Archive for October, 2004

Five terrible fake articles in Waaaaa!, the notional magazine for hipster Noe Valley mothers

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
  1. Clogs: They’re just so comfortable!
  2. Tough Choices: One baby, two dogs or two babies, one dog?
  3. Election Special: Which clever t-shirt will you force baby to wear?
  4. Busy Mom Discipline: Try hitting the baby with the spaniel
  5. Why can’t I name them all “Tyler?”: One mother’s painful journey of discovery

Five favorite guitar players right now

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
  1. Charles Bissell (The Wrens)
  2. Andy Cohen (Silkworm)
  3. Roger Miller (Mission of Burma)
  4. Patrick Pentland (Sloan)
  5. Geoff Farina (Karate)

Five subject lines from recent spams that would also make good titles for Guided by Voices songs

Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
  1. Confucianism: You Should Carry On
  2. Topsoil Deals Offsetting
  3. Squirehood, What’s Your Wife’s Favorite One?
  4. Secular Rockabye Countryman
  5. Porpoise, Only You Can Superstition

Five power tools of the unintentionally creepy guy

Sunday, October 10th, 2004
  1. single red rose
  2. internet “shrine”
  3. anonymous gift of lingerie
  4. naming new hard drive in milady’s honor
  5. rhyming comparisons to “Seven of Nine”

Five stage names I’d consider if I ever became a singing drag queen

Sunday, October 10th, 2004
  1. Karla Marxx
  2. Lola Piranha
  3. Curvée Rhodes
  4. Jackie Jills
  5. Margarita Salt

Five favorite drummers right now

Sunday, October 10th, 2004
  1. Jim Eno (Spoon)
  2. Ringo Starr (The Beatles)
  3. Bruce Hamilton (Gruel, Bacon Ray)
  4. Jim Lindsay (Oranger)
  5. DJ Bonebrake (X)

Five cats who hated me

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
  1. Blackie (1977) - Clawed maniacally at my calves as I slept uneasily
  2. Sushi (1992) - Calm demeanor belied hateful, blood-filled glances
  3. Unnamed neighborhood cat (1979) - Hissed menacingly from the front yard
  4. Sapphire (1998) - Mephistophelean Siamese with transparently homicidal designs
  5. Chuck (1991) - Repeatedly shat on my pillow

Five random thoughts on sunglasses

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
  1. If someone leaves their sunglasses in your car and they go unclaimed for five (5) business days, they legally become yours without comment
  2. Don Knotts has macular degeneration so don’t make fun of his big-ass sunglasses
  3. If you’ve spent more than $20.00 on your sunglasses, you probably aren’t spending enough on liquor
  4. The more “futuristic” your sunglasses are, the more likely you are to be living in a farming community (and vice versa)
  5. If you customarily wear sunglasses indoors, you better be blind or Kevin from The Wrens

Five locations where nearly all my dreams take place

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
  1. motels
  2. shopping malls
  3. New College
  4. military school
  5. museums

Five bands I don’t think I’m enjoying as much as I’m supposed to

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
  1. Radiohead
  2. PJ Harvey
  3. Sleater Kinney
  4. Liz Phair
  5. Scissor Sisters