Archive for April, 2002
Monday, April 29th, 2002
- Two guys are caught–uh–enjoying one another’s company between two houses in a residential area. One speaks only Spanish, while the other speaks a kind of fractured English. When the second man is asked why his fly is down and there’s grass all over his back, he plays it off legit: “I doan know! He breeng me back here…maybe kill me or something and steal my money!”
- Man is thrown off bus for disruptive behavior. Police, curious about the metallic sparkle on the tip of his nose, search him and discover a plastic bag with half an inch of liquified spray paint in it. Further searching reveals several pairs of ladies underwear–still on the teeny hangers–stuffed under his waistband. Every mother’s nightmare; their son on a binge of spray paint huffing and panty theft.
- Woman pulled over for suspicious driving speaks gibberish: “You can squeeze my wrist all you want, whoremongers, but you ain’t gonna get nothing but my wallet.” Sublime.
- Enormous, naked, bleeding, cracked-up man in barber shop must be subdued by five or six officers.
- Man coerces estranged girlfriend (smoking a butt in a beaded fringe t-shirt) to talk to him by offering money, a carton of cigarettes, or a steak and shrimp dinner.
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Monday, April 29th, 2002
- Corn snake in bedroom, 1984
- Mother Opossum on the back porch, 1994
- White mouse, captured under 5-gallon bucket, 1980
- Turtle in side yard, 1977
- Imaginary alligator in bathroom, 1972
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Monday, April 29th, 2002
- Hair gel
- Puns
- Expressions of sympathy
- Novelty records
- Comments on a breakup
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Monday, April 29th, 2002
- “What are you guys, some kind of head fuck band?”
(Guy with a mullet at a Bacon Ray show, 1995)
- “As far as I’m concerned, all you new wavers are in purgatory.”
(Doorman at Backstreets, 1990)
- “If he’s not, he’s missing his best bet.”
(Sam’s Dad, asked if their interior decorator was gay, 1984)
- “The heft of your rhetoric far outweighs the fragility of your insights.”
(Mac Miller, upon reading my first paper for Vonnegut class, 1986)
- “If you played with your fingers, you’d sound like Stanley Clarke.”
(Sound man at Yanni’s to Mike Coleman, 1993)
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Thursday, April 18th, 2002
- The Texas Cheesecake Depository
- Professor P. J. Cornucopia’s Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery
- The Spaghetti Laboratory
- Face Stuffers
- P. Piggly Hogswine’s Super Smorg
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Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
- 1 lb. of bacon
- 2 lbs. of sausage
- Dozen eggs
- Loaf of toast
- Coffee
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Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
- L Taraval
- 22 Fillmore
- N Judah
- 5 Fulton
- 66 Quintara
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Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
- Fork, four-tined
- Large spoon
- Knife, serrated
- Salad tongs
- Slotted serving spoon
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Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
- Adam & the Ants
- The Who
- Black Sabbath
- The Police
- The Beatles
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Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
- Accountant
- Lawyer
- Minister
- President of a Bank
- Funnycar driver
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Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
- The Kids from C.A.P.E.R
- The Dukes of Hazzard
- Mission: Impossible
- Lancelot Link
- SWAT
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Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
- Back acne
- Siblings
- Ulcers
- Access to hard drugs
- An affinity for sports
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Monday, April 15th, 2002
- Hooters
- “Just stopping by this one guy’s house for a minute”
- Bars where women sell shots in test tubes
- Rooms containing teenagers
- Anyplace people are praying
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Monday, April 15th, 2002
- Reserved
- Bootylicious
- Thrifty
- Laconic
- Hospitaliano
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Monday, April 15th, 2002
- “Wings night!”
- Softball
- Asking/being asked “how was your weekend?”
- “Sign the birthday card…pass it on”
- Boss picks ass while walking down hallway
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Monday, April 15th, 2002
- Frequently ate nothing but mashed potatoes and piping hot coffee
- Liked watching girls wrestle in their underpants
- Had a chimp that did dirty things to visitors
- Hated his own movies–especially the scripts and his acting
- Gave all his “guys” matching mobile homes
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Monday, April 15th, 2002
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Monday, April 15th, 2002
- Large gong behind drummer
- > 3 guitar players
- Teleprompters
- Anyone wearing own band’s t shirt (bonus if it’s for the current tour)
- Opening with a cover
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Monday, April 15th, 2002
- At home, I hallucinated that Suzie was a limited edition Elizabeth Taylor Denny’s children’s menu (complete with punchouts and maze game)
- Completely unclear how I made it to work (as busboy at a steakhouse)
- Foolishly attempted to pick up 40-lb tray of dirty dishes; I ask to go home (”very, very sick”)
- Grandma picks me up. She has a nose bleed. She talks compulsively as she drives northbound into southbound US 19 traffic.
- My eyes roll back in my head. Grandma prays aloud as she careens off the road. This is a true story
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Monday, April 15th, 2002
- Eaten by a large purple dragon. He flies around, and the lavender sunlight shines through his translucent skin as I sit nervously in his stomach, 1971
- Score big touchdown and fall in end zone. Stunning blond girl my age (12) stoops down, smiles and kisses me square on the mouth, 1979
- “It’s a small world”-style boat ride through the Ringling Museum, 1992
- I fly in deft circles around our 12 x 12 living room, 1974
- Slow-motion camera work captures my concentration as I crouch and then effortlessly leap over Melissa’s (the fireman’s daughter) house, 1976
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