Five favorite guitar chords

October 31st, 2005
  1. D/F#
  2. G/D
  3. E5
  4. Dsus4
  5. Fmaj7

Five rules from the NPR drinking game

October 13th, 2005
  1. Nina Totenberg reads a transcript (1 drink)
  2. oboe is heard (2 drinks)
  3. Malcolm Gladwell reference (1 drink)
  4. Scott Simon cracks himself up (1 drink)
  5. Daniel Schorr mentions Watergate (3 drinks)

Five bands I’m sorry I never got to see live

October 13th, 2005
  1. Hüsker Dü (ca. 1985)
  2. Joy Division (ca. 1979)
  3. The Comedian Harmonists (ca. 1933)
  4. The Benny Goodman Orchestra (ca. 1938)
  5. Talking Heads (ca. 1981)

Five terrible fake non-fiction bestsellers

October 11th, 2005
  1. Glimpse: Judge a Book by Just a Tiny Portion of Its Cover
  2. Two Wrongs = Five Rights: Freakonomics & the New Ethics of Contradiction
  3. Doy: Why “Dumb” Might Be Better After All
  4. “No, No! You’re Still Doing it Wrong!”: Why America Won’t Abandon Its Outmoded Logical Frameworks and Completely Embrace Non-Fiction Bestsellers
  5. “What’s the Matter with Pie?”: Fallacies of “Modern” “Nutrition”

Five favorite new wave drummers

October 11th, 2005
  1. Stewart Copeland (The Police)
  2. Terry Bozzio (Missing Persons)
  3. Cedric Sharpley (Gary Numan)
  4. Terry Williams (Rockpile)
  5. Clem Burke (Blondie)

Five terrible fake secrets about Seals & Crofts

October 10th, 2005
  1. Summer Breeze actually made them both a little edgy
  2. In industry circles, Seals was rumored to have been behind an abortive plot to whack Bread, America, and Poco
  3. One hazy night in 1978, Crofts reportedly ate a tray of lasagna all by himself
  4. Diamond Girl didn’t really shine so much as just occasionally glisten with perspiration
  5. For the last couple years there, Crofts was carrying Seals like a baby

Five things I have read repeatedly in the bathroom

October 10th, 2005
  1. Lucky Magazine subscription card
  2. ibuprophen bottle
  3. that one New York Times Magazine
  4. ingredients of Crest
  5. shampoo instructions

Five beverages I haven’t drunk very often since college

October 10th, 2005
  1. Magnum
  2. Brass Monkey
  3. Red, White, and Blue
  4. Fisher ale
  5. well-brand Scotch

Five Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering

October 4th, 2005
  1. Sexy Nurse
  2. Sexy Cop
  3. Sexy Alien
  4. Sexy Hitler
  5. Sexy Doris Roberts

Five user icons

September 23rd, 2005
  1. the single eye
  2. the star of cult TV show (with elliptical quote from same about life’s complexity)
  3. the peering over the glasses
  4. the “I’m looking balefully at something over here…”
  5. the big ole cleavage

Five badass jewish men

September 23rd, 2005
  1. Simon Wiesenthal
  2. Abraham
  3. Jon Stewart
  4. Sol Star
  5. Ira Kaplan

Five terrible fake Dickens characters

September 23rd, 2005
  1. Henrietta Troubleknickers
  2. Jackson Splotch
  3. Prof. Wiggenstodgy
  4. Pennyfarthing Mushroomwater
  5. Felch Cracksbottom

Five things that killed your party

September 19th, 2005
  1. six Rick Wakeman CDs does not qualify as a “party shuffle”
  2. half-hour monologue on the difference between <abbr> and <acronym>
  3. quarter-inch nacho cheese skin
  4. impromptu one-man performance of “The Knights Who Say ‘Ni!’”
  5. sole female guest left at 8:10

Five excellent words

September 19th, 2005
  1. monkey
  2. robot
  3. pants
  4. sandwich
  5. bulbous

Five revelations from Rene Descartes’ LiveJournal

September 19th, 2005
  1. He used to be into Emo, but now he thinks it’s “kind of gay”
  2. He’s thinking of getting a job next summer
  3. He totally blew the math quiz on Friday
  4. He’s frenched three times now (and one time got a little tit)
  5. He’s using a Bob Marley icon some dude made

Five things TSA says it’s officially okay for you to carry-on

September 19th, 2005
  1. Diabetes-Related Supplies/Equipment
  2. Eyelash Curlers
  3. Toy Transformer Robots
  4. Eyeglass Repair Tools
  5. Toy Weapons (if not realistic replicas)

Five terrible fake names for your new massage parlor

September 19th, 2005
  1. Jackin’ Jill’s
  2. Please Release Me
  3. 54U
  4. Handjobwerks
  5. Messy Manor

Five things I’d ask every Supreme Court nominee if I sat on the Senate Judiciary Committee

September 13th, 2005
  1. If you knew to an absolute moral certainty that you could capture and consume a live infant without being caught, how many do you suppose you could eat in a weekend?
  2. Have you ever been spanked erotically by someone who was not your current legal spouse? Just yes or no, please.
  3. Nominee, do you regard these slacks as accentuating my basket in an un-senatorial fashion?
  4. Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind about…your mother.
  5. Kindly rise, and sing the 1979 hit, The Piña Colada Song, also known as Escape.

Five things I’m really starting to miss

September 13th, 2005
  1. Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show
  2. two (and only two) kinds of Coke
  3. use of sentence case by college-educated adults
  4. Burger Chef Fun Meals
  5. Bill Clinton

Five terrible fake names for your new Irish pub

September 13th, 2005
  1. O’Connor O’Connor’s
  2. The Chunky Emerald Yawn
  3. Tipsy McShamrock’s
  4. Casey O’Familywrecker’s
  5. Punchin’ Pete’s Place