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Here’s Some More 5ives
- Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes
- Five reasons 5ives was down for two years
- Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens
- Five controversial ontologies
- Five cutting-edge greeting cards
- Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo
- Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII
- Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California
- Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now
- Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker
- Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books
- Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use
- Five inanimate objects that frequently seem annoyed with me
- Five terrible fake Jane Austen novels
- Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurants
- Five records I wish I could have sung backup on
- Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing
- Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday
- Five unusual Top Chef production crew titles
- Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic report
- Five rejected titles for the latest Coldplay record
- Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product
- Five ways to leverage the mobile thinkosphere
- Five “Web 2.0″ ways to break up with your boyfriend
- Five terrible fake astronomical pickup lines
- Five rejected names for “Cooter” on The Dukes of Hazzard
- Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you
- Five more terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five subtle changes in the event that Microsoft acquires Yahoo!
- Five names you can belch
- Five ways Angelina Jolie can quickly acquire more children
- Five ways you’re unleashing the power of your blog
- Five terrible fake Sylvester Stallone franchise revivals
- Five presentation tips for delivering your Internet Manifesto
- Five terrible fake names for villages in England
- Five historical blog posts
- Five surprising things George Washington Carver made from peanuts
- Five legal concepts I’m pretty sure I first learned from watching The People’s Court
- Five more terrible fake euphemisms for defecating (based on The Godfather series)
- Five things I still don’t really understand
- Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me
- Five rejected Spice Girl personalities
- Five phrases I often find disorienting
- Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)
- Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception
- Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally
- Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself
- Five things you might do with “all that ass”
- Five things of which I will never tire
- Five douchebag power tools
- Five terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five Flickr sets that aren’t driving the long-term traffic you’d hoped for
- Five musical embellishments that should be used in moderation
- Five creatures I would depict interacting with one other if I ran a “Creationism Museum”
- Five songs to which I have a very clear recollection of french kissing in the 1980s
- Five tastes of childhood with which I’ve recently and happily re-acquainted myself
- Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit
- Five Flickr comments left on the latest self-portrait of you staring slightly off-camera with your mouth open
- Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”
- Five early 80s albums that are better than you probably remember
- Five songs I’d enjoy hearing Tom Waits cover
- Five recent makebelieve Canadian girlfriends
- Five favorite Hee Haw performers
- Five hip-hop pseudonyms I’ve considered for myself
- Five nouns to which I enjoy prepending an unnecessary definite article
- Five potentially novel new year’s resolutions
- Five nicknames I would find unbearable
- Five favorite words I learned last year
- Five albums I was listening to when I moved to San Francisco (seven years ago today)
- Five ideas I’ve had for family theme restaurants
- Five Halloween safety tips
- Five owners of ambitious combovers
- Five terrible fake pledge-week specials on PBS
- Five phrases you may substitute if you are intimidated by overt swearing
- Five possible signs your congressman thinks your teenaged son is hot
- Five things you did while MySpace was down
- Five groups, apart from “women and children,” who should get to leave a sinking ship first
- Five persons who will eventually appear in every rock documentary
- Five excellent Iron Maiden songs (and what each is ostensibly about)
- Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates
- Five people who are much more enjoyable if you imagine them as pro wrestlers
- Five markings I think I’d enjoy having on my grave
- Five TV shows I’ll bet you don’t remember
- Five injustices you bravely suffer
- Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty
- Five possible meanings of that Kanji tattoo you can’t read
- Five terrible fake scripts from a notional fourth season of Gilligan’s Island
- Five amazing high-hat parts
- Five things, besides lying, that Shakira’s hips don’t do
- Five terrible fake Spears family parenting lapses
- Five songs I wish would become popular drunken singalongs at sporting events
- Five terrible fake David Blaine endurance stunts
- Five phrases I wish I had occasion to use more often
- Five things you probably don’t need to be carrying all the time
- Five things I wish I could get more into
- Five suggested Flickr tags
- Five periodicals I loved in the 90s
- Five amazing Beatles bridges
- Five ubiquitous anatomical embellishments from which I could use a break
- Five terrible fake Morrissey songs
- Five modifiers you might have intended when you just said “literally”
- Five places where the burnouts would hang out and smoke in junior high
- Five things that make me smile
- Five songs I sometimes listen to on repeat for 20 minutes
- Five composers I’m glad never had to hear their work performed primarily as ear-screeching ringtones
- Five things I currently have no intention of doing
- Five things that aren’t particularly helping my nascent dharma practice
- Five songs I’ve completely obsessed over
- Five terrible fake “Morning Zoo” teams
- Five candidates Madeline has repeatedly vetoed to be “our song”
- Five things I had to keep explaining to the guy at REI
- Five places I’ve had my hair cut
- Five good things to absorb while you’re still young
- Five reasons the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
- Five decidedly un-super supergroups
- Five things you can bring along to help make the party all about you
- Five people I’d love to observe trying to have dinner together
- Five more excellent public radio names
- Five works I adore by artists I otherwise don’t care for
- Five people I’m told I impersonate badly
- Five things it’s worth paying a little extra for
- Five notional movies that might not have gone over as well with fundamentalists
- Five ways to get on the del.icio.us home page
- Five terrible fake entrees from the dotcom era
- Five ways your histrionic anti-abortion friend might refer to a fetus
- Five people of whom I confess to being a bit weary
- Five things (besides a television) that you could constantly remind people you won’t use
- Five rules of thumb
- Five more things Pat Robertson needs you to pray on
- Five They Might Be Giants songs I often find myself singing
- Five thoughts on who “they” might be
- Five favorite guitar chords
- Five rules from the NPR drinking game
- Five bands I’m sorry I never got to see live
- Five terrible fake non-fiction bestsellers
- Five favorite new wave drummers
- Five terrible fake secrets about Seals & Crofts
- Five things I have read repeatedly in the bathroom
- Five beverages I haven’t drunk very often since college
- Five Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five user icons
- Five badass jewish men
- Five terrible fake Dickens characters
- Five things that killed your party
- Five excellent words
- Five revelations from Rene Descartes’ LiveJournal
- Five things TSA says it’s officially okay for you to carry-on
- Five terrible fake names for your new massage parlor
- Five things I’d ask every Supreme Court nominee if I sat on the Senate Judiciary Committee
Here’s All of the 5ives
Monthly Archives: January 2004
Five words I’d like to hear the Pope use in everyday conversation
- crunk
- nizzle
- Linux
- gi-normous
- craptacular
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Five “Sweeps Week” features coming up on your local late news
- Professor Buggery, Ph.D.: Can your child’s teachers pass our Pederasty Popquiz?
- That’s Not Chocolate! How would you know if there were poo-poo in your family’s candy dish?
- Rats, Cats, & Big, Curly Pubic Hairs: The filthy truth inside your favorite “Four Star” restaurants
- public_humiliation@yourcomputer.com: What career-ending secrets are lurking on your family’s hard drive? Is The Government cataloging them right now?
- “My Baby’s on Fire!”: Find out if your child is one of the hundreds at risk for Spontaneous Toddler Combustion
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Five terrible fake names for vibrators
- Mommy’s Atrocious Rash-Inducer
- Old Spinydrawers
- Rod Serling
- Short Circuit II
- Mr. Limpy
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Five favorite things on your blog
- The kitty photos (especially that fourth set)
- That one post where you were really drunk in Devan’s room
- The time you ate that amazing pot pie but then got totally sick
- Your series of charcoal drawings of Jonathan Frakes as a sword-wielding furry
- That post where you promised to update more often
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Five least favorite P.E. activities
- climbing the rope
- towel snapping
- chinups
- square-dancing week
- surreptitious penis comparisons
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Five 45s I loved (1970s)
- Queen – “We Will Rock You,” b/w “We are the Champions”
- Chic – “Le Freak”
- Wings – “Listen to What the Man Said”
- Bee Gees – “Too Much Heaven”
- Blondie – “Heart of Glass”
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Five things I’ve considered arbitrarily becoming very opinionated about
- Preference for a given Olsen sister
- Brand of water cracker
- System for opening the mail
- Favorite magazine about NASCAR
- Best way to order at the taqueria
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Five affectations I’ve been considering
- Wearing a monocle
- Developing and deploying a complex personal gang sign
- Angrily demanding that people call me “Colonel”
- Speaking exclusively in terrible cockney rhyming slang
- Constantly referring to “my novella”
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Five terrible fake names for Greg Kihn albums
- Kihntankerous
- Kihnjoined Twins
- Kihn-Tiki
- Under Kihnstruction
- Kihntucky Rain
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Five words I choose not to recognize as verbs
- Incentivize
- Deplane
- Impact
- Blog
- Party
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Five things you could win at the carnival (1983)
- Roach clip with feathers
- Coarsely grained, oddly hard, stuffed animal
- Lynyrd Skynyrd coke mirror
- Another throw
- Big-ass pink comb
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Five articles of clothing that once gave me joy
- Painters’ pants worn with ‘Mork’ rainbow suspenders and Dallas Cowboys 3/4-sleeve shirt (1979)
- Red Johnny Bench sneakers (1975)
- T-shirt airbrushed with the cover of “Wolverine #1″ comic book (1982)
- Hüsker Dü “Metal Circus” t-shirt (1987)
- Batman halloween costume (1972)
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Five great pieces of housecleaning music
- Metallica / Master of Puppets
- Sousa / Marches
- Beastie Boys / Paul’s Boutique
- Laibach / Life is Life
- Sonic Youth / Daydream Nation
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Five “Brady Bunch” Characters (and what sometimes make me fear I’m a little like each of them)
- Peter (throws an elaborate party and no one comes; he stands alone, stiffly, wearing a weird double-breasted suit)
- Greg (screws around reading hot rod magazines when he should be working; loses his Dad’s drawings)
- Mike (freaks when Natalie Schafer’s guest-starring character wants a factory shaped like a powder puff regardless of how practical it is to build)
- Cousin Oliver (jinxes the entire family after awkwardly turning up as a tired plot rejuvenator)
- Davy Jones (clearly not sure why he’s there or what he’s expected to be doing; smiles broadly and plays along anyway wearing inexplicable striped pants)
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Five of the best songs Michael Ferguson introduced me to
- Teenage Fanclub / Everything Flows (1990)
- Pylon / Crazy (1986)
- The Fall / Victoria (1988)
- Drivin’ and Cryin’ / Scarred But Smarter (1987)
- The Sugarcubes / Birthday (1988)
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Five possible reasons there’s a stretch limo parked outside
- Japanese businessmen are considering a leveraged buyout of the Sunset District
- Little Laotian man around the corner is secretly a rich, hostile pimp
- Someone’s about to receive a giant, novelty-sized check from Ed McMahon
- The 85-year-old man next door is about to get a Queer Eye makeover
- I’m actually Bon Jovi
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Five songs I liked to play on the jukebox at the Pizza Inn (1976-’78)
- David Soul – Don’t Give up on Us, Baby
- The Village People – Macho Man
- John Travolta – Let Her In
- Alan O’Day – Undercover Angel
- Meco – Star Wars/Cantina Theme
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Five terrible fake names for your new pleasure boat
- Papa’s Li’l Cry for Help
- Thar’s Gold in Them Thar Prostates
- Your Mom’s Not Coming Home IV
- Better’n a Hairweave, Matey
- The Boss’s Obsequious Little Bitch
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Five items banned in accordance with my junior high handbook
- Faddish, i.e. punk hair-styles
- Halter tops and/or bare midriff costumes
- Public Display of Affection (PDA)
- Shoving, skylarking, and other horseplay
- Articles of clothing advertising alcohol, drugs or tobacco
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Five tattoos it’s probably better that I don’t have (and where each would go)
- Thompson Twins’ Into the Gap album cover (entire back)
- Map of Bayonet Point, FL (face, shaved head)
- Cartoon Calvin peeing joyfully on the staff of Pitchfork (upper left arm)
- “TALK” & “ROCK” (knuckles of either hand)
- Hash mark for each time I’ve seen Cheap Trick (back of neck; currently 5)
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Five ill-advised giveaway nights at the ballpark
- Chinese Throwing Star Night
- Loaded .22 (with scope) Night
- Guess Your Cholesterol and Get a Free Footlong Night
- Leaky Bag of Urine Night
- Nickel Absinthe Night
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Five controversial performers coming to your local library
- Professor Candypants (mime & contortionist)
- MC Preclear ‘n’ the “Get Audizzited” Crew (evangelical rap crew)
- Principal Badtouch (tapdancer & close magician)
- Roofie McSleepytime (clown hypnotist)
- Whitevan Andy & the Roadtrip Kidz (unspecified travel initiative)
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Five ways I tend to feel after speaking with Sprint’s Customer Service
- Like I was just traded to another inmate for 2 packs of menthol cigarettes
- Like I’ve been slapped repeatedly with a half-frozen sturgeon
- Like I’ve accidentally just agreed to finish the homework of every kid in my middle school
- Like somewhere in a big Sprint building, there’s a fat man with a monocle and a top hat smoking a cigar while dancing a jig and holding a fat bag of five-dollar bills with my bewildered face on it
- Very, very unclean
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Five odd memories of TV
- Uncomfortable to see Fred McMurray and sons all playing Petula Clark’s “Downtown” on saxaphone (late in the run of My Three Sons)
- Genuinely saddened when it appeared Fonzie would have to spend Christmas alone in the garage (early episode of Happy Days)
- Pulling with all of my mental might for the buxom, wisecracking “Team ABC” (every Battle of the Network Stars)
- Utter years-long frustration at my lack of vocabulary to ask why some TV shows looked “inside” or “shiny” [shot on video] while others were “outside” or “flat” [shot on film] (various)
- Feeling an awkward but overwhelmingly powerful proto-sexual attraction to Emmy Jo (The New Zoo Revue, early 70s)
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Five observations from my first 25 minutes of yoga
- This Rodney Yee person is in much better physical condition than I am
- Yoga is not, apparently, a competition; thus, you are discouraged from yelling “In your face!” at your partner/opponent
- “Downward facing dog” makes me feel a little dirty
- Lacking a points system, Yoga offers no particular bonus for finishing quickly or making pithy remarks
- I remain suspicious of activities in which I cannot wear shoes or drink
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Five things I only needed to try once
- All-day reggae festival (1988)
- Chewing on a fistful of D batteries (1970)
- Being in a Neil Simon play (1984)
- Talking to Pete Rose (1976)
- Lead singer in a execrably bad metal cover band (1985)
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