my Mother still can’t forgive herself, 1967)
- double hernia operation (1968)
- 2nd degree sunburn (Adventure Island, 1980)
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Five things I promised Jeni Babcock we’d eat for dinner on our eventual first date (1975)
- Steak
- French Fries
- Coke or Sprite
- Salad with French Dressing and croutons
- Dessert (probably the pudding of her choice)
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Five terrible fake names for your new streetgang
- The North Side Wussies
- Da Lovas o’ Henry James
- Self-Abusin’ Joey & the Shameful Seven
- The Slight n’ Pale Grammarian Crewe
- The Rollin’, Representin’ Christian Apologists
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Five children I totally envied (1978)
- Jimmy Osmond
- Richie Rich
- Adam Rich
- Jody Patterson-Davis
- That little Japanese kid with the 200 IQ
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Five terrible fake names for feminine hygiene products
- September Morn’
- Dressy Drawers
- Horseback Sally’s All-Natural Disposable Swim Appliance
- Too Fresh by a Half
- Heather Menses
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Five terrific Left Banke songs (that aren’t “Walk Away, Renee”)
- She May Call You Up Tonight
- Desiree
- Pretty Ballerina
- Let Go of You Girl
- I’ve Got Something On My Mind
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Five most popular dishes to bring to Wednesday night church potluck (Cincinnati, OH; 1976)
- Kraft macaroni & cheese
- green bean casserole
- deviled eggs
- franks & beans
- congealed salad (various)
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Five good sidekicks
- Barney Rubble
- Trapper John
- Danno
- Ralph Malph
- Wojo
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Five cultural pronouncements from Chairman Merlin
- Godspeed You! Black Emperor is basically Classical music for indie rock kids
- Shoes and costly skincare products are the new food
- Excessive, dark lipliner is the female version of a bad toupee
- Hüsker Dü and The Shins listened to the same mid-60s pop—but arrived at completely different conclusions
- Shame is the new black
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Five things I’d like to see become inexplicably cool amongst urban hipsters
- Combovers
- Clarinets
- Enormous eyeglasses made out of turquoise
- Baseball cleats
- Pig latin
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Five cultural phenomena that completely passed me by
- Video games
- “hella”
- Reality TV
- That whole low-slung pants thing
- Adult cartoons about ironic, crime-solving food
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Five things that must be stopped immediately
- Pennies
- Waiters introducing themselves then stooping at the table
- Cars that honk when they’re locked or unlocked
- Use of the word “obvs”
- The Rolling Stones
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Five books I didn’t understand nearly as well as I thought at the time
- Hofstadter / Gödel, Escher, Bach
- Kierkegaard / Fear & Trembling
- Kant / The Critique of Pure Reason
- Baker / Modern Physics and Anti-Physics
- Paul / Romans
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Five songs I learned on guitar (1983)
- Iron Man
- Smoke on the Water
- Twist and Shout
- I Ran
- Pictures of Matchstick Men
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Five artists who probably should have been discouraged from dancing in their music videos
- Eddie Money
- Billy Squier
- Belinda Carlisle
- Ric Ocascek
- Michael Stipe
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Five songs that continue to haunt me
- “Year of the Cat” – Al Stewart
- “Lonely Boy” – Andrew Gold
- “Driver’s Seat” – Sniff n’ the Tears
- “Sad Eyes” – Robert John
- “Magnet & Steel” – Walter Egan
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