Monthly Archives: January 2004

+ crunk
+ nizzle
+ Linux
+ gi-normous
+ craptacular Continue reading →

+ Professor Buggery, Ph.D.: Can your child’s teachers pass our Pederasty Popquiz?
+ That’s Not Chocolate! How would you know if there were poo-poo in your family’s candy dish?
+ Rats, Cats, & Big, Curly Pubic Hairs: The filthy truth inside your favorite “Four Star” restaurants
+ public_humiliation@yourcomputer.com: What career-ending secrets are lurking on your family’s hard drive? Is The Government cataloging them right now?
+ “My Baby’s on Fire!”: Find out if your child is one of the hundreds at risk for Spontaneous Toddler Combustion Continue reading →

+ Mommy’s Atrocious Rash-Inducer
+ Old Spinydrawers
+ Rod Serling
+ Short Circuit II
+ Mr. Limpy Continue reading →

+ The kitty photos (especially that fourth set)
+ That one post where you were really drunk in Devan’s room
+ The time you ate that amazing pot pie but then got totally sick
+ Your series of charcoal drawings of Jonathan Frakes as a sword-wielding furry
+ That post where you promised to update more often Continue reading →

+ climbing the rope
+ towel snapping
+ chinups
+ square-dancing week
+ surreptitious penis comparisons Continue reading →

+ Queen – “We Will Rock You,” b/w “We are the Champions”
+ Chic – “Le Freak”
+ Wings – “Listen to What the Man Said”
+ Bee Gees – “Too Much Heaven”
+ Blondie – “Heart of Glass” Continue reading →

+ Preference for a given Olsen sister
+ Brand of water cracker
+ System for opening the mail
+ Favorite magazine about NASCAR
+ Best way to order at the taqueria Continue reading →

+ Wearing a monocle
+ Developing and deploying a complex personal gang sign
+ Angrily demanding that people call me “Colonel”
+ Speaking exclusively in terrible cockney rhyming slang
+ Constantly referring to “my novella” Continue reading →

+ Kihntankerous
+ Kihnjoined Twins
+ Kihn-Tiki
+ Under Kihnstruction
+ Kihntucky Rain Continue reading →

+ Incentivize
+ Deplane
+ Impact
+ Blog
+ Party Continue reading →

+ Roach clip with feathers
+ Coarsely grained, oddly hard, stuffed animal
+ Lynyrd Skynyrd coke mirror
+ Another throw
+ Big-ass pink comb Continue reading →

+ Painters’ pants worn with ‘Mork’ rainbow suspenders and Dallas Cowboys 3/4-sleeve shirt (1979)
+ Red Johnny Bench sneakers (1975)
+ T-shirt airbrushed with the cover of “Wolverine #1” comic book (1982)
+ Hüsker Dü “Metal Circus” t-shirt (1987)
+ Batman halloween costume (1972) Continue reading →

+ Metallica / Master of Puppets
+ Sousa / Marches
+ Beastie Boys / Paul’s Boutique
+ Laibach / Life is Life
+ Sonic Youth / Daydream Nation Continue reading →

+ Peter (throws an elaborate party and no one comes; he stands alone, stiffly, wearing a weird double-breasted suit)
+ Greg (screws around reading hot rod magazines when he should be working; loses his Dad’s drawings)
+ Mike (freaks when Natalie Schafer’s guest-starring character wants a factory shaped like a powder puff regardless of how practical it is to build)
+ Cousin Oliver (jinxes the entire family after awkwardly turning up as a tired plot rejuvenator)
+ Davy Jones (clearly not sure why he’s there or what he’s expected to be doing; smiles broadly and plays along anyway wearing inexplicable striped pants) Continue reading →

+ Teenage Fanclub / Everything Flows (1990)
+ Pylon / Crazy (1986)
+ The Fall / Victoria (1988)
+ Drivin’ and Cryin’ / Scarred But Smarter (1987)
+ The Sugarcubes / Birthday (1988) Continue reading →

+ Japanese businessmen are considering a leveraged buyout of the Sunset District
+ Little Laotian man around the corner is secretly a rich, hostile pimp
+ Someone’s about to receive a giant, novelty-sized check from Ed McMahon
+ The 85-year-old man next door is about to get a Queer Eye makeover
+ I’m actually Bon Jovi Continue reading →

+ David Soul – Don’t Give up on Us, Baby
+ The Village People – Macho Man
+ John Travolta – Let Her In
+ Alan O’Day – Undercover Angel
+ Meco – Star Wars/Cantina Theme Continue reading →

+ Papa’s Li’l Cry for Help
+ Thar’s Gold in Them Thar Prostates
+ Your Mom’s Not Coming Home IV
+ Better’n a Hairweave, Matey
+ The Boss’s Obsequious Little Bitch Continue reading →

+ Faddish, i.e. *punk* hair-styles
+ Halter tops and/or bare midriff costumes
+ Public Display of Affection (PDA)
+ Shoving, skylarking, and other horseplay
+ Articles of clothing advertising alcohol, drugs or tobacco Continue reading →

+ Thompson Twins’ Into the Gap album cover (entire back)
+ Map of Bayonet Point, FL (face, shaved head)
+ Cartoon Calvin peeing joyfully on the staff of Pitchfork (upper left arm)
+ “TALK” & “ROCK” (knuckles of either hand)
+ Hash mark for each time I’ve seen Cheap Trick (back of neck; currently 5) Continue reading →

+ Chinese Throwing Star Night
+ Loaded .22 (with scope) Night
+ Guess Your Cholesterol and Get a Free Footlong Night
+ Leaky Bag of Urine Night
+ Nickel Absinthe Night Continue reading →

+ Professor Candypants (mime & contortionist)
+ MC Preclear ‘n’ the “Get Audizzited” Crew (evangelical rap crew)
+ Principal Badtouch (tapdancer & close magician)
+ Roofie McSleepytime (clown hypnotist)
+ Whitevan Andy & the Roadtrip Kidz (unspecified travel initiative) Continue reading →

+ Like I was just traded to another inmate for 2 packs of menthol cigarettes
+ Like I’ve been slapped repeatedly with a half-frozen sturgeon
+ Like I’ve accidentally just agreed to finish the homework of every kid in my middle school
+ Like somewhere in a big Sprint building, there’s a fat man with a monocle and a top hat smoking a cigar while dancing a jig and holding a fat bag of five-dollar bills with my bewildered face on it
+ Very, very unclean Continue reading →

+ Uncomfortable to see Fred McMurray and sons all playing Petula Clark’s “Downtown” on saxaphone (late in the run of My Three Sons)
+ Genuinely saddened when it appeared Fonzie would have to spend Christmas alone in the garage (early episode of Happy Days)
+ Pulling with all of my mental might for the buxom, wisecracking “Team ABC” (every Battle of the Network Stars)
+ Utter years-long frustration at my lack of vocabulary to ask why some TV shows looked “inside” or “shiny” [shot on video] while others were “outside” or “flat” [shot on film] (various)
+ Feeling an awkward but overwhelmingly powerful proto-sexual attraction to Emmy Jo (The New Zoo Revue, early 70s) Continue reading →

+ This Rodney Yee person is in much better physical condition than I am
+ Yoga is not, apparently, a competition; thus, you are discouraged from yelling “In your face!” at your partner/opponent
+ “Downward facing dog” makes me feel a little dirty
+ Lacking a points system, Yoga offers no particular bonus for finishing quickly or making pithy remarks
+ I remain suspicious of activities in which I cannot wear shoes or drink Continue reading →

+ All-day reggae festival (1988)
+ Chewing on a fistful of D batteries (1970)
+ Being in a Neil Simon play (1984)
+ Talking to Pete Rose (1976)
+ Lead singer in a execrably bad metal cover band (1985) Continue reading →