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- Five Musicians to Whom I’ve Drunkenly Introduced Myself
- Five things we should clear up
- Five extremely minor characters
- Five terrible fake X-Men franchises
- Five things that rarely indicate the beginning of a world-class blog comment
- Five names that sound like they have too many syllables
- Five superpowers I promise would use only for good
- Five cool baby names based on U.S. presidents
- Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes
- Five reasons 5ives was down for two years
- Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens
- Five controversial ontologies
- Five cutting-edge greeting cards
- Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo
- Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII
- Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California
- Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now
- Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker
- Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books
- Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use
- Five inanimate objects that frequently seem annoyed with me
- Five terrible fake Jane Austen novels
- Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurants
- Five records I wish I could have sung backup on
- Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing
- Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday
- Five unusual Top Chef production crew titles
- Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic report
- Five rejected titles for the latest Coldplay record
- Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product
- Five ways to leverage the mobile thinkosphere
- Five “Web 2.0” ways to break up with your boyfriend
- Five terrible fake astronomical pickup lines
- Five rejected names for “Cooter” on The Dukes of Hazzard
- Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you
- Five more terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five subtle changes in the event that Microsoft acquires Yahoo!
- Five names you can belch
- Five ways Angelina Jolie can quickly acquire more children
- Five ways you’re unleashing the power of your blog
- Five terrible fake Sylvester Stallone franchise revivals
- Five presentation tips for delivering your Internet Manifesto
- Five terrible fake names for villages in England
- Five historical blog posts
- Five surprising things George Washington Carver made from peanuts
- Five legal concepts I’m pretty sure I first learned from watching The People’s Court
- Five more terrible fake euphemisms for defecating (based on The Godfather series)
- Five things I still don’t really understand
- Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me
- Five rejected Spice Girl personalities
- Five phrases I often find disorienting
- Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)
- Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception
- Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally
- Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself
- Five things you might do with “all that ass”
- Five things of which I will never tire
- Five douchebag power tools
- Five terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five Flickr sets that aren’t driving the long-term traffic you’d hoped for
- Five musical embellishments that should be used in moderation
- Five creatures I would depict interacting with one other if I ran a “Creationism Museum”
- Five songs to which I have a very clear recollection of french kissing in the 1980s
- Five tastes of childhood with which I’ve recently and happily re-acquainted myself
- Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit
- Five Flickr comments left on the latest self-portrait of you staring slightly off-camera with your mouth open
- Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”
- Five early 80s albums that are better than you probably remember
- Five songs I’d enjoy hearing Tom Waits cover
- Five recent makebelieve Canadian girlfriends
- Five favorite Hee Haw performers
- Five hip-hop pseudonyms I’ve considered for myself
- Five nouns to which I enjoy prepending an unnecessary definite article
- Five potentially novel new year’s resolutions
- Five nicknames I would find unbearable
- Five favorite words I learned last year
- Five albums I was listening to when I moved to San Francisco (seven years ago today)
- Five ideas I’ve had for family theme restaurants
- Five Halloween safety tips
- Five owners of ambitious combovers
- Five terrible fake pledge-week specials on PBS
- Five phrases you may substitute if you are intimidated by overt swearing
- Five possible signs your congressman thinks your teenaged son is hot
- Five things you did while MySpace was down
- Five groups, apart from “women and children,” who should get to leave a sinking ship first
- Five persons who will eventually appear in every rock documentary
- Five excellent Iron Maiden songs (and what each is ostensibly about)
- Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates
- Five people who are much more enjoyable if you imagine them as pro wrestlers
- Five markings I think I’d enjoy having on my grave
- Five TV shows I’ll bet you don’t remember
- Five injustices you bravely suffer
- Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty
- Five possible meanings of that Kanji tattoo you can’t read
- Five terrible fake scripts from a notional fourth season of Gilligan’s Island
- Five amazing high-hat parts
- Five things, besides lying, that Shakira’s hips don’t do
- Five terrible fake Spears family parenting lapses
- Five songs I wish would become popular drunken singalongs at sporting events
- Five terrible fake David Blaine endurance stunts
- Five phrases I wish I had occasion to use more often
- Five things you probably don’t need to be carrying all the time
- Five things I wish I could get more into
- Five suggested Flickr tags
- Five periodicals I loved in the 90s
- Five amazing Beatles bridges
- Five ubiquitous anatomical embellishments from which I could use a break
- Five terrible fake Morrissey songs
- Five modifiers you might have intended when you just said “literally”
- Five places where the burnouts would hang out and smoke in junior high
- Five things that make me smile
- Five songs I sometimes listen to on repeat for 20 minutes
- Five composers I’m glad never had to hear their work performed primarily as ear-screeching ringtones
- Five things I currently have no intention of doing
- Five things that aren’t particularly helping my nascent dharma practice
- Five songs I’ve completely obsessed over
- Five terrible fake “Morning Zoo” teams
- Five candidates Madeline has repeatedly vetoed to be “our song”
- Five things I had to keep explaining to the guy at REI
- Five places I’ve had my hair cut
- Five good things to absorb while you’re still young
- Five reasons the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
- Five decidedly un-super supergroups
- Five things you can bring along to help make the party all about you
- Five people I’d love to observe trying to have dinner together
- Five more excellent public radio names
- Five works I adore by artists I otherwise don’t care for
- Five people I’m told I impersonate badly
- Five things it’s worth paying a little extra for
- Five notional movies that might not have gone over as well with fundamentalists
- Five ways to get on the del.icio.us home page
- Five terrible fake entrees from the dotcom era
- Five ways your histrionic anti-abortion friend might refer to a fetus
- Five people of whom I confess to being a bit weary
- Five things (besides a television) that you could constantly remind people you won’t use
- Five rules of thumb
- Five more things Pat Robertson needs you to pray on
- Five They Might Be Giants songs I often find myself singing
- Five thoughts on who “they” might be
- Five favorite guitar chords
- Five rules from the NPR drinking game
- Five bands I’m sorry I never got to see live
- Five terrible fake non-fiction bestsellers
- Five favorite new wave drummers
- Five terrible fake secrets about Seals & Crofts
- Five things I have read repeatedly in the bathroom
- Five beverages I haven’t drunk very often since college
- Five Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five user icons
Here’s All of the 5ives
Monthly Archives: August 2004
Five things I learned from watching Metropolis
- Biplanes will soon glide gracefully between our great art deco skyscrapers
- In the very near future, rich white men will wear really gay pants
- When women become evil robots, they like to act kind of slutty and dance
- Workers of the year 2026 are in constant danger of being crushed under a pile of allegory
- What German actors lack in subtlety, they more than make up for in enthusiasm and interesting haircuts
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Five things I’ll be doing while you’re at Burning Man
- carefully stewarding my pallor
- repeatedly watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit on the TiVo
- defecating indoors—copiously, often, and without queueing
- not tongue-kissing a sweaty Java programmer in clown makeup named “Shanti”
- wearing clothes—lots and lots of square, capitalist, heinous-body-covering clothes
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Five community or civic groups that just didn’t take
- Cub Scouts (1976)
- Drum & Bugle Corps (1978)
- Diplomacy Club (1979)
- Special Olympics Club (1984)
- Key Club (1985)
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Five fun guitars
- $20 no-name, cream-colored pseudo-Jaguar with a broken neck pickup and faux-walnut fretboard (1983)
- $150 Cimar Flying-V/Explorer bastardization (1984)
- Rickenbacker 660 electric 12-string (1988)
- busted-ass $200 Yamaha FG-340II acoustic [that I play to this day] (1988)
- Bacon Ray-era single-cutaway Epiphone Special II/VS (1997)
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Five tips that comprise everything I know about digital photography
- Shoot at as high a resolution as is reasonable for your camera’s storage capacity
- Make sure the light is coming from behind you (and the brighter the better)
- Take two or more shots of each thing you photograph (you won’t believe how differently each turns out)
- Shoot all closeups of people from above and at a 45° downward angle (enlarges eyes, reduces “meatbeard”)
- When in doubt, use the slow-sync flash (aka “Rock and Roll Filter”)
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Five things I’d like to see corner drug dealers suddenly start selling
- balsa wood toy airplanes
- long grain and wild rice
- Golden Books®
- novelty gifts, magic tricks, and small puzzles
- motivational posters and cassette tapes
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Five dotcom terms that still make me cringe
- monetize
- “The Enterprise”
- mindshare
- net net
- capture eyeballs
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Five memorable childhood pills
- Flintstones chewable vitamins
- St. Joseph’s baby aspirin
- nauseating grownup multi-vitamins
- nasty, sour Bufferin
- those plaque pills that made your teeth all red
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Five favorite rumors of my childhood
- Bubble Yum is made from spiders’ eggs
- Mikey died from mixing Pop-Rocks and Coke
- That one really weird teacher is “a gay”
- People get beheaded on Space Mountain, literally, every day
- One time, Rod Stewart drank a gallon of semen and totally had to have his stomach pumped
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Five terrible fake Eve Ensler plays
- The Fallopian Follies
- The Clitoris Cycle
- An Evening Inside My Cervix
- The Ovary Improvisations
- Chattin’ with My Labia
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Five things I find kind of hypnotic
- spiders
- peppy morning news shows
- car fires
- arguing couples
- Krispy Kreme donut line
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Five things you must abandon immediately
- ironic trucker cap
- aviator sunglasses
- “vintage” t-shirt from Urban Outfitters
- cutesy truncated words (“obvs,” “whatevs,” et al.)
- back tattoos of fanciful creatures
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Five movies I watched multiple times on cable (ca. 1982)
- Stripes
- Escape from New York
- Lipstick
- American Gigolo
- Up in Smoke
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Five private contests (and the standing record for each)
- From how far away can the remote open the garage door? (just around the corner: about 150’)
- How long can I go without losing my Space Pen? (4.5 years)
- How many trays of ice cubes can I make in a day? (8)
- How fast can I drive to Trader Joe’s in Daly City? (11 minutes)
- How long can I go without watching a whole episode of Star Trek? (whole life, to date)
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Five movie firsts
- The Yearling (first movie that made me cry)
- Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein (first movie that terrified me)
- Blackbeard’s Ghost (first movie where I sat in the front row)
- E.T. (first movie during which I made out)
- Short Circuit 2 (first movie I walked out of)
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Five things I used to look forward to each Autumn
- new season of TV shows
- big-ass Sears Christmas catalogue
- Halloween
- fresh Duo-Tang folders
- impending birthday
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Five things that almost always make a song better
- hand claps
- tambourine
- horns
- “La La La”, high harmony, backup vocals
- ARP string ensemble
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Five least favorite Magic Kingdom attractions (1970s)
- Plaza Swan Boats
- Monsanto 360
- The Enchanted Tiki Room
- Swiss Family Treehouse
- Tom Sawyer Island
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Five things whose use by children kind of depresses me
- bike helmets
- rolling book bags
- cell phones
- hand guns
- the f word
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Five things in my pediatrician’s waiting room
- Highlights for Children
- Fisher-Price parking garage
- very hard plastic chairs
- sample illustrated Bible (with order cards inside cover)
- snot (both dried and fresh)
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Five favorite Mac programs (ca. 1988)
- WriteNow
- FullPaint
- PageMaker
- Double Helix
- Talking Moose
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Five favorite Mike Coleman songs
- Windshield
- Don’t You Go Changing Gristle
- Tuber
- Tootie
- Li’l Smokie
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Five elementary school smells
- cafeteria (ambiguous breaded, fried food)
- nurse’s office (rubbing alcohol and bleach)
- red playground ball (rubber and tar)
- school bus circle (paint and diesel fumes)
- Physical Science class (vinegar and soil)
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Five bastardizations of my first name
- Melvin
- Myron
- Copernicus
- Mel
- Mervin
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Five foods I’ve never really learned to enjoy
- beets
- tripe
- brussel sprouts
- black licorice
- orange chicken
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Five things that are always funny
- hiking your pants up really high
- giant foam cowboy hat
- crossed eyes
- fake Jerry Lewis voice
- replying with “That’s what she said!”
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Five catastrophes that disappointed
- africanized bees
- cancer from saccharine
- Oral Roberts “called home”/blackmailed by God
- Friends
- Y2K
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