5ives

Saturday, January 22nd, 2005

If you had to go through my trash and pick one discarded item to represent how you felt about my butt, what would it be?
If I were a piece of food caught in your teeth, would you pick me out? What kind of food would I be? Would I be delicious even after I’d been trapped between your molars since lunch?
If the two of us were naked in a phone booth and we both had to fart really bad, how would we bring it up? Who would fart first, and would it smell like flowers?
If I were a tumor, where would I be on your body? How long would it be before I metastasized to your liver?
Please post the compliment you think I would most enjoy hearing about myself. Now, do this every morning.

Tuesday, January 18th, 2005

Monday, January 17th, 2005

Fallen arches, while not precisely a medical myth, are largely a creation of ignorant liberal activists (and their spotty data).
Elves are behind most headaches and nearly all cellphone dead zones.
Seat belts cause many more auto fatalities than they prevent.
Mint flavor is actually not refreshing at all.
If you can successfully remove the label from your Michelob bottle—all in one piece—you’ll totally get laid tonight.

Monday, January 17th, 2005

Obsequious chain restaurant waitrons
Any mention of King Tut requires playing the jokey Steve Martin song
The unapologetic shittiness of airport food
“Myanmar,” we must be reminded, was once known as “Burma”
Someone in earshot will say “hella” repeatedly today (and I will cringe reflexively)

Monday, January 17th, 2005

Undertake bloody rampage on the set of The View
Disembowel line-cutters at Walgreens
Devour double-parkers on Taraval Street (and, ironically, the Chinese takeout that doomed them to their fate)
Poke gentle, good-natured fun at less powerful monsters when we meet at social events
Keep library books well past their due date

Monday, January 17th, 2005

Monday, January 3rd, 2005

Infant slumbers in the sling of a powerful trebuchet
Three napping newborns, juggled by slightly larger fourth baby
Pile of sleeping babies, dressed as pirates, provide ballast for leaky catamaran
Preemie in miniature bifocals used as precious paperweight
Month-old twins nestle in a slowly warming crock pot

Archive for January, 2005