Archive for April, 2005

Five things the yuppie on the Harley doesn’t want you to know

Sunday, April 24th, 2005
  1. If it weren’t for his wife’s IPO, he’d still be kickin’ it in the Caravan
  2. It took him 2-1/2 years to grow that lame goatee
  3. All the women at work call him “Fonzie” and laugh
  4. Each week, there’s a good deal less hair under that cool “brain bucket”
  5. He’s just terrified of dying

Five mid-life career changes I’d consider

Sunday, April 24th, 2005
  1. Royal Watcher
  2. Futurist
  3. Sports Legend
  4. Maître d’
  5. Old-World Craftsman

Five places I was turned down for dates

Sunday, April 24th, 2005
  1. Skyway to Fantasyland; Walt Disney World
  2. 2nd period English; Ridgewood Jr. High
  3. Congress Skating Rink; Port Richey, Fla.
  4. 15-minute walk-run; Ridgewood Jr. High
  5. Red Baron Arcade; Northgate Mall

Five terrible fake items from the Sky Mall catalog

Sunday, April 24th, 2005
  1. monogrammed dog saddle
  2. golf-club-shaped satellite phone
  3. extra large all-weather sitting pants
  4. nesting dolls of extended Bush family
  5. solar-powered scrotum humidifier

Five things for which it’s probably okay not to have a strong brand preference

Sunday, April 24th, 2005
  1. bail bondsman
  2. home syphilis test
  3. nunchucks
  4. lice comb
  5. bottled water

Five ineffective responses to bullies

Sunday, April 24th, 2005
  1. Be assured that my imaginary friend, Prof. Pickles, will be hearing about this.
  2. I trust you’re prepared to pay any medical deductible?
  3. I have every confidence I’ll heal in time for band camp.
  4. No. Actually, I pee myself when I’m feeling really confident.
  5. Might my plaintive weeping soften your heart?

Five non-standard spellings of “weblog” (and where I’d like to see each used)

Sunday, April 24th, 2005
  1. Mr. Log (The New York Times)
  2. OMG lol teh bl0g!!!1!1! (LiveJournal)
  3. weëblog (The New Yorker)
  4. we belong (Pat Benatar)
  5. free, uncredited leads (The Drudge Report)